Maybe it is me...

[DoDeDoDe]

Please help. I'm feeling emotionally disconnected from my DW and we havent had sex for a year and yet only 39 yo.

I had a bad day at work and in the evening was chatting to DW. As background, I've joined a new team at work this summer (small group of just four
.three of us and the boss). I found out today that two long standing members of the team are of on holiday next week and wont be back till the new year. That's the first I've heard - i assumed that they just booked it over the summer without asking.

So i was telling my DW that I felt this was a bit cheeky of my team members. I appreciate that I am new (but I've known the team for five years), but I would have thought it would have been discussed. So is that how it works.. first come first serve? I've some unused holiday that I could potentially lose now because the boss needs someone in covering, so that will have to be me.

My wife's response was that it was my fault. And that it's my fault that I should have booked the time off back in July. I explained that it was more that they booked without discussing. But anyway, essentially my wife made me feel pretty low. I was hoping for a bit of support but I got the opposite.

But then maybe she is right. It is my fault for not booking my own holiday back in July. In my defence I'm new to the team and I'm just working so hard to try and impress.

So question - do you expect your DP to back you unequivocally? Even if she said, yes I understand your frustration but just try and get your holiday requests on earlier. But it felt like an attack and focus on my weaknesses.

Being dismissed by your DW like that is bad. Is she usually dismissive? For instance, if you state, "I think I'm sick." Does she come back with, "There's nothing wrong with you."

Or is this a one off?
She should be on your side - not the opposite side.

If I were your dw in that situation I'd be gutted that you wouldn't be able to be home with us at Christmas time so I guess I might lash out in disappointment/upset and mistakenly take it out on you? Not that she's right to at all, but it might explain it?

I don’t really understand why you think it is cheeky for other team members to book their leave? Perhaps your wife was unduly abrupt with you, I don’t know, but no I don’t think she needs to agree with everything you say.

If my DH came home and said his colleagues were cheeky for booking leave, I would tell him I don’t think that is cheeky but he should get requests in as soon as he knows what dates are known. B

Yes she can be dismissive. Our relationship has gone south in lockdown. So maybe she has got worse. Oh yes for sure, I've said I the past i was suffering mentally with stress and she said I brought it on myself.

We decided not to spend Christmas together and have no kids so it's not impacting her.

So question - do you expect your DP to back you unequivocally? Even if she said, yes I understand your frustration but just try and get your holiday requests on earlier. But it felt like an attack and focus on my weaknesses

She didn't validate you. Validation is hugely important for bonding. Do you regularly get this feeling in your relationship? Here's an article; number 3 is that validating isn't the same as agreeing. So, no, I don't expect that partners should back each other unequivocally, but I would expect some level of understanding of my feelings, rather than an outright dismissal of them. You felt bad, and she added to that. If she's doing that a lot, it's a bad sign. You don't have to put up with feeling like that.

www.huffpost.com/entry/relationship-advice_b_2127394?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAKB2SUyC7y3rbsi4MFCM1dS-llUhMk3vOPao64dELhg2i_l_BEUQYfQ9cQJ3HX19gGJM1X1KyuShKSHhYBMgpIFXUm37Cr7sbbOkJZmIr6OxSiLCVkC_6UJIIqFEMlxKw2qUzXrhPOhdBDm-72ALtrPIZQPCpQ1S75q6tTWs_Klh

Ok yes I agree I'm stupid. I was stupid for waiting till December to book Christmas holidays. But like I said, i joined the team in the summer..I would have thought that at some point the other two longstanding members would have mentioned that they are both away. Etc

Regarding my DW... all I think now is that I just wont mention anything again because I'd rather just deal with it internally than ask for a sympathetic ear and receive a dressing down.

It sounds like you have a marriage in legal terms only. You are not even spending Xmas together! You have no kids keeping you together and you are not really in a functioning relationship. It sounds like she doesn't care for you anymore. It could be time you had the separation talk as there isn't really anything that is gelling you together other than you got married at some point. You need to Tait down and talk about where you are headed, because it's dysfunctional.

Sit, not Tait

I wouldn't say stupid, but naive. If you want a peaktime for holiday like Christmas, you need to think ahead and book in. Isn't there a team holiday planner you can check? It's not really for your colleagues to keep you informed of their annual leave.

This isn't about the holidays. It's about kindness and support. My marriage was like this and it felt like a death by a thousand cuts. We eventually divorced. I'd rather have no sympathy than deal with being told off all the time. If this sounds like it's the case for you too then I'd seriously review the whole relationship.

Exactly. This isn't about the holiday. It's about what peoples view is about spousal support!

I think in isolation this is not something to get so upset about but if it is a pattern of behaviour then that’s different. When a person chips away at your confidence constantly it takes generally a relatively minor thing to tip you over the edge. Something that by itself doesn’t seem big. You’ll be told you’re overreacting or it’s not that bad. Just remember that you only get one life, you don’t get to go back and start again so if your life is not how you want it to be then change it. You have the power to do that. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong. Your feelings are your own. Your life is yours to live. If you are not happy and you don’t think things will change then move on.