How to handle a friend's unpleasant dh?

[phdlife]

Friends of ours who live o/s recently announced they were coming to visit. She has chance to work for a few weeks so has persuaded her dh to bring ds (7), who we don't really know. Now it turns out her dh/ds will be staying near us for nearly 3 weeks, while my friend may or may not be working elsewhere - she wasn't clear.

The thing is, her dh was always an argumentative control-freak (my dh calls him an android - looks human but isn't actually) and my friend recently told me some appalling stories about him - he has turned into a real bully. She is not happy in her marriage - another friend of ours has already offered to help her leave but she won't - that's her business.

But I am trying to figure out how I can get across to them that, while I want to still be supportive of my friend, I cannot be responsible for entertaining them the whole time they're here, or even a lot of it. The thought makes me exhausted. DS (6m) naps a lot, and although I'm gregarious I also need a LOT of down-time to cope even with people I like; dh (whose friends they originally were) will be working f/t and studying in the evenings. We can come up with a list of things for them to do locally, but frankly I don't want to hang around with the husband at all - if it wasn't for her, I'd have given up having anything to do with him years ago. However since she is committed to staying in the marriage she does not take others' criticism of her dh at all well.

I'm also concerned because one of the stories she told me was about her dh bullying his son in a way I found absolutely horrifying. Am I supposed to sit back and watch if something similar happens while they're here?

Any advice?

Don't comment about him to your friend.
Arrange some evening dates for the whole family to come over for a meal.
Don't even hint at meeting the husband separately.
There is no reason why you should spend time with someone you dislike without your friend being there.

its difficult. if she has been open with you about his bullying you could alwys speak with her about it again and explain that whilst you would be more than happy to accompany them on some local outings you do not feel comfortable spending a lot of time with her DH given what she has told you.

be honest and open.

At the end of the day she has told you about him so she must know what other's feel about him if she has been advised to leave.

If she gets huffy about it then thats up to her, you could of course make it up via emails or phone calls once she has gone home.

The area you live has tons of stuff for a father to keep his 7 yr old son entertained for 3 weeks. Force him to go out without you by getting in a huuuuuuge pile of fliers on all the places they can go. Gives him a clear message from the start - that you expect him to entertain himself - and gets you out of checking up on him. Humphrey's idea is good - only entertain them as a family when your DH is about.

Very very tough position about the bullying though. If she knows that her son is being bullied then it is her responsibility and duty to save him, tbh. I expect that she will do that when she feels she can. Forcing her won't help.

What would happen if someone stood up to him? Someone other than his wife and son? Not suggesting that you take on a battle but it may surprise him to realise that he is actually behaving unacceptably.

hmm yeah, we've already planned to get loads of flyers in and point them at all the cool stuff they can do - the idea of the evening meal is one we could probably make work.

it is hard to be "open and honest" with her as she has a tendency of sharing all her emails with her dh. she only told me about him when she was visiting (alone) recently, otherwise we are not really in contact.

I don't know about standing up to him Princess. I imagine I would, but in reality I am a wuss. Besides, what on earth would you say, if by staying she is signalling to him that she will put up with it?

it's a tough one

to get involved or not

Having thought about this a bit more, my instinct is that if she has confided in you when alone then that must be an important first step for her. Maybe she wants the chance to talk to someone about it, and maybe that has to be the way you can help her and her son. If she does start talking it through more with you then maybe suggest she sets up an email address that her DH doesn't have access to so that you can carry on talking with her after she leaves. Gradually she'll build up the courage to do something about it. She seems to already know it is wrong.

Would your dh be in a position to say a quiet something to this guy? How close are they?

It's tough. If someone is an arse then ignoring them is very satisfying. But here you're talking about a child being bullied. I don't envy you.