Am i losing him or is it just grief?

[Janegirl89]

My partner lost his mother about a month ago. He seems to have shut down completely and I am not sure what to do.
Initially I sent him a supportive ‘thinking of you’ or ‘here if you need anything today’ text every few days to which he replied to all of them. He was open in telling me how he felt about losing his mother. I went to see him and we just sat and talked about his mother. We have been together for a year and this is the first time anything big like this has happened. It is also the first time he really has been openly vulnerable in front of me. He mentioned how people kept messaging and he doesn't feel like talking so as I left him I said that I will text him but there is no pressure for him to reply to me.
Since then he has shut down even more. I know I told him its Ok not to reply (and I really did mean it) but I am finding it hard on my end. Sometimes I do ask myself is it annoying him that I contact him or does he appreciate it and need that from me? He hasn’t asked for space or to be left alone but I have just assumed that this is what he needs and time to be with his family so I have taken a back seat. I dont even know how often I should be trying to visit him right now or if I should back off completely. I know he is grieving and this isn’t so much about me and us right now but I cant help but worry if we will make it through this

How were things before this in regards to contact? Can you just ask him outright what he needs from you? He could feel bad about being vulnerable around you, hard to know. I think if you are close he will need you but he might be retreating for a bit to deal with him emotions?

Oh just read what you said about people messaging, maybe just stick with the thinking of you and let him be then.

It's early days I guess. I would arrange to see him in person though. Texting can cause misunderstandings. I don't think it's necessarily the end for you.

@HiyaCathyy

How were things before this in regards to contact? Can you just ask him outright what he needs from you? He could feel bad about being vulnerable around you, hard to know. I think if you are close he will need you but he might be retreating for a bit to deal with him emotions?

We usually would speak everyday. & I did think that about him being vulnerable he was defensive when I first saw him and tried to act like nothing was wrong so I felt like he was trying his best not to be vulnerable. I dont want to annoy him by messaging but also dont want him to feel like I’m not showing my love and support. If this were the other way around I would definitely want him to keep in contact but thats just me

@Janegirl89 grief effects different people in different ways.

I lost a grandparent earlier this year and I am still grieving. I was incredibly close to the grandparent I lost. On the other hand, I know people who have lost parents and returned to school or work the next week even though they were incredibly close to that parent they lost.

In my experience, the worst thing people can do is bother someone when they're grieving (not that I am saying you are bothering him). If he's not instigating conversation, I would leave him be. He could well have been in shock when you saw him and now he is processing it. You've reached out to him, that's probably enough.

You've posted that you're finding it hard - imagine how he must be feeling. Let him process his grief in his own way and give him space. This is about him, not you, and about what he needs. If he's not proactively reaching out to you let him find that support elsewhere.

Ultimately, you've only been together a year (and most of that I imagine was effected by covid-19) so you're probably not the person he need to see that support from.

Okay I would say maybe give him some space if he’s being defensive. Maybe he is overwhelmed. Just send one txt or call to say that you are there if you need him and thinking of him and then give him the space to grieve. But again it’s hard to know but at least you have said you are there for him. He sounds overwhelmed.

Yes echo poster above, don’t take any of it personally.

@theverygrumpysanta Im so sorry for your loss xxxx

and thank you for your comment. It is a very hard time for him, I know. I feel sometimes even though people don't reach out it doesn’t mean they don't want to receive the support. You are right everybody does grieve differently and even though he hasn’t asked me for space or told me to leave him alone I can tell that he probably needs it and thats why I’m trying my best to not make him feel like he has an obligation to have to be present and here with me right now
Just not sure how best to be there without being there too much if that makes sense

I was confused when I read your thread title saying your partner has lost his mother & then read you said you’ve been communicating mainly by texts. In my mind the terms ‘grieving partner’ and ‘sending texts’ don’t really tally. The term ‘partner’ indicates this is a close and committed LTR. It’s just my opinion but if I were in such a relationship & lost my mother I’d definitely not want texts from afar from my partner. I’d expect my partner to be staying with me for chunks of time looking after me, as well as giving me a bit of space sometimes to grieve quietly, maybe batch-cooking for the freezer for when I didn’t feel up to cooking, helping me with the practicalities of funeral planning and sorting the will, being a physical presence in the house even just quietly in the background, taking some of the strain of everyday life off my shoulders (doing me a Tesco food delivery maybe / taking the hoover over whilst I had a bath, seeing the little jobs that don’t get done when you’re intensely grieving).

