Please help me to support my mum, she has finally LTB Dv

[OriginalD0G]

My mum has had a long and difficult marriage to my dad, I don't want to be too specific as I'm not sure what is classed as evidence or not. She's been married well over 40 years. DV has been prevalent throughout starting from when they married. Mum was actually still a child when she met him and he in twenties.

Over lockdown things have spiralled pretty badly. He has tried to strangle her and more recently beat her black in blue it's worth noting she is disabled and he is classed as her Carer. There has been a lot of gaslighting leading up to this to the point he had convinced her she was mad.

This particular incident went on for hours and he also beat her with wood and eventually the police were involved. She went to hospital and he is being charged, mum has since withdrawn her statement but the police Will pursue the case anyway, my statement also still stands and the police have photos etc. Mum really does not want it to go to court - she already feels humiliated and more so having her private life dragged over the coals. She is also screwed up at the thought of their long marriage ending in prison which is kind of understandable.

Right now she is a bit of an emotional mess (who wouldn't be) and beers towards anger, sadness, hurt and also moments of positivity. It's so hard to see her so distressed.

Right now all I feel towards him is hatred so I am not always the most sympathetic ear when she speaks of feeling sorry for him although I am always kind to her and respectful of her feelings I know it's not all black and white and teal life is easier than just LTB. She is living with me he is bailed to their home address

Was hoping for some help or advice. I just so want to help her she is in such turmoil

I have no experience here but didn’t want to leave you hanging!

I would say first get some professional help for her, woman’s aids and similar have phone lines where she can speak to people used to talking to victims. They can also sign post to counselling. Would there be money to pay for this?

There are a couple of things that you’ve mentioned that make me think this would help.

1. you’re her daughter there maybe she had things she needs to talk about that would be hard to share with you. There are things I wouldn’t tell my daughter, but she might still need to talk about them.
2. I’m sure victims of DV have very mixed emotions about their partners, complicated here by the fact he was her carer, It’s very hard to understand how she’s feeling. Like you I would hate him and not be able to her anything nice about him, which is why you probably aren’t the best ears right now. Someone used to dealing with the complex feels she needs to talk through would help.

Maybe get her out and about if she feels able - giving a sense that life goes on for her after this might help? She has been with him for ages and in some ways he has her career has been a life line in eye eyes, she might be struggling to understand what happens now - working with her on a plan, where she will live long term, if it’s with you, what will that look like, perhaps a weekend break you can both look forward to - anything that starts to create the sense of a future life beyond what’s happened. Are there any local groups she is or can be part of to fill some gaps and help her build relationships with others - make her feel less isolated now she is not in a couple?

I second Women's Aid, and also suggest you show her The Freedom Program. They do a course and have some resources online;
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

You also need to get some support for yourself, so have a chat with Women's Aid.

Gosh your poor mum! Well done to her, the possibility of him killing her if she goes back is real. She does need professional counselling. Who will be her carer you or an agency? Have the police flagged your home incase he turns up? Does your mum have any friends of her own or is she isolated imagining everyone is thinking g things about her?
She is reliant on him and he has been in charge of her whole life, she will feel like a snail without its shell and simply can’t function without him at the moment which is why she can’t think for herself as she has never been allowed to. Women’s refuge maybe able to help, what Nout social services and the police plus her GP.
Could you coax her into helping you to write a list of the things she’d like to do in life and start making plans from having a bank account and paying a bill to being able to go out whenever she wants etc ( covid and her health allowing). Sing in charge of the remote control for instance perhaps her own mobile. Any ostracised family to get back in touch with? Small steps, you sound like you are doing brilliantly