Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Don't know what to do

22 replies

Lemonlemon88 · 10/12/2020 09:48

We can't afford the city where we live and I work a ridiculously stressful job with long hours which we don't see any benefit from because where we live is so expensive. We discussed moving back to our home town and I have been offered and accepted a job there, all in discussion with DP.

I have resigned. Notice given on rental. Movers are booked. Daycare is cancelled here and set up in new city.

DP has had a massive meltdown about moving today and I don't know what to do. I just can't cope with this. I've resigned so there is no going back. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack but I have to stay strong for the children.

OP posts:

DailyCandy · 10/12/2020 09:57

Head down & ignore him. You're moving. He needs to suck it up. You have a new job. It's going to be ok. Breathe. It's very stressful. Do you have any medication for panic attacks? I hope your day improves.

Original poster

Lemonlemon88 · 10/12/2020 10:06

I just feel very panicky and stressed but I've never taken any medication for anxiety before.

I get that it is a big move but now is not the time to be deciding that he doesn't want to move. Unless he really isn't moving. But I am, me and the kids have to. It's all in train. Fuck.

OP posts:

LeaveMyDamnJam · 10/12/2020 10:09

Well let him find his own place and he can stay. Seriously, he is a father, the time for histrionics has passed. Unless he has additional needs, he is a useless article.

DailyCandy · 10/12/2020 10:09

If you're really feeling you can't deal with the anxiety, call the GP. Medication really helps. This is a big decision, but you're right, it's done now. His reaction isn't helpful.

Original poster

Lemonlemon88 · 10/12/2020 10:15

He doesnt have additional needs, just a long history of self sabotage and I should have known he was going to pull a stunt like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonlemon88 · 10/12/2020 10:21

Thank you @DailyCandy I might do that if I don't feel any better soon.

OP posts:

something2say · 10/12/2020 10:23

I went thro this, but no partner.

My situation was, I had a mortgage on a flat but had to work long hours over years to pay for the bills, the car service, any going out. Forget overseas holidays. I started thinking, what's the point of this life?

So I have moved 100 miles away where you get more for your money house wise, and I can earn an ok wage. Life is slower, I have more time and things are less stressful. I now wish I'd done it years ago.

I hope this is where you end up. I'm sorry you're having to deal with a scared partner too tho. But dont let it affect you, you cant. In a year, things could be much easier for you x

Original poster

Lemonlemon88 · 10/12/2020 10:33

Thank you @something2say, your story is exactly what I am hoping for. I have a new much less stressful job with shorter hours so I will get to see my children more and have better life balance. We will have more money to do things! We will also have family support so we will have free babysitting every so often and there will be cousins to play with and someone to help in an emergency.

OP posts:

pickingdaisies · 10/12/2020 10:43

Just keep those positives running in your head, don't give your partner any precious headroom right now. You really can't allow his awful behaviour to impinge on the well-being of you and your children. Mentally, you have to block him out, and keep going. Call your family for support and a sanity check if you need to.

Timeforabiscuit · 10/12/2020 10:48

Congratulations on being a grown up, you know this is the right decision, you've done the legwork now it's the execution.

As tempting as it would be to read your partner the riot act, just try to take it step by step - he can either join or not join (you can't control that), but it sounds like you've been the one doing the legwork on this?

Timeforabiscuit · 10/12/2020 10:50

The congratulations is full hearted, as I don't think people get nearly enough credit for sorting difficult shit out while others whinge on the sidelines.

HollowTalk · 10/12/2020 10:54

You've done really well - you've recognised there's a problem and worked out how to resolve it and you've sorted it.

He has to decide whether he's going with you or not. Are you currently living in his home town?

CrotchetyQuaver · 10/12/2020 11:10

I had this 20 years ago with my husband. I pressed on and he came round to the idea the day before moving day thank goodness. Try to keep telling yourself you're doing this because it is what is best for your family

WorrierorWarrior · 10/12/2020 11:24

Congratulations on the new job and well done on organising everything. What I think is significant here is that you have done everything while all DH has done is throw a tantrum.
Does he have a job? Does he have an income? What is his input in this marriage and parenthood?

If he does not have a job or income, he is very lucky to be a kept man. Maybe his worry is that you will see how surplus he is to requirements once you are moved among family and all the help/friendship they can offer you and DC.
If you are providing all in this set up do what you want and dont give in to his petulant tantrummings

BrowncoatWaffles · 10/12/2020 12:10

You are doing exactly the right thing with this move. Try and focus on the positives and then go from there.

How's your relationship generally? Is it usually that you do all the hard work and hold everything together and he does drama and flouncing?

Original poster

Lemonlemon88 · 11/12/2020 03:36

Than you everyone for your words. It’s both of our
home town we are moving back to but he really likes where we live now. He does work (he’s a landscaper so hard physical work) but I am the main earner by a long way and my job has just got too much for me with two small children. As well as this even though I earn well, I don’t earn enough here for us to have a life without financial pressures.

We have been discussing this move for a long time. I am so frustrated. Our relationship is up and down (we both have our faults) and this move will either make us or break us. He’s now not speaking to me so I will just carry on organising and will have to do everything he was meant to be doing. Shoulders back and carrying on.

OP posts:

TwinklyLightsandBaubles · 11/12/2020 03:42

Keep on keeping on OP. You are doing the right thing. It is so selfish of your DP to try and sabotage the move now when it’s all in motion and you had both agreed it all.
I know it’s tricky with tier restrictions, etc but do you have any local friends who could help you whilst DP is throwing his toys out of the pram?

pickingdaisies · 11/12/2020 08:42

OP I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but like someone mentioned, there's no point reacting to his nonsense. He might have a nice life in your current home, but it's all at your expense. Financially and your own physical and mental health. What kind of person is happy to do that to the person he loves? He'll have to wake up and smell the coffee. Hope you have a better day today.

Supersimkin2 · 11/12/2020 08:47

OP, you're doing the right thing. You know it.

DP ought to be slightly ashamed of tantrumming - you're feeding and housing his DC, and that's taken enough pressure off him already. Not to mention supporting him.

Mummy's ground herself into the dust for her kids, including him.

RantyAnty · 11/12/2020 10:12

He needs to grow up.

If he wanted to stay where you were, he could have trained for or gotten a better paying job.

I'd be livid if my spouse pulled that crap during a stressful move with DC and a new job. He's not being a partner at all. He's being a burden.

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 10:24

Not much to add but sounds like you have been under a lot of pressure and are doing the right thing, good luck with your move and make time to stop and breathe and have a moment as moving is really bloody stressful anyway.

AbiBrown · 11/12/2020 10:47

First of all, it will be OK. I do give leeway to your partner as I'm very indecisive and can see myself freaking out about a move. Would it help if you sat down with him and suggested that if it doesn't work out long term you can always move back? See it as a bit of an adventure, highlight all the benefits and the new things he can try. Give it a year and then reassess? I know I find big moves like these more manageable when I know there's a way back. Even if I might never need it. Then I'm able to see the fun side...

Flip