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Original poster

Have you given your OH another chance and they've been so bitter since?

27 replies

somanynamechangestoremember · 11/12/2020 10:04

Ok so I'm it's only been a few days but he's doing my head in
Dh got brought home by the police for being drunk on Friday night. He hadn't been abusive hence why they hadn't arrested him . I think they took pity on him. Part of me wishes they had arrested him.

It's the last but worst of a long list of drink related incidents (this is a 35yo man with kids and a very responsible job)
I kicked him out and he was oh so sorry and said he would do anything to come home . He rang alcohol support and had a few phone chats and a zoom meeting. He has gone t total and says he will stay that way . He's never been someone who can't go a day without a drink but he will use any opportunity to get absolutely sozzled
I told him on Tuesday he has one more chance to not do this kind of thing again and I mean it
Since he came back he's been like a scolded child. Snapping at me all the time . Saying he feels like a child on the naughty step. Saying all weekends and Xmas are ruined now he can't have a drink . Asks me to tell him how to fill his time now that he's not drinking . Asking if he'll me made to feel guilty forever . Everything's shit so on and so on (for the record I never said he couldn't have a drink I said I don't want anymore ridiculous incidents like that . It was his choice to stop all together)
I took our house off the market as I think it's sensible we don't commit ourselves to a bigger mortgage etc at the moment . He's very very hurt about this . Says I'm just looking out for myself and planning on fcking him over . He's so angry . Says he wants £50k if we split even though there is only £30k equity in the house . Constantly bringing up anything I've ever done wrong in the past
Regretting letting him back now tbh.

OP posts:
ArrowsOfMistletoe · 11/12/2020 10:16

Well, he's showing his true colours, isn't he? He got caught, there are consequences but he's blaming you! You need to tell him firmly that everything he is experiencing is a consequence of his choices and his behaviour, that he needs to accept responsibility and make changes, and that he needs to stop lashing out at you.

If he takes that badly, you know what your next step should be.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 11/12/2020 10:17

I think he wants to split up so that he can drink whenever he wants to, but he wants you to be responsible for the split so that he doesn't get any of the blame for a failed marriage.

I'm not sure what you can do to make things any better, sorry. I guess you can push back a bit on making him responsible for his own emotions, but that's not going to fix what's wrong. So you could say things like "You don't seem at all happy with your life, what do you want to do about it", "You really don't like me, what do you think you should do about that". Most likely though he won't self-reflect at all, he'll just continue to blame you. I guess you can refuse to enter into pointless discussions, like how much he gets if you split, eg "the time to decide how we split assets is after you decide whether you want a divorce".

upsidedownwavylegs · 11/12/2020 10:19

I’d be reversing that forgiveness. What a loser.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2020 10:19

Stop wasting your time with this loser

His only "relationship" is with alcohol. Leave him to it before he brings you down too.

SarahBellam · 11/12/2020 10:19

I’d bin him. You’re not his mum and he’s not 8 years old. He’s a grown man who is responsible for his own choices. All you’ve done is make it clear where you stand on the issue of his drinking (and being brought home by the police after a night out is absolutely NOT normal). He hasn’t committed to not drinking - he’s blaming you for him not drinking, not seeing it as something he wants to do for himself and his family. He can moan as much as he wants about getting £50k but that’s not the way the courts work so he can suck it up. You’re doing the right thing by putting the house move on hold.

TeeBee · 11/12/2020 10:21

Well, you can reverse your decision...you're not tied to it. Then he can drink all he wants.

Original poster
somanynamechangestoremember · 11/12/2020 10:22

@ArrowsOfMistletoe I've said these things word for word but it's makes him more angry

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar yes you are probably right . It's always somehow my fault no matter what he does . He's only ever sorry for a short time before I'm the bad guy again .

Thing is he right about me just looking after myself (and our dc!) but I've heard all his promises before and I'm not about to put myself in a worse position should we split.

OP posts:
Woohoowoowoo · 11/12/2020 10:22

Its time to end it OP.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 11/12/2020 10:24

My exh had issues with alcohol.. Think pissing in the wardrobe most Sunday nights..missing work most Mondays..
Arrested for drink driving (reported by me).. He was also as you describe. The only difference being I had filed for divorce the week he was arrested.. Just didn't tell him for 2 weeks while I got my ducks in a row... He moved back to his dps when he got the letter from my solicitor..

