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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Middle-aged crush

11 replies

artisanmarsbar · 08/12/2020 00:20

I've been in a rubbish relationship for a long time and developed a distant crush, on a single dad who lives in my area, over a few years. He always looked at me pretty intensly too - from afar. Then I found a reason to chat to him earlier this year, and we always spoke for a long time if we saw each other in the park/local shops, he always talked of his ex but I was still in a relationship 'officially' so couldn't say the word ex. But now I'm single, it's been a hard six months dealing with the break up. Its early days post seperation but I'd like to get to know this guy, I have zero interest in dating anyone else. Even though we only chat about everyday stuff and it all feels very delicate.
The thing is - the last few times we've crossed paths, he's been with his dc, and he's clearly blanked me. Head down.

But like I said, it all feels a bit fragile. It suddenly feels one-sided and just me initiating contact. And I wonder if I've imagined the whole thing. My history like most of us is feeling attraction when it's mutual so I'm confused. I would always give him a smile/hello if I passed him whoever I was with. My question is, how do people get over these crushes? Has anyone had experience of this? If I say something blunt then I feel stalk-y. Maybe he isn't at all interested. He told me one time he confuses reality and fantasy (!) It did feel like he was treated me like someone he had an affair with when he blanked me - yet we've only chatted when we bumped into each other. Maybe I just need to grow up and stop being a teenager? I feel a bit embarressed to have such strong feelings for someone I haven't actually dated!

OP posts:
Febo24 · 08/12/2020 07:15

I'm going to watch your thread with interest. I'm fresh out of my relationship and have been talking to a single dad on the school run. Lots of eye contact, extended chats and I definitely fancy him. Part of me is keen to try and get to the point where we exchange phone numbers, but I'm also thinking that is fine if this doesn't happen too soon as I'd basically crap myself if we did.

And my self esteem has taken a battering with my ex. What if this is all in my head?

But I'm aware that the two of us combined must have a hell of a lot of baggage. I'm fresh out of my relationship, which he knows about. I don't know his situation exactly, but his ex isn't in the picture except for holidays.

Having kids complicates things incredibly. At the end of the day, they come first and it's possible your fella has a lot on, I know there are days where my head is so full of kids/ex/pandemic stress that I keep my head down.

Do you have kids? I'm asking more to see if there is common ground.

You might need to be patient, things will be slower and more difficult when dating a single parent.

category12 · 08/12/2020 08:19

He told me one time he confuses reality and fantasy (!)

On that basis, I'd leave him the heck alone. Hmm

You get over crushes by not feeding them, I think.

TossCointoYerWitcher · 08/12/2020 08:59

Does he even know your now single? If not, he might be purposely avoiding eye contact because he doesn’t want to appear to be chatting up a taken woman!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 09:23

Have you posted about this before? I only ask as it sounds remarkably similar to someone who has posted a few times about their crush but the man was married.

huuskymam · 08/12/2020 09:26

So he won't even give you a polite hello when he's with his children, I'd be letting this one sail, sounds very suspicious to me.

artisanmarsbar · 08/12/2020 11:37

Thank you everyone. Helpful. It's hard to discuss this in RL as I just sound like a teenager and I'm describing feelings or hunches so it's tricky.

Yes, I'm also a parent. No, I've not posted about this guy. I think he now knows I'm single but I'm not 100% He is definately not with his ex.

I veer between @Febo24 and @TossCointoYerWitcherthink- it's complicated, he'd have been stressed when he saw me, kids come first, maybe don't expect a hello or smile or nod if he's busy. And maybe it's just very one-sided on my part?

But then veer towards @huuskymam and @category12 - there are various red flags. Not least him not acknowledging me. He also would've found out my age recently and I'm probably older than he realised. Not a flag but we're just complete opposites in everything, personality etc Another red flag is he looks kindof annoyed if I mention my ds. But then I think - am I imagining that?

I'm very strongly attracted to him and also just really enjoy chatting with him. And my gut feeling has always been that it's mutual. But for all I know he gives off this vibe to lots of women. Everything feels too heightened around him, maybe it's because he hasn't known I'm single but I don't feel like he's able to make a stand and be open to wanting to get to know me.

I think I need to internally 'let him sail' but I'm finding it really difficult. Bizarely more difficult than ending it with my ex of many years! But then fantasy may be harder to let go of than real life.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 11:58

The thing is - the last few times we've crossed paths, he's been with his dc, and he's clearly blanked me. Head down.

Another red flag is he looks kindof annoyed if I mention my ds. But then I think - am I imagining that?

He told me one time he confuses reality and fantasy (!)

OP it sounds like you fancy this guy, he's chatted to you a bit and you've read into that he's really into you but now you're realising it wasn't anything much.

But because you built it up in your head it feels like you're losing something. You aren't!

You barely know him and he's given no indication he wants to date you, you're not 100% sure if he's single and based on the stuff above that you said in your previous posts he doesn't sound great!

Time to move on.

artisanmarsbar · 08/12/2020 14:29

Bad writing on my part - he is def single, I'm just not fully sure he knows I am.

But yes, I think you're right -I have built it up in my head, which feels quite childish now. It is time to move on but I'm finding it painful.

OP posts:
Diddlysquatty · 08/12/2020 14:32

Could be that he’s gone weird now he knows you’re single
Could be that he’s gone weird because he’s now not single?
Could be that he’s gone weird because someone else/his kids made a comment about you two?
Could be that he didn’t go weird and he was otherwise preoccupied that day?

Dozer · 08/12/2020 14:38

Doesn’t really matter why he’s now behaving oddly, you’ve mentioned a number of reasons dating him would be a bad plan!

Just keep the crush in proportion and focus on other things.

Febo24 · 08/12/2020 18:40

I do think that it's a good point to recalibrate. There could be myriad reasons why it happened and with no context for us or even you, then we may never know what happened. Which is a timely reminder to you that really you don't know him and so you may need to look at the reasons why you're placing so much into this.

I get it, I really do. It's like you have love to give and (aside from kids) no one to give it to.

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