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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long did it take for your ex...

23 replies

Pebbledashery · 08/12/2020 19:32

To quit work or go self employed once they started paying child maintenance??
Received a first payment for DD today... And wondering how long it'll take...

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/12/2020 19:35

Mine became the stay at home parent for his girlfriends kids, she works, he looks after them, so his actual kids get nothing because they played the system.

He was really abusive so it took a very long tie for me to be able to safely claim anyway.

mrlevelheaded · 08/12/2020 21:44

some of us continued to pay up, almost £1000 a month following full declaration of all income to the authorities, for 16 years even though she was the one who had the affairs and broke up the family.......

kbPOW · 08/12/2020 22:13

It took a year, but he waited a little bit longer so he could announce it on my birthday. He lives an extravagant lifestyle and pays £70 per month. Pretended to leave his job and changed to self-employed. CMS no help at all.

Doyoumindifislytherin · 08/12/2020 22:17

Mine took a manual job (always been blue collar) and over a 50% payout just after 18 months and his wife (OW) took a promotion and returned full time. Hmm doesn't bother me that much. I never needed his money anyway but felt it right he contributed all the same. I mean it his his child too after all. My child isn't any worse off... me and DP have made sure of that

VanGoghsDog · 08/12/2020 22:29

I once interviewed a guy who, when asked why he had left his previous job, said he'd been paying too much child maintenance so moved to a lower paying job. I was gobsmacked. Manager wanted to hire him, I vetoed.

TossCointoYerWitcher · 08/12/2020 22:29

Some of us do 45% co-parenting, whilst still holding a full time job and still pay above the advised amount because they love their kids and think its the right thing to do.

I'm obviously doing this whole "man" thing wrong. Hmm

Pebbledashery · 08/12/2020 22:36

@VanGoghsDog that's absolutely terrible!!! He couldn't even be bothered to lie.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 08/12/2020 22:38

@TossCointoYerWitcher well. I'm happy for you. And you're in that percentage.
But, my ex however is an abusive and violent predator who is using the Court system to further abuse me. Not paying a single penny towards his child when he's a higher earner and I work part time. It's fine though. Our daughter doesn't go without. I don't need his money but that's her money and her right. A real father would put any feelings of animosity aside and provide for his child. But apparently that's too much for some men.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/12/2020 22:49

I'm obviously doing this whole "man" thing wrong

Completely ignoring the fact the question op asked is irrelevant to you, telling us all that you do more than the bare minimum for your kids and passively aggressively suggesting its not all men (even though op never implied it was)?

Nope, you're good, you're doing the "man" thing correctly, don't worry Smile

mrlevelheaded also does more than the bare minimum and came onto a thread not relating to his situation at all just to let us know he's great for paying for his kid even though his ex had an affair.

This thread is just full of great guys just chomping at the bit to tell us how great they are.

Hope you get more answers to your actual question op.

Sorry things are tough right now. Its irritating as fuck these men get away with not paying for their kids Flowers

Lockdownbody · 08/12/2020 22:53

Mine took just over 2 years to stop paying. He was made redundant (with an undisclosed payout) and has 3 companies in his name but earns nothing apparently.

Pebbledashery · 08/12/2020 22:59

I suspected I'd get some passive aggressive men coming on.

OP posts:
Superstardjs · 08/12/2020 23:01

My ex quit his job as soon as we separated, so has never had to pay a penny. It's been a decade...

Itmaybeus · 08/12/2020 23:03

Six months stopped paying and then cms chased so quit his job by 2 year, then stopped visiting at 18 months old.
He quickly got ow pregnant and became a stay at home dad, I do know he's working now however still doesn't pay and as I imagine it's a near minimum wage job and he has 3 dc living with him I don't expect it would be much. Also dc doesn't want contact with his father and I'm scared he'd want contact in 'payment' for paying cm. Dc is 16 so has a right to decide for himself but father has been abusive in the past therefore I've decided rightly or wrongly not to pursue.

