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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Best friend confusion

14 replies

WynterRose · 10/12/2020 19:46

Me and my best friend are quite different in personally, she is very extroverted, where as i'm abit of both but probably more introverted. I'm quite happy to have a night in alone where as she always feels she needs company or to be doing something, almost like she can't sit still.

Overall, she was always a great friend, we've been close for 10 years. We are 30 and 31 years old. Shes been there for me when I went through major heartbreak and i've always been there for her in the same way. But what I do notice about her, and that hasn't mostly involved me until the last few years... is that she will have a 'flavour of the month' friends or her 'favourites' she will be contacting and seeing, and then moving on to somebody else, then maybe back to the next person etc. But usually I was a 'constant' friend, who she would always be in touch with, either her calling me to say hello mainly or us messaging.

Now over the past few years, there has been times she has gone awol for no reason. I've called her out on it a couple of times, and shes always ended up feeling bad and saying she does care and does value me. The last time before now was around the first lockdown. We had a discussion because I wasn't happy about the lack of response when I messaged and how she just stopped making effort. And after that, things were great again, we were in contact again.

This past few weeks, for no reason atall, she has gone awol again. I messaged her the other day asking her how she was and she said she'd call me the following day and that all was well and she hoped I was ok. Well she didn't call me. And I felt abit upset about it, because we hadn't spoken for a week (unusual for us). I called her out on it a few days later and she responded saying she was sorry, had been busy and she would try and call another time. During this whole time, the last few weeks however, she is quite frequently on facebook.

So basically i'm not in her favourites category at the moment, although she claims I am her best friend. And i'm fed up. I don't have many friends or a partner, so when a friend is distant, it does cause me anxiety and upsets me.

Also, I do try to understand, but she is on and off with her boyfriend, and they have a very volatile relationship. They also spend days drinking together and the like, sometimes all night. But that hasn't stopped her being in touch in the past mostly or being very active on Social Media.

I just don't know what to do at this point, sometimes I distant myself, but I realise that helps nothing and I end up messaging her at some point. I don't want to loose her friendship, I just want her to stop disappointing me.

OP posts:
KinseyWinsey · 10/12/2020 20:15

She won't stop disappointing you.

This is who she is.

So either accept it or just disappear from her view yourself. No drama. Just don't be available.

She's shown you who she is and now it's up to you how you deal with it.

WynterRose · 11/12/2020 17:53

She's my best friend and has been for a number of years, I really miss her but I am going to distance and not chase her up I think.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/12/2020 17:59

You need to build up the rest of your social circle.

You know what she's like, it just hadn't happened to you before, you thought you were special to her. Happens to the best of us Smile. You need to disengage a bit emotionally so you're not so focused on her.

Hellotheresweet · 11/12/2020 18:01

* She's my best friend and has been for a number of years*

It would you’re not hers unfortunately, hence the different approaches to the friendship.

Littleraindrop15 · 11/12/2020 18:12

I think that's a bit unfair on your friend. she didn't call you for a week and has been patchy with contact I find it difficult to constantly stay on top of being in touch with my friends or family doesn't necessarily mean I don't care or love them. she may be extroverted but maybe not feel like talking if you called her or texted saying something like urgent call me ASAP ..would she contact you or not? sometimes I know I am not in the head space to talk and still scroll on fb etc and i sometimes go months not speaking to my best friend but they know am there if they need me and vice versa..hope this helps x

katy1213 · 11/12/2020 18:16

You're being too needy. It sounds like she contacts you frequently, but she has other friends, too - and you're expecting her to be everything to you. You need to widen your circle. Even 'best' friends have other things in their lives.

OhCaptain · 11/12/2020 18:19

In her defense I don't think she's done anything wrong.

She's allowed to be busy and spend time with other friends and her partner. It's not her fault that you don't have other people in your life.

I know during our first lockdown (not in the UK) when everyone else was scrambling to have zoom calls etc I just wasn't feeling it. I found myself wanting alone time a lot more.

You sound a bit needy and that can be exhausting tbh.

I don't think she's done anything to warrant being cut off but if I was you I'd focus more on finding a larger social circle so you're not so reliant on her.

WynterRose · 11/12/2020 18:21

@Hellotheresweet

* She's my best friend and has been for a number of years*

It would you’re not hers unfortunately, hence the different approaches to the friendship.

