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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Speak to him or not

9 replies

Cmfl22 · 10/12/2020 14:07

Prepared to get a 'don't do it' response but bear with.

Split up with someone 5 years ago..(was together 7) There was a build up prior to it and I was very happy when it happened.. The relationship was mainly brilliant for a lot of it.. It was also very hard for some of it too. We had difficult ex partners, both had kids at difficult ages and both had crazy mad jobs.

Life took its toll, I found him messaging someone else and walked. Even though I found nothing substantial and he made an effort to get the other woman to tell me it was just overly friendly chat I still couldn't handle it.

So we split.. He had a breakdown and didn't deal with it very well. Infact I took a restraining order out due to the harrasment of him trying to win me back.
That passed and he sent a huge apology, asked to speak to me. I felt sorry for him and know I finalised it all wrongly and polite chit chat began. Due to me being with someone and him not wanting me to speak to him I left it at 'thanks for the apology'
I've had messages asking if I'm OK etc and how he utterly messed up.

So let's jump to now. I see him almost every day. He's had other partners in between as have i but they've never lasted, possibly why mine haven't either in ways. Our children, now grown up are still good friends, all ex's are amicable .. Life's calm on that front.. the only person missing from the unit is me. My dd who still sees him will tell me he would try again tomorrow. That I was the love of his life. My friends would think I was mad as know I struggled with the break up hence posting on here.
So.. Would you speak to him?
I know most will say leave this in the past but when you're still partly in that situation it's so hard to switch off. I feel like I'll never get past this feeling of guilt if I don't clear the air. I get this feeling almost weekly.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/12/2020 14:11

Let me channel Will Smith here and be the first to say
OH HELL NO

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/12/2020 14:31

I'm not sure why your DD is seeing him (friends with his DC?) but the fact he's made it obvious to her that he's not over you is beyond inappropriate and shows that he still has massive problems respecting boundaries.

Set her a good example by demonstrating that we shouldn't feel obligated to stay with/return to someone who doesn't make us happy, no matter how they feel. We're women, not teddy bears.

Weirdfan · 10/12/2020 14:40

Only if you want to get back with him OP, otherwise all you're doing is giving him hope and opening the door for him to start harassing you again. If it feels 'unfinished' to you then working through that with a therapist seems a better way to get closure than re-establishing contact with someone you had to take out a restraining order against.

firecracker69 · 10/12/2020 14:44

That's a massive shift from a getting a restraining order against him to allowing him back in your life again!

Cmfl22 · 10/12/2020 16:17

Thanks for the replies. I understand what you're saying. It's hard as I'm to blame for parts.

OP posts:
Nothavingfunrightnow · 10/12/2020 16:25

If you love him and want to be with him and it's right, then maybe. If you're considering it because you feel guilty, obligated, and sorry for him, absofuckinglutely NOT.

Remember why you obtained the restraining order. Remember how shit life was for you then. And tell your daughter to butt out.

Cmfl22 · 10/12/2020 17:11

Nothaving thanks you're right.
Not my daughters fault she doesn't make a point of saying to get a reaction, she casually says sometimes that he's asked if I'm OK and then says how she knows he regrets it all. I need to think I know but it's hard sometimes.

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 10/12/2020 18:16

So do you have feelings for him OP, other than guilt over your part in the break up? Can you see a future with him now where you couldn't before, has he changed/done enough work on himself for you to be sure things would be different now? Those are the questions you need to be asking yourself and if the answer to any of them is 'no' then it's pretty clear this is unresolved guilt on your part and it's therapy you need, not to get back with him.

Cmfl22 · 10/12/2020 19:50

Hi, you're right.. I'm not wanting to get back with him so this would be the wrong message for him. I know I hate atmosphere and the heart stopping feeling when I see him and just want to clear the air.. He says he just wants to talk and maybe I'm naieve but I just want to be able to clear the air and not feel bad every time I go out. Thanks for clarifying

OP posts:
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