Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

BIL and Xmas

15 replies

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 08/12/2020 17:16

So agreed to go to MILs for Xmas day as BIL was not going. Now found out he will be there too.

Husband tolerates BIL, I cannot stand him at all. He is a misogynistic bell end.

Anyway, question is can you help me with conversation cutting in a non-rude way because normally you can see on my face that he's been a complete dick and I'm rubbish at hiding it.

We've already agreed to arrive at 11.30 and leave at 2pm (husband has to pick up DSS) so have cut this as short as possible.

I don't want to ruin Christmas. Do I just bite my tongue hard and sew it back together when I get home.

OP posts:
Afishcalledwonderful · 08/12/2020 17:23

I would say for the sake of 2.5 hours on Christmas Day in someone else's home, grin and bear it. Try and keep out of his way as much as possible/help in kitchen or whatever. Sounds tedious tho - good luck X

Justmuddlingalong · 08/12/2020 17:27

I find a tut says it all. And don't deny tutting if he challenges you.

BeyondMyWits · 08/12/2020 17:33

Household bubbles - 3 households. Would say sorry, don't want him in mine and just not go if he is there. But I gave up giving a fuck about family dramas and complete twats do not figure in my social circle any more. Life is much nicer.

By the way... you would not be ruining Christmas - he is ruining yours - and he is ruining it now - because you are having to give him all this head space.

Why is that all right?

category12 · 08/12/2020 18:22

I'd say you've decided to Christmas at home and you'll see them Boxing Day instead.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 08/12/2020 18:39

@BeyondMyWits I had as well but we all thought he'd be working (long story but used to work with my husband until my husband was made redundant and we thought he'd have to pick his Xmas day up as in hospitality) so now he isn't mil felt she had to invite bil and wife (who doesn't speak English, although is very sweet - poor girl).

If husband didn't feel bad about not going we wouldn't so I'm going to suck it up this year and from next only ever have Christmas Day at home. I'm too old for this shit.

@Justmuddlingalong I'll practise the tut. Might add in an eye roll for special effect 😂

@Afishcalledwonderful unfortunately they have the smallest kitchen in the world and wouldn't let me help if I wanted to (pils are lovely), so I would say I'll just get pissed on mulled wine instead but I can't drink due to my meds sadly 😂

Tut and eye roll it is, and if he gets really out of hand I think I'll excuse myself as soon as practicable.

OP posts:
GemmeFatale · 08/12/2020 19:17

I’d not go. They invited you to a meal without BIL. Now they are changing the invite. They won’t be alone. Your husband can go without you or you can both visit at a different time over the festive season.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 09/12/2020 07:20

@GemmeFatale my husband won't go without me, and he thinks we should. Now we've agreed to have Christmas at home from next year I'm sure I can bite my tongue for 2.5 hours.

MIL won't have meant any malice, she just would not have thought.

OP posts:
NiceandCalm · 09/12/2020 08:12

I'd have fun with this - I'd nonplus him. Agree with everything he says, laugh a lot and smile til your face aches! I used to do this with my miserable (now ex) bil. Ex and I would also have a secret word/phase bingo going on. Far better than getting wound up.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 09/12/2020 08:42

@NiceandCalm 🤣 word bingo. We do 'phrase' bingo. Yes. Definitely need to do that this year.

We normally place bets on how long it will be before a certain phrase is used too.

You're right.

OP posts:
LadyFoxtrot · 09/12/2020 08:56

I once hated a friends boyfriend- he was a one-upper, everything you had done, he had done better, and you might as well not have bothered. He also loved to patronise, his favourite phrase was ‘if that works for you I guess, I personally have higher standards.’

Me and my then-boyfriend thoroughly disliked him and my friend knew it. She invited us over for drinks, I declined, she said her boyfriend wasn’t going to be there, I accepted. We show up and guess what... she told me at the time it was a change of plans, but later said she lied to get me there.

Anyway. I’m very frustrated, and while we are alone, my boyfriend boyfriend and I agreed to start counting out the dickish behaviour out loud. Anytime friends boyfriend (FB) said something twattish, one of us would say ‘that’s two’ or ‘that’s three’ to the other. The longer this went on, the funnier it got (as far as we were concerned) and the more obvious it became what we were counting. By the time we hit fourteen we were both stifling giggles and the wind was right out of FB’s sails. He was suitably mollified and pretty much stopped talking.

We both felt a bit stupid on the way home, and wondered if we’d taken it too far (we were early twenties) but it was a reaction to my friend tricking us into it, and I couldn’t bring myself to feel too bad. Within a few months, friend and FB split anyway and that was it.

Two years later I ran into FB in a bar and he apologised for being a twat! Said he had a lot of insecurity issues that manifested in showing off, and he hadn’t realised how badly it came across until that night. I told him I felt it was very immature of me, but he said it opened his eyes. He was actually a pretty nice guy!

Anyway, long winded way of saying, maybe you could try the counting game! Depends how at the end of your tether you are though, as I really did feel like a bit of a dick after, but it worked a treat.

WelliesWithHeels · 09/12/2020 09:10

OP, is there any way you can spend time with the nice SIL despite the language barrier? Something diverting like a puzzle or such? Poor her being married to such a boor!
I also love PP's suggestion of having a mental bingo game or counting game going and then laughing over it later.
My personal trick for silently persevering is internally rolling my eyes a la my favorite GIF: the Duchess of Cambridge was on a visit to the US and some worker at a school barked at her to "KEEP WRAPPING!" and she gave the best side eye/eye roll combo ever. I channel that energy quite a bit.

purpleboy · 09/12/2020 09:24

Faux innocence, smile, ask him to explain everything he is saying.
'What do you mean'
'I don't understand'
It will soon shut him up as he starts stuttering, looking like a twat.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 09/12/2020 09:43

@purpleboy honestly it won't. He is oblivious. I mean I can hold my own but there have been times when my fil and husband have stepped in to tell him to wind his neck in because he's got way too personal. Sad really because he's only alienating himself.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 09/12/2020 11:06

Oh dear! Then it's going to be a stressful day for you! Don't envy you at all.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 09/12/2020 11:38

2.5 hours and then it'll all be over. If I could get drunk it would be easier 😂

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page