I just need a little support after FHDRA yesterday.

[Fightingback16]

So it was yesterday. It went the way I wanted it to, in the way it went the way which safeguarded our daughter. CAFCASS took all the allegations seriously and so did the magistrate who ordered no interim contact other then a gift posted for Christmas as it’s been a year since they had contact. Now we have a fact finding hearing and him drugs tests. My ex admitted finally that some arguments became heated but he had excuses which didn’t cut it as he was too dismissive. He admitted tho to shaving his body head to toe so how they will do an hair strand test and what the point is as now he won’t drink or take drugs and the hair will grow and show him clear. But it annoyed the magistrate and he ordered him to pay the costs of it.

I don’t know why, perhaps it’s normal but I’m not happy, I feel terrible and guilty. I’m only trying to make sure our daughter is safe but it’s heavy emotions to carry keeping a child from there father, even though there are too many issues. Luckily the CAFCASS officer and the magistrate said that I was only looking out for our daughter which is nice to have my choices affirmed but this is hard.

I don't have any experience but I didn't want to leave you unanswered. It's as plain as day that you have been very thoughtful and caring throughout and that you have made the right decision in the interests of your child. You exP has been given the chance to redeem himself in an organised and legal way. That's more than he could hope for.
You sound be very proud of yourself for getting out and letting the system work in favour of your child. Well done.

Protecting your child is nothing to feel guilty for.

His barrister spoke very emotionally about the impact on the father and it made me feel terrible but at the end of the day the magistrate was focused on my daughter. It still gets to me.

Let yourself feel everything but know at the core of it all that you are being a kind, responsible, caring and loving mother. The fact that he shaved off all his hair tells you (and the magistrate) everything.
Be really, properly kind to yourself. You're being very brave.

The thing is, it's never about the impact on the father. It's about what's best for the child. You should feel proud you are safeguarding your child.

The impact on the father is the impact of his decisions and actions. You have both made choices in your behaviours and parenting that have brought you to this point. The reason that you have your daughter with you and the magistrate on your side is because you made good choices and he didn't.

The active word here is choice. You are only responsible for yours, and from what I've read here you've made the right ones every time. He is hurting because he's hurt himself. You didn't do this to him, he did this to himself.

The fact that he shaved his body head to toe, shows clearly that he is attempting to manipulate the system, to get an outcome he wants but does not merit.
Thankfully, the Judge saw through that bit of gameplay.
His barrister is being paid good money to tug at heart strings, yours and the Judge's. You know many barristers go to voice/drama coaches to learn how to sway an audience.

Do not feel guilty for protecting your daughter. You are doing the right thing!

It is and should be about the welfare of the child. The father has responsibilities which he has failed to meet, this is not your fault. Be kind to yourself. Court is very stressful so it will take a while to unwind. It sounds like the magistrate and CAFCASS are taking your concerns seriously, which is a good thing. It is a horrible position to be in, but you clearly do not have much choice and you did not cause this, you are responding correctly, and you would be negligent if you did not .

Thank you I appreciate it a lot. That makes a lot of sense about his actions creating this, which he has. I had no choice and needed the support of the system to help me. I thought leaving would solve all our problems because I was told I was the problem, I made him angry etc etc but it just continued. I’ve heard bad things about trying system but so far cafcass ok.

I understand your sadness. You have empathy for him which does not negate your knowledge that he is not a suitable person to be around his own child. It is sad..sad that a grown man isn't able to exercise control over himself so that he has a relationship with his daughter. You just have to balance this with the words his barrister spoke. Ultimately he has a choice (or perhaps he is too far down the path of addiction for it to be a viable choice).

It is sad that your daughter won't have her father in her life because he can't be trusted.

Have in your mind, he has a choice, this could be his rock bottom and the wake up to change his life. If he doesn't take the opportunity and chooses to try and hoodwink a court then he has made his decision. He has chosen drugs over his child, no matter how eloquent his barrister spoke.

His problem is he has an addiction to weed because he is so angry and it calms him down. So his choice is either weed or admits he has a problem with his temper and his mental health and does something about it, something very serious or else I can’t back down.

It’s very sad because he doesn’t seem to or just won’t admit what he has done. Only I know what he has done to me and potentially the same to our daughter. The way his barrister spoke on his behalf he doesn’t see the damage his anger and emotional abuse did to me. Two years down the line I’m really beginning to see how I changed. If he can’t see what his actions are capable of then he will continue with our daughter.