Don’t want to mess this one up - insecurity tips?

[ladybug67]

Hi!

I’m 24 and I’ve been quite unlucky on the dating scene recently, went through a big break up at the start of the year which was devastating. A few months ago I attempted online dating, and I didn’t have much luck in the sense of I’d be chatting to someone and they’d suddenly ghost or generally act like arseholes. Didn’t particularly make me feel confident and had a bit of a break from it. I’ve been working on myself and building my friendships which has been fab.

A few weeks ago I rejoined hinge and got chatting to a lovely man. Extremely my type, very attractive and we hit it off straight away. We have a very similar sense of humour and interests and I don’t have a bad thing to say so far!!
The other day, he leaves me a voice note asking if I want to go on a date and it was really sweet. He then says out of the blue in the middle of a conversation “I’ve seen a Christmas market I would love to attend with you”. Felt great cos the last few men I spoke to made literally no effort to try and see me!! And yesterday he sent a jokey but cute text saying “oi, is it really soppy for me to say that I’m actually really looking forward to going on a date with you?!” Anyway I’m feeling really excited and chatting to him just flows!!!

However, I am quite an insecure person and have some niggles that I know are going to sound really silly and I really don’t want to mess this up!!!! For example we haven’t arranged a date yet as he said he doesn’t know what days he’s working yet and will let me know as soon as he knows (which is completely fine but my little irrational bit in my brain worries he doesn’t want to see me, even though he suggested it?! Silly right).
We also speak each morning and he texts during work but this morning I have heard nothing at all (I texted at 11) and I know he started work at 10. Again, I know I’m being really silly bearing in mind I haven’t even met the guy yet, but I do worry about little things.

I don’t need reassurance as I know I’m being silly - I’m sort of looking for tips to stop being so insecure and worrying about things that really don’t need to be worried about? And how I can not mess this up for myself!!! Thanks :)

Oh god you sound like me years ago and it's torture. Do you know anything about attachment styles? I would recommend looking up anxious attachment as it sounds like you might have it. Try not to pin all your hopes on this one guy either - from my experience in OLD, some men I've had great chats with over text turn out to be dull IRL and vice versa. You seem to have built this up in your head already (I have also been guilty of this) but try to stay grounded in reality - you don't actually know this guy yet

The only way to feel less insecure in all aspects of life is to simply care less.

In this specific case: if something happens and he goes on to become the love of your life and you live happily ever after, then great.

But if nothing comes of it then it's not really a big deal - other men are available.

I don't want to burst your bubble as this sounds really cute but I think you need to be careful getting too attached to someone you haven't met yet. I wouldnt want to be messaging someone I hadn't even met every day, several times throughout the day when the first date wasnt even in sight. Let alone be at the point where if there wasn't a good morning message, I felt insecure and sad.

Be aware of things like 'love bombing'. Just incase.

But remember, the date is not an audition for you. It's an audition for him. You know you are a good person with a lot to give: but he could be anyone. Try not to worry what he thinks about you, all you can do is be you, not everyone is well matched, hakuna matata. But so far he seems keen! :)

The only way to feel less insecure in all aspects of life is to simply care less.

This! In my very extensive experience this is typical love bombing then ghosting behaviour. He might be totally genuine but I'd not get too invested. Remember you're feelings are based on who he's telling you he is, it could be far from the reality so don't get too invested at this stage.

oh gawd, we've all been there Op, I spent years on the dating scene and hated it, we overthink everything, keep yourself busy, date or chat to more than one guy then you can be cool with the one you like and like a others have said, don't get too attached too soon. I swore by the rules book when I was online dating, omg, it's amazing, it's hard when you meet a guy you really like, but worth taking on board, to a degree, I'd definitely recommend it.

www.amazon.co.uk/New-Rules-digital-generation-bestselling-ebook/dp/B008K5T2P6/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=the+rules&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1607504303&sr=8-2

Do not overinvest, you haven't even been on one date yet.

I recommend the dating thread on the relationship board

You haven't even got a date arranged. You're too invested.

If he was that excited he'd have agreed a time and place for your date already.

I understand, I'm a little like this, have got better over the years.
My partner. Sorry ex😞is unfortunately quiet a lot like this and it's recently ruined us. A simple misunderstanding last week resulted in him not showing up as planned and has currently sulked with me since when I got cross and upset
It's very hard, can go one way of you let it and other if you let it control you.
It all sounds positive so good luck!

This was me when I was doing OLD for years. I would click with someone really well via messages and I would become really attached and think he was the most amazing person I’d ever spoken to etc. Most of the first dates with these guys ended up being so disappointing as I’d put so much pressure on it all in my head to work out and be perfect.

When I first started speaking to DP online I tried to keep things a bit less intense to start with. We would only message once or twice a day and I kept myself very busy and distracted so I wasn’t checking my phone constantly and feeling insecure about why he hadnt messaged. I also insisted on our first date being within 2 weeks of us first chatting as I wanted to make sure I wasn’t wasting my time getting my hopes up with someone who would end up being a huge disappointment.
It wasn’t until I had been on at least 5 dates with him and knew our feelings were really genuine that we started to ramp up the intensity a bit.

I think you have spent too much time messaging with this man to have not arranged a meeting yet and actually I do not think it is silly to be concerned that he might not want to see you. My understanding of online dating is that it is best to get on to the actual dating fairly soon after the initial contact.