It’s been 6 years, why do I still think about him almost daily?

[Sausagefingers999]

I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want it connected to potentially outing posts I’ve made previously.

I was with a guy for almost 10 years until one night I got really drunk and cheated on him. I have absolutely no idea why I cheated. Life was good, we were happy but I decided the right thing to do was to end the relationship.

6 years on, I still can’t get over him. I still think about him daily and I miss him so much. A friend said to me a few weeks ago that she thought it was because I was grieving for my dad who died about 8 months before and always though that we’d get back together. This was something I’d questioned myself previously but thought I was just making excuses for cheating so ruled it out.

I know there is no way back as it would never be the same, so I need to learn to let it go.

I know I did wrong and that it’s my own fault but surely I don’t deserve to be unhappy for the rest of my life because of one mistake?
How do I make myself let it all go?

From a purely armchair psychologist perspective, maybe this is both your grief from the loss of the relationship and guilt from the circumstances of how it ended? Have you ever attempted any counselling? (I know it's not a miracle cure but sometimes talking things out can help).

I wouldn't try approaching him or rekindling anything until you're sure that you actually want him, rather than your brain associating certain feelings with what happened (and even then maybe not getting in contact would be the best thing to do). Sorry, that might not be the most helpful. All the best. x

Did he know you cheated? Do you know what he is doing now? Maybe it isn't too late?

Oh OP that's so sad.

To ease your mind slightly, I would say I think of my ex from same time as yours at least 3/4 times a day, often more. I left him, am now happily married and pregnant and it was absolutely the right decision, but when someone was such a big part of your life, I suppose it will always pop into your mind from time to time.

Yours sounds more emotional though, and I do think potentially has something to do with your DF passing. Sounds like you've been through the ringer.

Did you get closure on the relationship? Did you have that final conversation?

This isn’t about making contact with him or rekindling what we had, he has moved on with someone else now and is happy. I ruined his life once, I wouldn’t want to interfere with the happiness he has found for himself again.

I just thought after this long I’d have worked out why I cheated. I do wonder if it’s that unanswered question which means I can’t let go of the guilt?

We met at 16 and was together until we were 26. It was such a significant period of my life, I am who I am because of him. He was the man I wanted to marry and have kids with. I know I’ve done this to myself but I just can’t work out why?!

A list of questions I think might be useful for you to honestly ask yourself (no need to reply on here if not comfortable, but might be good to think about it)

Are you naturally self destructive?

Did you think you were in love / had feelings for the other man?

Were you bored of the relationship?

Were you scared of "the next step" of marriage and kids?

Did you think you could do better?

Did he have traits that you couldn't cope with?

Were you having problems with your self esteem or identity?

Were you sexually or romantically unsatisfied?

Did you feel peer pressured or obligated to do it? (e.g. on a night out)

Did you want to hurt him?

Was it revenge for anything?

Genuinely I've found that when you clear out the dust and cobwebs and get into the nitty gritty of the worst parts of your personality (the parts you try and hide where you're vengeful or selfish or cruel) then that's when you can try and build yourself up. Not by any means suggesting you ARE these things, but it's always good to try and get into your psyche especially if your brain keeps running over this again and again because there's usually a reason for it. Asking yourself the questions and listening to the answers is the first step, aside from counselling (though that is a key part of counselling too!)