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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure where I stand

16 replies

Ellie8887 · 09/12/2020 16:57

Me and my boyfriend had a argument which to be honest we were both being stubborn and just didn't resolve it so it became worse. His last words were yelling at me ‘I’m done with you’ to which I responded ‘Im done with you too’. We spoke on the phone pretty much everyday but I told him I needed a little space to see what the issue was causing us to argue and then find a solution, its pointless to move forward without resolving the issue properly.
Anyway they day he came over to talk to me he just found out his Dad was rushed to hospital and might not make it. I asked him as he was leaving what should I do for him and he said ‘i dont know do what you want’ - in hindsight i probably shouldn’t have asked him at that moment - i never really understood what he meant by ‘do what you want’ and in the few weeks after if i would check in with him he was very hostile and was pushing me away.
The situation as it stands is his Dad sadly died a few weeks ago - i have been sending him a text every few days to let him know Im there and I went to visit him (its harder to visit often as we dont live close) this weekend he text me to say his Grandma has now passed away too :(
This is an awful time for him and I know right now the situation isnt about me but I cant help but feel I dont know where I stand. He pushed me away and told me go do whatever I wanted when his Dad was ill however since the death happened he hasn’t said that but hasnt exactly said ‘hey yes I want you here’ either. It was only when the death happened he started to open up about how he felt and seemed more willing to talk to me. Im just conflicted in myself because I know I cant have the big relationship talk with him that would be so selfish while he is grieving but we never resolved anything so I am feeling uncertain about It all. I also feel like I am being there for someone and giving a lot right now when I dont even really know where we are headed - I hope this doesnt make me sound too selfish. I just know that it can take a long time to come through the worst of grief and so I feel stuck because I dont know where I stand right now or what I should be doing. Or if he even wants me there - how can I tell when he hasnt said and I dont want to pressure him for an answer? I really dont know I’m probably thinking about it too much
Any advice welcome xx :)

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2020 17:01

It sounds like you broke up with him before his Dad was unwell. Let him text you and support him if you can but assume he's your ex

Original poster

Ellie8887 · 09/12/2020 18:34

@Shoxfordian

It sounds like you broke up with him before his Dad was unwell. Let him text you and support him if you can but assume he's your ex

Thats what I think sometimes and then other times Im like but we were still trying to discuss it all to sort it out so nobody officially said ‘yes it really over’ ... I don't know I just don't want him to feel like I went off with the breakup without really talking to him about it at a point in his life when he may need my love and support more than ever

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 09/12/2020 19:59

Yes, you broke up and to be honest, with the mention on arguing, it doesn't sound great anyway. Assume that you broke up and carry on with your life. He'll get in touch if he wants, you expressed sympathy and showed you were available to support him. Time to move on now.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 20:04

You are not together anymore and I strongly advise you to leave him completely alone. The man has been going through hell and he simply doesn't need any more drama or stress. Stop texting him and let him be. Perhaps in the future you might reconnect, but my guess is that you will not. It's time to move on.

Amerimoon · 09/12/2020 20:33

Just leave him alone OP, he knows you’re there if he wants to reach out for support in his grief. You’ve broken up, what answer are you waiting for?

Original poster

Ellie8887 · 09/12/2020 21:20

But wouldn’t you want to be there for someone you care about through a situation like this? If I walked away now would he not see that as me not caring right when he needed me to?

OP posts:

Amerimoon · 09/12/2020 21:23

What do you mean by “being there”? Make it clear you’re there if needed, then leave him be.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 21:46

But wouldn’t you want to be there for someone you care about through a situation like this?

You have already made it abundantly clear that you are available if he needs your support. It appears your support is not what he needs right now and you need to respect that. If he wants to contact you he will.

Opentooffers · 10/12/2020 00:31

You can't force your care onto somebody. Yes it can seem like a pull when you see someone in pain who you cared about, and the temptation is to want to wrap your arms around them any tell them it will be ok, but it has to come from them. TBH, you split up before this bad set of events in his life, it's just that you have not accepted it. If he ever wants to try and date you again he will let you know, but as he has not turned to you, I'd say the chances are slim.
"What can I do?" As he's going out the door to see his dying father, if I've got that right? Well it's an ambiguous question, but it's the sort of thing people just generally ask in a crisis, he could of said, " I don't know" , because really there is no magic that was about to make the situation better. He chose to day" do what you want" which is tantamount to the same thing and is basically a throwaway comment as understandably, he would not have wanted to give your situation headspace. You see, a relationship that is not working and has just ended really pales into insignificance when compared to death.
You can chose to hang in hope in the background for however long if you want, but if you push him to consider you and your feelings at this time, he will likely react negatively. So where do you stand? Well, nowhere unless he says different.

Catsup · 10/12/2020 00:39

You've offered your support, and he's aware you're there if he wants to talk. Beyond that I'd honestly leave him to process what has happened and grieve. It can feel like a massive personal guilt to leave someone to it during that situation. But sending texts he then feels obliged to respond to probably won't help either of you right now. I'd imagine getting into deep discussions regarding if you both can or want to resume the relationship are firmly on the back burner until he processes his current bereavements.

Aprilx · 10/12/2020 00:46

Yes I would want to be there for someone I care for however if they don’t want me there I have to accept that. It seems like you have repeatedly reached out to him and he is not taking you up on your offer of support. You need to leave him alone now.

Sunflower1970 · 10/12/2020 01:55

To be honest the poor guy is going through hell. I’m sure he has support from his family members and to be blunt - the last thing on his mind is reconnecting with an ex who said they want space. Now is definitely not the time to be discussing your past relationship.

user1481840227 · 10/12/2020 02:08

Did you post this same thing a couple of weeks ago?
If not it was an extremely similar situation.

Original poster

Ellie8887 · 10/12/2020 10:36

No, this is my first time posting.
I Feel like he is taking me up on the offer if support otherwise he wouldnt be opening up to me about losing his Dad
I feel like if he didnt want me there for him he would have no problem in cutting me off or simoly just telling me.
I guess my main issue is Im in a difficult place for myself - I know its not the time to talk about the relationship but I also feel like its a problem that need addressing therefore I cant just jump back in like nothing happened but its hard to be just a friend if you know what I mean.
Half of me is saying ‘be there and support him all the time he is welcoming it’ and the other half is like ‘just cut it off’ and I just dont know what is right

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 10/12/2020 10:46

Take his lead, don't be the first to text him. It's all shit timing and unfortunate, but there is not much else you can do. If you are finding it too hard to just be friendly at this time, cut down communication and keep yourself busy elsewhere, so you don't endlessly dwell on it.

Honeyroar · 10/12/2020 10:56

Just wait. There’s nothing else you can do. If he’s talking to you and discussing his feelings then listen. Be there. Give it time. Whether you’re together or not, it doesn’t matter at this point. There are much bigger things happening. When the dust settles a bit (in a month or two) you’ll find out. If you’re not together you’ll still have been a good friend and done the right thing.

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