My Dad Killed Himself / I Can’t Shake This Grief

[Rosemary26]

Last year around my birthday, I woke up to messages from two relatives telling me that my dad had committed suicide. Life has been a blur ever since.

I met my father for the first time when I was 20. He hadn’t known that I was his daughter, because my mother was quite toxic and had lied to him and told him I wasn’t his. After meeting, we spent five years getting to know each other. There was real love there. His mental health started to steadily decline after those five years. He fell back into alcoholism. Eventually he started to scare me, threatening me with a loaded gun twice and mumbling about how helicopters were following him and his phone and house were bugged. I tried to get him help and he would refuse each time, growing suspicious of me and suggesting that I was a spy. One day he called 911 on himself and was committed to a mental institution. I was told that it would be a good idea for me to distance myself from him for my own safety and allow him to improve himself. And I did that.

It wasn’t until I spoke to the people at the coroner’s office that I was told they’d found prescriptions for bipolar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia beside him in his bedroom. Old prescriptions that he didn’t appear to be taking any longer.

I was told that his body hadn’t been found for weeks. He had no one to come and check on him. Someone from the apartment complex he was living at entered the apartment when he hadn’t paid rent and found him. They said he was barely recognizable.

I was in the U.K. at the time and couldn’t afford to go and see him or sort out his belongings at his apartment.

The guilt, the shame, the pain I feel—it haunts me every day. The thought of strangers finding his body, not knowing who he was. I wanted to be able to go and hold his hand. I know he was already dead, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was still there, feeling alone. No one, not even the relatives who contacted me, cared enough to go and see him. I feel like a failure for not being able to do it myself. They had to identify him using fingerprints.

I miss him. He didn’t leave a note or anything, but I can’t help wondering if him doing this around my birthday is its own sort of message.

Now, even in my marriage that has grown toxic, I am so horrified about the thought of losing anyone else. Of feeling more like a failure to protect what I love. Even when my husband and MIL are bad for me.

I’m sorry this is a long read. I just feel like I need some support, to clear my thoughts and make sense of things.

Have you considered that you might be suffering from ptsd? My brother also killed himself so I completely understand where you are coming from. I've had all the thoughts you've had above and then some. Including flashbacks. I can't even watch hangings on tv and there as so many in films and shows. It's such a traumatic thing to go through and not a lot of people understand. You're left with lots of unanswered questions, grief, questions of yourself. Could you do more? Have done more. All the questions are there but unfortunately not all the answers. I was 18 when my brother died. I also believe he suffered from bipolar as my sister has it.

I'm now 34. I spent years in a haze of grief and safety behaviour. I became so frightened of death, I didn't travel on a plane for ten years. I massively restricted myself. Grief does strange things to us.

No one can tell you that what you are feeling isn't right or normal. It's different for everyone. Suicide is almost a taboo death to some people. They dare not talk about it because a lot don't know what to say.

Firstly I would recommend looking up the stages of grief. There are a few models of this. It should help you make some sense of what you are feeling.

Secondly counselling really really helped. When my brother died, we knew next to nothing. Didn't really receive help. I finally got counselling based on acceptance and commitment therapy on the nhs. It was here that my counsellor recognised I had ptsd (she was a past mental health nurse as well) and she put me forward for emdr if you google it. It's treatment for ptsd.

And lastly, please be kind to yourself. You've been through a huge shock that you will most likely carry for years. I have and I don't think it will ever leave me. But the good news is that it doesn't hurt as much as it once did. I've come to terms with how he died now.

If you want to pm me, feel free. If I can help in anyway shape or form, then I would be glad to.

And it's odd but some of your post has similarities to my brother. The trying to get him help, him cancelling gp appointments. Some horse riders found him. And the police had to come tell us... all of that was very traumatic. It sounds like it was for you too.

I'm sorry for your loss. Have you looked at any support that is out there for people bereaved by suicide? SOBS for example?

Indeed be kind to yourself

You may also find this page useful to read re getting further help and support:-

www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/traumatic-bereavement/coping-when-someone-dies-suicide

I strongly agree with Attila and I would suggest that you get yourself both therapy for the trauma and specialist bereavement counselling to help with your loss. Cruse are excellent, can't recommend them highly enough.

You have had a truly awful time and you deserve all the help you can get to recover.

Op I just want to say how truly sorry I am for your loss.

I am so truly sorry for your loss that sounds horrible. Please go and see someone it sounds like it could be PTSD. Grief is normal and it comes in many many ways. It’s completely normal to feel guilty and have the pain of losing someone. I lost my nana 5 years ago and I still feel guilty for not seeing her in the weeks before. It’s time to talk to someone sweetheart. Don’t bottle it up as it will get worse.