VanGoghsDog · 08/12/2020 23:16

[quote Pebbledashery]@VanGoghsDog that's absolutely terrible!!! He couldn't even be bothered to lie.[/quote]
That was half my point, yes! I said we don't take on people who are so stupid they say that in an interview, and we don't take on people who lack integrity to that degree.

TossCointoYerWitcher · 08/12/2020 23:39

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Completely ignoring the fact the question op asked is irrelevant to you, telling us all that you do more than the bare minimum for your kids and passively aggressively suggesting its not all men (even though op never implied it was)?

Sorry, but I read the title "How long did it take for your ex... To quit work or go self employed once they started paying child maintenance??" to be passively-aggressively suggesting that such behaviour was par-for-course amongst men, much like asking "How long did it take your stone to hit the water when you dropped it off a bridge".

I'm aware alot of men are rubbish. My dad was one, and though he's contrite about it now and desperate to make up for sins past, my mum's experience did ingrain into me that I should damn well try harder. I can't claim to be "great". I'm only human. But I honestly try to up my game as much as I can and take responsibility when I fall short. So, when you do all that but still get met with eyerolls and paint brush's tarring you as "men, your all the same!" then, yes, it can provoke a reaction. I just want to scream "some of us are trying dammit!" I just don't want to be judged on my gender, much the same as you likely don't. So when I see blanket statements being made, I want to make people aware of that. It's not about me saying "Hey! Aren't I great?!"

But you're right, this isn't the thread now and it's not helping to answer the OP's question, so I'll butt out.

Sakurami · 08/12/2020 23:44

I know a lot of great single dads who pay their fair share or above but my ex has never paid a penny despite earning well. I had to restart a career and earned 1/10th of what he does but I have my integrity and the kids know he never pays. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night and the kids in future will see their father through different eyes even if they don't now.

user1481840227 · 09/12/2020 00:41

some of us continued to pay up, almost £1000 a month following full declaration of all income to the authorities, for 16 years even though she was the one who had the affairs and broke up the family

They were still your kids and a fathers responsibility to provide for his children isn't dependent on the mother being faithful to him!!

To the OP.
My ex quit his job as soon as I ended it with him. He didn't do it to avoid paying maintenance though, he just went into full meltdown mode.
It took maybe 3 years or so for him to start paying maintenance after that!

2020wish · 09/12/2020 01:14

When I was with my daughters dad he was on a very good income. When I left him and cma calculated his monthly payments he walked out of work a few months later . It’s now been nearly 6 years and he has never paid me a penny and continues to stay jobless as it doesn’t benefit him now working as he gets his rent paid for him (his words)

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/12/2020 07:40

Sorry, but I read the title "How long did it take for your ex... To quit work or go self employed once they started paying child maintenance??" to be passively-aggressively suggesting that such behaviour was par-for-course amongst men

It is extremely common. Op never implied everyone did it though.

I'm so sorry to feel that you get judged on your gender. That has to be unimaginably difficult for you Confused

Pebbledashery · 09/12/2020 08:32

@TossCointoYerWitcher thank you for detailing the thread.
You will see I wasn't even gender specific.. And I didn't imply that ALL men were the same.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 09/12/2020 08:33

Derailing even.

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 09/12/2020 09:01

My step kids mum quit her job and is now listed as the director of two companies but doesn't pay a penny to him. It took two years. She does however seem to manage to pay for trips to Florida for four weeks every summer.

@TossCointoYerWitcher there's nothing wrong with pointing out it isn't all men. MN is a bitter place at times.

slipperywhensparticus · 09/12/2020 09:12

We know it isn't all men just like not all women cheat

Ex number 1 lost his job within a month then got married became her carer they had 3 kids together he got another job 8 yesrs later left when child support found out

Ex number 2 left his job was self employed claimed he earned £1000 per week paid me nothing told everyone I was bleeding him dry I finally went to cmo get less than £7 a week for them he even bragged on the divorce papers he pays that (they then ruled he had to contribute to the divorce) so while not all men are like this it would seem a disproportionate are

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