Please be honest about pain of breakup

[Helppleasethankyou]

Hi all,
I’m going to have to separate from H ASAP as his MH has deteriorated and he’s being emotionally abusive along with checking out of family life completely, ignoring boundaries and being unreasonably self centred.
I asked him to leave for a week the first week of Nov, he was good for a couple of weeks but has gone downhill because of work stress and family stress and I just can’t continue. My fear is the pain. I’ve loved him for so long (14 years) have 2 ch under 5, jointly owned house, car etc. Our lives are completely intertwined but I have many more friends/family support.
The week he was gone was awful. I’ve never felt so low, and I’m so scared of that. I know it’s what’s needed but I’m just so scared. How long are we looking at for that horrid pain? Weeks? Months? How do I cope with ch asking for him/crying for him/lashing out at me? I’ve already been asked this week why daddy doesn’t love dc. I just can’t cope, I’m so scared.
Please don’t flame me, I’ve done all the right things, he just can’t handle life and I need to stop us being a family before the ch get hurt anymore.

It will take a long time, OP, and it will be tough, but it will be worth it.
Do you have a support network - friends, family, counsellor?

If you feel overwhelmed try to talk to your GP or practice nurse.

You can fob the DC off with 'Mummy loves you' and cuddles for now, because it is true.

Don't be scared, you are much stronger than you think.

My advice is take one day at a time. What you are going through is like grief and everyone has their own timescale. Also it comes in waves. At some point you'll think it's all over and the next week/day/hour you will feel back down again. Do not be scared of this - its normal and to be expected.
I got tired of crying - then I started counting the hours/days I went without crying and gradually you begin to feel better. Don't be too hard on yourself, allow the grief and take support from anywhere you can. Reassure the children that they are loved. It will be OK

I think everyone's experiences will be unique to them and depend upon several factors so I'm not sure that will help you.

Your kids are young enough to adjust to life being a little different and it sounds like they will benefit from you being (eventually) happier.

The only advice i will give is to try and have as amicable relationship with their dad as possible, for their sake. They will suffer less if they can see you both regularly and see that you can get along as their parents.

My exh and I separated 3 years ago and it was a complete shock for everyone (maybe not so much him as he was having an affair) and I won't lie, it was awful. My kids were heartbroken, I was heartbroken and in a way, their dad was heartbroken too.

I worked hard on building an amicable relationship with my ex though and even in those early days when I just wanted to punch him or scream at him or break down in front of him (or all of them at the same time), the kids never saw that.

Three years on and I have been in a relationship with someone else for 16 months. I won't lie and say I'm gad our marriage ended because I'm not. This is never what I would have chosen for me or our children, but it's my youngest's birthday today and their dad is coming round later for takeaway and we have a routine that works for us all.

That raw pain does fade eventually. For me, into a dull regret. I have my moments, especially around this time of year (lots of memories) but it gets better and you are stronger than you think when you have to be x

Honestly I had to call the police in my ex to have him removed as he refused to leave. It was very weird. Next may will be 2 years and I feel now I’m a lot happier. At first it was really Lonley and sad, my little one was happier though as his dad wasn’t home until stupid hours then would start to slam doors and shout and wake us both up at 2 am then he would go to sleep in the front room so we couldn’t use it. That sort of stuff. So my little one was instantly happy now he does ask why dad doesn’t live here . He’s not to worried though. It did take a long time for
Me though be kind to yourself. You said he was abusive my ex was to . He still try’s to emotionally abuse me so be careful of that to. Please don’t be scared though it’s definitely the right thing my gp was and is brilliant for support. Speak to family and friends my mum has been amazing support. And never be afraid to post on here honestly I know it sounds silly but this place has helped me a lot. Be kind to yourself and reassure your children this is the right thing to do in the long term. Good luck. X

Also, what @NewYearHere20 said.

I still sometimes cry. Something will set me off out of nowhere and then I will be ok again. I fully intended to spend the rest of my life with this man though so mourning for that life you thought you'd have is a complicated process.

It hurts.

That deep deep pain. Feels like your insides are being ripped out and your heart is going to stop from the pain.

But it eases. Each day will have a few more minutes break from the pain.