I’ve been in this situation last year when I suddenly lost someone v close to me. My boyfriend of just a few months really stepped-up to look after me, whilst also giving me space when needed. He didn’t rely on texts etc as I’d have found that wearisome to have to respond to. He just made sure he was there with his presence and his practical support.

@MuckyPlucky thanks for your comment.
He has been staying with his Dad a lot to support and look after him since his Mum passed. So I guess my instinct was to let them all have their time together and give him some space.
But I guess you are right in the fact that someones presence is way more supportive than just messaging
Just didnt want him to feel a level of pressure that he has to spend time with me when he has all of this to process

I had a friend who was looking after her DM who had a short time to live. She was upset and stressed too.
I told her that I would send her messages every week and that she doesn't need to reply or anything but just so she knew I was thinking of her and was there if she needed me.
Every so often she would reply and we would have a small chat and then she would go off radar for a month or so.
I would still send the same simple weekly message, and I wasnt upset if she didnt reply.
After it was all over and some time later she said she really appreciated the messages.
I am not saying this is what you should do ( there are many ppl who would prefer to be left alone) but sometimes all you can do is what you think is best. It is obvious that your actions are purely motivated by his well being and not yours. Your concern about how your actions may affect him is touching and I hope he realises this if not now when he can properly think.

I'd be inclined to ask him what he needs from you. Tell him something along the lines of what you have said here. That way he will know that you are there for him, but no pressure for him to be in touch more than he wants to.

This is difficult. I think you need to take your lead from him on this. I wouldn’t be too pushy. He knows you are there and thinking about him. That might be enough for now. People grieve in very different ways. My best friend lost her DH last month. She’s finding keeping in regular touch with everyone is helping her, but if she wanted to be distant I’d respect that. It wouldn’t stop me contacting her regularly just to let her know I was thinking of her.
I feel for you, I know you want to help. It’s a completely useless feeling. I know that x

OP Is he an only child?

L I agree with people’s comments above re: being there for him at a distance / occasional supportive texts etc if it was a friend.

I had a sudden tragic traumatic loss last year. It really helped that I knew my friends were there at a respectful distance, sending the odd kind text / card / other end of phone when I needed. It helped to know none of them expected/demanded anything from me in terms of replying or time etc.

However.... in my personal experience there was a huge difference between what I needed from my friends (see above) and what I needed from my partner. ‘Partner’ is someone who props you up, takes care of you, cooks your dinner when you’ve been at the probate solicitors all day, runs you a bath when you’ve hardly remembered to shower for days, does things behind the scenes for you to make life easier, allows you to sob on their new shirt in bed as they hold you. They’re there instinctively. And they don’t take it personally if the grieving person has nothing to give them.

I suspect OP that you’re feeling a bit awkward and unsure about how to ‘be’ around him and are wanting him to tell you/lead on what he needs from you. From my own experience this is not what he needs right now. He needs you to intuitively/instinctively/discretely step-up, step-in and make him feel quietly held by you. Leaving it to him to be in control of contact/pace is what one would do with a friend, but not what a partner would do, as much as your heart is in the right place.

@MuckyPlucky I think you are right with the feeling awkward part. I think I’m so worried about getting it right and not imposing on the family that subconsciously I think I am just waiting for him to tell me what to do but in a situation like this he more than likely isn’t going to tell me what to do, most of the time he probably doesn’t even know himself what he needs. He is so busy looking after everybody that you are right, he needs somebody to look after him too and really that should be me

@changedmynameforChristmas

OP Is he an only child?

No he has a Sister