TeeBee · 11/12/2020 10:26

You're doing exactly the right thing by looking after yourself and your children. That's the smartest move under the circumstances.

TeeBee · 11/12/2020 10:28

While you're there to blame, scapegoat and take responsibility for the decisions, he won't accept that he is totally responsible for the situation. Nor will he be inclined to do anything about it. Time for him to move out.

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2020 10:29

The only option here is to end the relationship

Original poster
somanynamechangestoremember · 11/12/2020 10:30

I'm trying to think how I would be acting if was this was reversed and if I did feel I'd fucked up then I'd be on my best behaviour. Trying to make up for it. Probably buy him gifts and grovel basically
However if I thought i hadn't done anything wrong and he was being unreasonable then I'd be acting like he is
So that tells me everything really doesn't it .
Feel like a total fool letting him back in again

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 11/12/2020 10:33

You have DC but he says weekends and Christmas are ruined because he can't drink? Shows you where his priorities lie.

unmarkedbythat · 11/12/2020 10:37

He is an addict, OP. He will not prioritise you and the dc unless and until he deals with the real love of his life, alcohol. If I was a betting woman I would put my Christmas savings on him being drunk again before the end of next week.

HallFloor · 11/12/2020 10:38

I think his behaviour is "understandable" in that he desperately wants a drink and you're preventing him. Whether that's acceptable to you is up to you.

Original poster
somanynamechangestoremember · 11/12/2020 10:43

I feel so angry with myself for letting him back now
Feel like I missed my chance to end it with him being the one in the wrong as if I do it now it will be me in the wrong . He's blatantly not sorry at all . He wasn't even sorry after what happened on Friday . Was still trying to blame me one way or another and the apologies only came when he started to panic I wouldn't let him back in.
I am such a muppet

OP posts:
ArrowsOfMistletoe · 11/12/2020 10:44

So he's an alcoholic who takes no responsibility. I had one of those, kept him for far too long and even after I started divorce proceedings, he didn't change. Alcohol killed him 8 months after I made him leave (with police involvement, things got bad).

Believe me, your life and your DC's lives will be much better without him. He accuses you of only looking after yourself and DC? That's exactly what you should be doing.

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 11/12/2020 10:45

You haven't missed your chance to end it. You can end it any time, based on his alcohol issues and unreasonable behaviour. It doesn't matter if he thinks it's 'your fault'.

MadeForThis · 11/12/2020 10:47

Don't worry about who is perceived to be in the wrong. He will always minimise and outright lie so that his drinking is not seen as the problem.

He's not sorry. He doesn't want to change. He's actually nasty.

You deserve much better.

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 11/12/2020 10:48

He is an abusive alcoholic and he will never change, you will now become his sole focus of resentment because you have come in between him and the drink. Can you honestly say you are happy to live like this?

TeeBee · 11/12/2020 10:49

Of course you haven't missed your chance, stop making excuses to yourself because its more difficult to do it now. You know the truth about where the fault lies. Everyone else will start to realise exactly what's been going on. You should have no guilt here; you are taking care of your children.

Ballstothis148 · 11/12/2020 10:52

Hate to be depressing but... grew up with one parent who started having a cheeky drink... then dependent, then full alcoholic. My heart honestly started to break on the first step, because it started to be a secret and knew other parent didn’t like it, just deception and upset from the beginning. Very honestly I would’ve benefitted from not having that in the family house. Would suggest he leaves and can come back if he’s given up drinking full stop

unmarkedbythat · 11/12/2020 11:03

Feel like I missed my chance to end it with him being the one in the wrong as if I do it now it will be me in the wrong

In the nicest possible way, this does not matter.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2020 11:05

You are doing your kids no favours at all by engaging with his crap

He "has nothing to do" because you won't let him drink ? How about trying to repair the damage to his family ?

He is stupid as well as an alcoholic. Bin him, it's never too late. Christmas will be better without this black cloud hanging over you and the kids.

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