Difficult conversations OLD/new relationship

[verballyincompetent]

I've NC'ed in case anyone recognises me

I came out of a 10 year relationship during first lockdown. We had both hit our early 30s, realised we didn't love each other and weren't going to marry. I also have a health condition which although is life threatening, is treatable but this was putting extra pressure on us. Basically pretty amicable and I've been keen to date again.

Anyway... just before second lockdown and after a handle of online dates I met a new guy. We were both single so eligible bubble which is what we did. I've now spent every weekend and the odd evening at his for the last few weeks. However I'm struggling a bit with his communication - he only texts once a day (one long text which is always very complimentary and nice. I was happy with this when we first started dating but it feels like it should be picking up?)... I'm not sure whether I should say anything? We also haven't had a conversation about exclusivity/what this is. From everything he's said I think he's seeing it as exclusive and doesn't think we need to have the conversation - but the whole thing is making me insecure. I know I need to bring it up but I also don't want to be crazy needy...

At some point I also need to tell him about my medical condition. It's making me nervous and stressed. I've managed to hide it so far but if anyone was in a proper relationship with me it would end up impacting their life. One of the reasons I haven't had the what is this conversation is I feel that as soon as I do I would need to be honest about the health condition.

Help! What should I do?! Any wise words from MNers would be appreciated 😊

If your medical condition will impact his future, I think telling him as soon as possible is the right thing to do. He should be able to decide if continuing the relationship is something he wants whilst being fully informed.

@Aquamarine1029 I know you're right. It would impact in the sense I have to have lots of surgeries, and although hopefully will be able to work, have kids etc none of that is guaranteed... it's just really gutting thinking he might not want to be with my because of it. And what if I tell him so early it puts him off, if that makes sense?

If he genuinely likes you enough then your health condition won't put him off, then
Have the exclusive chat with him, bring it up next time you see him, don't waste time second guessing what he wants/feels the same, better to know sooner rather than later.

...it's just really gutting thinking he might not want to be with my because of it. And what if I tell him so early it puts him off, if that makes sense?

It's better to know now rather investing more time in the relationship. Also, if you wait a significant time to tell him he may feel very upset about that, which would invariably damage the relationship. Just tell him now and let the chips fall where they may.

Second lockdown only started 6 weeks ago . You don't need to tell him yet, you're still getting to know each other.

If someone told me of a condition before I was invested in them and had a real connection, it might put me off but if it was after I felt something for them, then it would be different. And despite liking honesty, I don't think you need to tell someone everything at the beginning.

But exclusivity is different. If you are sleeping together then I think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel.

@Sakurami that's how I feel - like if you're not really invested in the person yet it might just be easier to leave it but then I also feel very dishonest not saying anything - he works in healthcare so he would understand implications of condition and we have talked about health etc before so it feels like I'm misleading him

I'm disabled (hidden) and did a lot of OLD. As soon as I told the guys they disappeared and tbh I didn't blame them.

I then met my now partner who knew before we met. It didn't phase him at all which was refreshing after all the worrying I had done with the OLD and 'when was the right time to tell someone' decision.

I'd tell him now. His loss if he leaves. Least you will know.

Can I suggest that you don't combine the health conversation with the exclusivity talk? I don't think you would anyway. Better in my opinion to tell him the health issue now. Have the exclusivity talk after Christmas. You can usually tell if they are treating it as exclusive. Enjoy these weeks for what they are too. A lovely diversion and distraction from lockdown. A chance to practise your dating skills.

I tell them almost straight away. If they can’t handle it - that’s fine - but they aren’t worth my time. Tell him ASAP. You don’t want to get too invested then he says he can’t cope with it.

I’ve been with this guy for 7ish months now and told him straight away. He’s been amazing and we joke about how broken I am. It doesn’t phase him at all. Hopefully your guy will be the same. Good luck.

Firstly, all this exclusivity chat to him isn't what's important as he has said, he says he doesn't feel the need to have the conversation probably because he just is enjoying getting to know you. You are just out of a 10 year relationship and wanting to have more texting from him and lock him down with exclusivity chats because of your insecurities. Where has the fun and lightness gone in your relationship? I would be bolting for the hills if that happened to me. Its early days. Just have fun, get to know each other. Give each other room to breathe or you will suffocate it before its even started. You may have needed some extra time alone to reconcile the previous relationship before heading into another one. As for the medical issue, you must tell him immediately. It is unfair for you to lock him down, get him to commit to you then drop this on to him. He needs to know all about you. Him being in the medical profession I suspect will go in your favour, he hopefully will understand. Please tell him now. You are not being open and honest and it will look like you can hide stuff from him which does not build trust. Remember you are at the very, very early stages of a relationship. You must be open with him.

@litterbird we haven't had any conversations about being exclusive at all yet, I'm just guessing from our conversations when he's casually mentioned in his gf or he's told his family about me that he sees us as exclusive... im not asking fir a marriage prooosal but I'd like to be clear we aren't seeing anyone else and have taken down our profiles. Do you really think that's too much? We are only texting once a day each. I haven't raised any of my concerns with him... Not sure that's smothering?!

@Aquamarine1029

...it's just really gutting thinking he might not want to be with my because of it. And what if I tell him so early it puts him off, if that makes sense?

It's better to know now rather investing more time in the relationship. Also, if you wait a significant time to tell him he may feel very upset about that, which would invariably damage the relationship. Just tell him now and let the chips fall where they may.

I have a chronic health condition. I prefer to mention it very early on as it impacts on my whole life and therefore will impact theirs. Some guys don't care and others ghost me pretty much after I tell them. His reaction is a good guage of whether or not he's right for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with the guys who don't want to proceed with me, and I know it's not my fault for being unwell. it's a hard thing to be in a relationship with someone with poor health so I think he should know sooner rather than later. Good luck op.