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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I a mean sister or is she just a cow

12 replies

sabrina1234 · 08/12/2020 17:56

So my sister has IBS and we think she may have undiagnosed endometriosis. I feel as though she uses this as an excuse to get out of chores and to treat everyone like shit. over the past few years she has become more and more stubborn. It all started when I told her to make sure she turns radiator off as she left it on one day and left the house, during this conversation she tells me to shutup and I tell her not to speak to me like that. She ignored me for 3/4 months straight after this and didn't do any housework at all as some sort of rebellion I'm guessing. We made up after this, which meant I apologised even though I did nothing wrong but I just hate the tension so I put it behind me.
However, ever since this instance I think she has liked how she got away with not pitching in with housework. She moved out for uni for a while and things at home were nice and peaceful for all of us. She comes back and honestly it's been hell for everyone. She continues to refuse to do any housework at all, even me asking her to pick up her OWN things is an issue and she will ignore me for a couple of days. She always complains there is nothing to eat at home when we have the luxury of being able to decide what we get to eat everyday. This leads to my mum feeling pressured and feeling like she has to cook for her when she comes back from a hard day at work(bearing in mind my mum works as a cleaner). The other day my mum cooked 3 dishes for her which took a lot of time and effort and what does my sister reply with? "There's nothing to eat" and she states that the food my mum makes gives her heartburn, yet an hour later she orders a takeaway?. Following this she ignores my mum for 3 days. I feel like she has become way too spoilt and it angers me that she gets away with so much and it's just becoming ridiculous now.
She always makes excuses as soon as it's time to help with cleaning, and makes me feel like a villain when i only ask to HELP or just pick up after HERSELF. It's always "I'm ill", yet she's perfectly okay when we go on a 3 hour shopping spree or when she wants to go see her boyfriend.
Speaking of shopping, she is a student right now, and I have recently graduated. She has more money than me and my mum put together yet whenever we go out it's always my mum paying for whatever she wants. My mum feels like she has to get her things because my sister is "ill" and says she doesn't want my sister saying that she does nothing for her. Which she does anyway. Me and my sister were having a conversation once and she mentioned being children. I told her we are in our 20s we can pay for everything ourselves. She just continues to be ungreatful, talk to everyone like shit. My mum rants to me saying she's upset about how she treats her and it's gotten to the point where I don't want to hear it. She needs to stop letting my sister walk all over her. We all Do to be honest. It is really making me frustrated and I feel like I have alot of built up anger at this point. I just feel helpless, I ask nicely, still get ignored or told I'm heartless and that I don't care about her illness. She always makes us feel like we don't do anything for her yet we.all try our best. I think at this point she's just manipulating everyone with her illness. I think that I'm being too harsh sometimes but there are people who are in way more serious conditions that still manage to at least pick up after themselves.

OP posts:
Needahug72 · 08/12/2020 18:49

Assuming from your post you are the older sister?

You need to step back and stop trying to be her parent, if your mum has an issue with the lack of housework or picking up after herself that your sister is doing she needs to take it up with her and you need to butt out.

Tell your mum to stop ranting to you about it if she is not going to say anything to your sister herself she is putting you in the position of making your sister angry.

All of this does not mean your sister is not lazy and she should be helping with the housework and picking up after herself but that is your mums battle not yours.

wheelywheelynice · 08/12/2020 20:40

You're not mean and she's a cow

WinterWhore · 08/12/2020 22:19

Shes a spiteful little brat.

SimplyRadishing · 08/12/2020 23:02

Flowers for you.
Your sister is a dick

MadameBlobby · 08/12/2020 23:04

She’s a bitch.

Can you get your own place?

Oreservoir · 08/12/2020 23:08

Pick her clothes up for a few weeks and just hide them
Get your own food and ignore her.
If she rants just walk away.
Don't engage with the crazy drama queen.

Yetaga · 08/12/2020 23:13

I have IBS and endometriosis. I also have 5 DC, care for my partner and elderly father who is undergoing intense chemo. She's taking the piss but your parents are enabling her

sabrina1234 · 08/12/2020 23:27

THANK YOU. I'm a nurse and I've seen people in bad conditions do more than her, she's young and is capable, it's just pure ignorance. There's only a 3 year gap between us but she acts like a child. However she's always made me feel evil for asking to do the most simplest things. I feel guilty asking and as if I'm not a caring enough sister.

OP posts:
sabrina1234 · 08/12/2020 23:29

I've only just graduated so I'm still saving to move out , I'd rather save for a mortgage than pay the same amount each month for rent

OP posts:
Yetaga · 08/12/2020 23:30

Maybe time to move out and let your parents deal with what they've allowed to happen

Inpeace · 09/12/2020 08:18

You had a pattern going on there that is unacceptable and I can see why it winds you up.

However

Your first reply here from needahug72 was spot on imo.

Also

Your sister sounds lazy yes and self cantered.

Be careful that your mum is not manipulating you into feeling this is your problem to sort out.

Your sister is a human being who is perhaps worried about her health.

Is she taking care of her health - the responsibility for that is hers. Is she perusing diagnoses, taking care of her health mental and physical, taking meds as directed by the doctor? That is her responsibility and as a nurse you could - when she raises her health issues - gently encourage her to look after her health sympathise if she feels unwell etc. the jobs are a separate thing.

As for the attitude well clearly she can afford takeaway and that is her choice step out of it what she decides to do about food and your mum should too.

If she leaves stuff around and it bothers people collect it up and place it somewhere in her space so she can put it away ‘when she feels up to it’.

It won’t help your relationships to try to join forces with your mum - you are in danger of sounding like a bully even if it comes from good intentions.

Your job is to be a sister to your sister and a daughter to your mother. And a responsible adult for yourself.

Redlocks28 · 09/12/2020 08:22

@sabrina1234

I've only just graduated so I'm still saving to move out , I'd rather save for a mortgage than pay the same amount each month for rent
How long is that going to take though? If you’re saving for a deposit, how many years would you have to stay in this toxic situation?
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