Page 2 | Moving out without my boyfriend

Eckhart · 10/12/2020 18:15

If you know he thinks the relationship has long term prospects, and you know that it doesn't, you are duping him. The person he has chosen to be in a long term relationship with is emotionally duping him.

Do you want to be that person?

Dontbeme · 10/12/2020 18:17

@BluebellsGreenbells

What do people think the OP is using the boyfriend for?

Because she doesn’t think this is a long term relationship and it’s unfair to him?

What has he offered "long term" though? Has he proposed marriage, joined finances, talked about having kids? All we know from the OP is that she is unsure about the future of the relationship at this point and would prefer to buy a house solo. They haven't stated how long this relationship is, they don't live together so that implies not a long term relationship, maybe this boyfriend sees an opportunity to get on the property ladder that he may not be capable of without the OP financially. I just think we don't know enough to jump to the OP is a user that is stringing a guy along.

BluebellsGreenbells · 10/12/2020 18:21

I have a boyfriend, but I don't see us having a future together

I think that’s quite clear actually

Woohoowoowoo · 10/12/2020 18:22

I don't see anything wrong with what the OP has said. Surely it's sensible.

At 22 I wasn't sure I was going to be with my boyfriend forever. We'd just started dating and were just about going out and having lots of fun together, nothing serious. I'm now 40 and have been married to the same boyfriend for a decade. I'm glad we didn't rush our relationship.

Respectabitch · 10/12/2020 18:24

If you want to break up with him, just break up with him. It seems like you know this isn't for keeps, so don't spin it out.

NerrSnerr · 10/12/2020 18:31

but I don't see us having a future together. I want to buy my own place, but not with him. I can see us being together for a little while longer, but I don't want to settle down with him and be tied into buying a house together.

I think the OP is clear that she isn't going to be him long term. She's not saying she doesn't know what the future holds she can only see being with him a little while.

madcatladyforever · 10/12/2020 18:37

You just go ahead and do it. You have to learn that to have a successful life you don't need a man's permission and you have no need to explain your actions.
Just go ahead and do what you want. You can be damned sure no man would ever explain himself to you.

Eckhart · 10/12/2020 18:50

@Woohoowoowoo

I don't see anything wrong with what the OP has said. Surely it's sensible.

At 22 I wasn't sure I was going to be with my boyfriend forever. We'd just started dating and were just about going out and having lots of fun together, nothing serious. I'm now 40 and have been married to the same boyfriend for a decade. I'm glad we didn't rush our relationship.

I have a boyfriend, but I don't see us having a future together

Not at all the same.

OP's boyfriend seems to be under the erroneous impression that they are in a committed relationship. She needs to tell him the truth. The moving in together thing is a symptom, not the the problem.

willowmelangell · 10/12/2020 19:18

My advice is, put yourself in his shoes, imagine that you are in love with your partner and they announce they are buying a house. You think oh wow, the next level, living together. Now imagine how you would want to hear the conversation where you are told, you are not a long term prospect and also not moving in.
Then tell him that, sooner rather than later.

Rybvita · 10/12/2020 19:19

@Elfieishere

Dump him

Agree. It's horribly selfish and cruel to string someone along who you know thinks they have a future with you. You're both completely incompatible in terms of what you want so set him free to find and love someone else who wants the same as him, and you go ahead and buy your house.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? I'm sure you would want a boyfriend you love to be fully honest with you that they don't see any long term future.

RaininSummer · 10/12/2020 19:25

At 22 I don't think I even gave 'the future' a thought in terms of whichever boyfriend was around and I did have long term relationships. So, I don't think there's anything wrong with just saying to him that it's way too early in your relationship to buy together as you don't know where it's going. but you, OP, want to get on the ladder. If the prompts a convo about the future and how you feel then do please be honest with him but I doubt at that age he is thinking that far ahead either.

NerrSnerr · 10/12/2020 20:00

@RaininSummer

At 22 I don't think I even gave 'the future' a thought in terms of whichever boyfriend was around and I did have long term relationships. So, I don't think there's anything wrong with just saying to him that it's way too early in your relationship to buy together as you don't know where it's going. but you, OP, want to get on the ladder. If the prompts a convo about the future and how you feel then do please be honest with him but I doubt at that age he is thinking that far ahead either.

When i was with my boyfriend at 22 (who is now my husband) there is no way we would have bought a house together- it took us 5 years to live together. We certainly saw some form of future though. The OP doesn't see any future with her partner. She said so.

HiyaCathyy · 10/12/2020 21:27

Don’t string him along if he thinks you have a future together. Fair enough if you’ve both decided to stay together until someone better comes along..

Amotherlife · 10/12/2020 22:11

I bought my own house when I was 26. I had been with my then boyfriend for about 18 months at the time. I never even considered buying it with him as I felt it wasn't something I would do unless we were getting married. He was someone I thought might last the distance, but in the end I broke it off with him about 15 months after buying the house.

He helped me look at houses and I discussed all the details with him - it was really helpful to have someone to share that with. He never suggested we buy together, although he had no money to put down anyway and his job wasn't as secure as mine. (I did let him move in for a while when he became homeless, but I never classed it as us living together properly, just as me helping him out.)

Do what feels right for you. It doesn't have to be the end of your relationship.

seensome · 10/12/2020 22:12

tell him you want to buy the house on your own, I wonder why you're with him when you don't want a future with him, it would be kinder to break up with him than to lead him on.

Amotherlife · 10/12/2020 22:20

Ignore the posters saying you need to split with him. You are young and I do remember when not much older, being uncertain whether someone was the one, but still wanting to see them. They didn't fall to pieces when the end came. With one boyfriend, something happened that made me realise I absolutely couldn't see a future with him. He knew this because of the issue we had, but we both agreed to continue our relationship for a while- we had both been through something unpleasant and needed more time together to process both it and the fact our relationship wouldn't be forever. It all ended amicably a few months later.

No one in their early 20s has much to lose by letting things take their course.

HiyaCathyy · 10/12/2020 22:22

But it depends on whether you’ve discussed a future doesn’t it? If it’s just casual then fair enough.

Rybvita · 10/12/2020 22:29

@Amotherlife

Ignore the posters saying you need to split with him. You are young and I do remember when not much older, being uncertain whether someone was the one, but still wanting to see them. They didn't fall to pieces when the end came. With one boyfriend, something happened that made me realise I absolutely couldn't see a future with him. He knew this because of the issue we had, but we both agreed to continue our relationship for a while- we had both been through something unpleasant and needed more time together to process both it and the fact our relationship wouldn't be forever. It all ended amicably a few months later.

No one in their early 20s has much to lose by letting things take their course.

For goodness sake, why don't some people read the OP properly??

The reason why people are advising she splits is because she's unequivocally said she doesn't see a future with him. There's no uncertainty about it. And also, in your second boyfriend example, it was a completely different situation as it was a joint decision to continue the relationship when you BOTH knew the relationship was not long term. OP specifically said her boyfriend is none the wiser!