Yes, I would agree with this. But whenever she needs somebody she can trust or feels like it, she will always come to me and has always said i'm her best friend.

When she broke up with her partner briefly, she called me at 3am when I was fast asleep, I woke up and took the call. I know during these times she appreciates me because she tells me.

It just when she goes quiet and makes no effort, I feel so unimportant and the contrast is confusing.

OP posts:
WynterRose · 11/12/2020 18:23

@OhCaptain

In her defense I don't think she's done anything wrong.

She's allowed to be busy and spend time with other friends and her partner. It's not her fault that you don't have other people in your life.

I know during our first lockdown (not in the UK) when everyone else was scrambling to have zoom calls etc I just wasn't feeling it. I found myself wanting alone time a lot more.

You sound a bit needy and that can be exhausting tbh.

I don't think she's done anything to warrant being cut off but if I was you I'd focus more on finding a larger social circle so you're not so reliant on her.

Probably right. I still live at home (yes at my age) as I lost my job due to covid and have had to take an entry level job. Have just a handful of friends and am single and have been for a while. My family is tiny aswell, so I don't deny I notice or feel when a friend is being more absent from my life.

It just makes me feel unappreciated and unvalued though.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 11/12/2020 18:29

You've had a rough time of it. But I don't think you'd feel undervalued or unappreciated if you weren't noticing as much IYSWIM.

If your job was crazy busy, and you had a partner, or kids, or lots of friends to try to keep up with, you might not even notice.

I'm sorry you've had a shit time but focus on the things you can change. You can't change her behaviour. You can maybe change your loneliness/boredom.

You can keep the job you have but start looking for something similar to your old one etc.

Concentrate your efforts elsewhere and that way you won't be as reliant on one person for your happiness. Flowers

Cam2020 · 11/12/2020 18:45

I know what you mean, OP. Do you have very different interests? I've grown out of clubbing, which my best friend is still very much into and she now spends a lot of time with other friends who still enjoy that. I used to feel a bit put out that I could never get a date in with her for dinner and drinks, or it would be months away because she was permanently booked up, but we are genuinely best friends and are always there for each other when and where it counts. People, and circumstances change. I'm quite happy spending time at home or having quieter nights out - thst's not my fault, but it's not my freinds fault that's not what she, wants from her life. It hurts sometines, but that's life. A genuinely good friend will always be a good friend.

Aprilx · 11/12/2020 18:55

I think you need to place less reliance upon her and whilst I don’t think she is doing anything wrong, I think you need to lower your high expectations. You mention “calling her out” twice in your first post, that sounds like you could be a bit exhausting.

WynterRose · 11/12/2020 19:43

@Cam2020

I know what you mean, OP. Do you have very different interests? I've grown out of clubbing, which my best friend is still very much into and she now spends a lot of time with other friends who still enjoy that. I used to feel a bit put out that I could never get a date in with her for dinner and drinks, or it would be months away because she was permanently booked up, but we are genuinely best friends and are always there for each other when and where it counts. People, and circumstances change. I'm quite happy spending time at home or having quieter nights out - thst's not my fault, but it's not my freinds fault that's not what she, wants from her life. It hurts sometines, but that's life. A genuinely good friend will always be a good friend.
I guess we do, kind of. We can enjoy a day out together, shopping, lunch, drinks or whatever, but i'm quite happy to call it a day by 9pm and go home, but there's alot of time she will drop me home at that time and go back out to another friends or something and stay up into the night.

I think for me, i'm bothered because it can be months of back of forth texting, her calling me allll the time and then suddenly, I hear NOTHING from her for weeks! Thats when I get upset and feel bothered. So hearing nothing when we've been constantly in touch, feels unusual.

OP posts:
Katie775 · 12/12/2020 22:19

I had a friendship similar to this, and it got very toxic and a real headf**k. She would make me feel incredibly special and valued, but I didn’t realise at the time that she was also making other people feel incredibly special. It was like a kind of glittery charm that she had, that most people just don’t have. In the end I had to cut contact with her. We had a lot of fun and I miss her a lot, but I could never quite shake the feeling that it could only ever be a friendship on her terms. She blew hot and cold, and really messed with my head. I became quite reliant on her (not like me at all) but looking back I can see how it was easy for that to happen. She made like her absolute no.1 BFF at times. I’m quite level headed but it became a really unhappy time in my life.

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