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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP says he is not happy

11 replies

GingerBun · 10/12/2020 09:31

Apologies in advance for the long one, just hoping for some clarity/insight/advice?

I will preface this and say that i am 24YO - DP is 25YO and i am 6 months pregnant. Last night whilst sat on the sofa with DP - i burst in to tears. Not a common occurrence but when he asked what was wrong - i couldn't tell him. I didn't know what was wrong. Just felt really upset. I am blaming the pregnancy hormones!

I got up, went to get tissue and then when i came back into the living room - DP is sobbing. I ask him what is wrong and he said he doesn't know either, he is just not happy. I think me telling him i was upset at nothing in particular had set him off.

Over the last couple of days he has been in a terrible mood, not with me, just in general. Upset about his physical appearance, upset at his parents (we are currently living with them) and really miffed off about his shifts at work. I asked him if he was having cold feet about our relationship and having a baby but he says that our future together is the only thing he is looking forward to.

I am not sure that Covid has had a massive impact on his MH - we have been active, out walking, cooking good food and done nothing much out of the ordinary of what we usually do (other than a couple of cancelled holidays).

He has worked throughout both lockdowns and took on extra responsibility for 6 months when colleagues were off ill but has not been financially compensated for this. Other than this - feels lucky his job is secure.

At a 16 week scan we were informed of some abnormalities with our baby who has been diagnosed with a rather serious "disability" - DP has been great and a really rock during this time, he was really upset and i thought he had processed the information as he is extremely optimistic about LO's future but now questioning whether or not he really is okay with this.

Our housing situation has been a bit up in the air- we agreed purchase of a house and 4 months into buying after all the solicitors/surveyors/mortgage brokers had been paid the seller pulled out of the sale which cost us ££££'s in fees. We have found another house and in the process of buying but doesn't look like we will complete in time for LO's arrival which I am sure is playing on his mind as it is mine.

When first house fell through DP's parents insisted we stayed with them until we were sorted - however they are extremely over bearing and treat us both like little children. It has been a really hard adjustment and I can see it grating on DP.

I am just not sure what i can do to help, he can't tell me why he feels so down and doesn't want to talk about it when he doesn't know himself. He doesn't want to upset me with his problems and I'm just at a loss. What can i do to help my DP. He was really great when we were going through the thick of it a couple of months ago and now i feel okay and positive and he is crumbling Sad

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 10/12/2020 09:55

Hug him, tell him everything's going to be ok. You're both under a lot of stress but a lot of it sounds like temporary stuff.

It's really important that he feels like he can express his sadness and worry to you. He doesn't have to be 'the rock', he's not 'crumbling' - that's kind of toxic language. He's just a person like you who has ups and downs.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/12/2020 10:03

Yep give him a hug.

You guys have a lot going on right now so it’s not surprising you’re both a bit teary.

I’m assuming you are in uk so not much open but I’d try and do something nice together every day, even if it’s just having a quiet cup of tea together.
Remember this will pass, you will be in your own home soon with your own precious baby. You have a lot to look forward to but it will seem really daunting sometimes.

Quartz2208 · 10/12/2020 10:07

Were you offered any counselling after the diagnosis - that is an awful lot for anyone to handle - even one of those things would cause people stress in normal times but together in 2020 that is a melting point of worries and stresses

It is ok to not be ok and I think that is the first stage of this - he is dealing with so much he needs to understand that not feeling ok is normal

CorianderQueen · 10/12/2020 10:08

I think it's fairly obvious why he's upset - he hates living with his parents, he feels undervalued in his job, his baby may have a disability which will make things harder, there's a pandemic.

Any one of them would make people blue. Just support him and lean on eachother.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/12/2020 10:11

Oh god this is such a lot to have on both your shoulders at such a young age. I want to give you both a massive hug 😔

something2say · 10/12/2020 10:13

Aw. Xxxxx life is hard sometimes and we're all allowed a bit of a sob and moan. The housing thing will work out in the end. But I'm really sorry to hear about the diagnosis with your baby and wish you both the best possible outcome xx

GingerBun · 10/12/2020 10:27

thank you all Flowers

I know that they are all huge factors in why he is unhappy but not sure why he won't acknowledge them as the reason or talk to me about it.

We have got through so much together as it is so i am absolutely positive that everything will be okay and will support him where i can but honestly i just wish i could do more. I want to take the unhappiness away (i know i cant)

@Quartz2208 we weren't offered any counselling and tbh, they have been a bit naff in fetal medicine - all due to covid of course Hmm

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 10/12/2020 11:03

OP - you describe in your post how you felt sad and cried but you couldn't tell him why or explain it.

So you do understand "why he won't acknowledge them as the reason or talk to me about it".

Try this link :

www.askmen.com/dating/relationship_advice/how-to-help-a-partner-through-a-difficult-time.html

Jennifer2r · 10/12/2020 11:24

I woild also be careful of your language to him and other people about your life at the moment.

Don't say : I've been so upset and he's been a rock and such a great support and so strong

Do say : this year has been hard on both of us. We've both struggled. Luckily we have each other for support and we can lean on each other.

GingerBun · 10/12/2020 11:28

Thank you for the advice @Jennifer2r i really appreciate it

OP posts:
Rybvita · 10/12/2020 19:49

Sending you hugs OP and sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now so please go easy on yourself (and DP). Flowers

I was actually born with a serious genetic "disablity" and hearing about that time from my parents I know it was tough for them. However hang on to the fact that this is a phase and the only constant in life is change. Life is full of ups and downs, and sooner or later things will be on the up again. I've had and continue to have lifelong challenges throughout my life due to my condition but let me tell you that I'm SO grateful for my life. You treasure things more. I'm so grateful for everything that I do have and for being given a chance at life. Sadly there's a preoccupation with having healthy babies but life just isn't like that and you never know how your child could be an unexpected blessing to you later in life (this actually happened to my parents). So many people have health conditions in our society so naturally this will be the same for some unborn babies.

I suggest you may find it helpful reaching out to support organisations/charities associated with the condition your child has as they will be understanding and empathetic and there may be other parents etc. who you can link up with Smile

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