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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Narcissistic dad - why is he calling me?

24 replies

Whycallnow · 07/12/2020 14:28

I ‘m pretty sure my dad is a narcissist / sociopath. He has no empathy, no conscience, and is a nasty bully who hates women. He told me at my mothers funeral that he didn’t want to see me again. I am not bothered, now my mum has gone I don’t feel like I need to see him. (She was his enabler, and had a nasty side herself, but this was generally to ensure we forgave my dad and equilibrium was restored.)

There’s a whole backstory of awful behaviour on his behalf, and the end of our relationship has been death by a thousand cuts as I have forgiven each time and he has never apologised. I'm sure I sound nonplussed, but I have actually been incredibly hurt over the years and am trying to move on.

Fast forward to now, 6 months after the funeral, he has a new girlfriend and has started calling me, can anyone explain why he is ringing? I haven’t answered and my brother said he still hates me, so I just don’t understand.

I would also welcome any advice on how to grieve and move on with my life.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2020 14:42

Maintain radio silence with your dad.

What he is doing is called hoovering behaviour and is designed to drag you back into their dysfunctional world. Do not fall for such attempts. This contact from him is unwanted.

Its also designed to push you to breaking point, to get what they want from you, whatever that may be, and to maintain the control and is the ultimate manipulation into forcing you into reconnecting.

TirisfalPumpkin · 07/12/2020 14:49

If narc - has new girlfriend, is having to behave like a normal human to keep her around, needs someone to pick on and demean. Have you considered blocking his number?

Original poster

Whycallnow · 07/12/2020 14:53

Hi Attila, thanks for replying, I thought it wasn't good, I just don't understand why he's called when he obviously hates me.

I'd also struggling to come to terms with the situation, I go through my head justifying my side of the story, but I know my side doesn't matter, his side is just lies, but people believe him. He twists a situation and protracts, but the starting point has enough truth to give an element of doubt that he could be telling the truth, I hope that makes sense?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whycallnow · 07/12/2020 14:54

Hi Pumpkin, I think I should block his number, my brother is very similar to him, and I eventually blocked and feel so much happier

OP posts:

Original poster

Whycallnow · 07/12/2020 14:57

By making contact with me for his new girlfriend doesn't he risk me spilling all?

OP posts:

Alys20 · 07/12/2020 15:01

He's possibly trying to impress the new gf, but honestly who gives a shit?!

What he said to you is absolutely vile and unforgivable, please don't waste energy on him or let self-doubt creep in.

Don't let it creep in and hamper your moving-on process, sounds like you are doing really well.

In terms of advice and dealing with it, well this is my experience. There will be no happy reunion, sudden dawning of enlightenment on his part, nor will he ever be reasonable, nor will he give you an apology. These people really are toxic, they never change and IME often get worse with age. I've found the slightest interaction with the narc can set me back weeks. Grey rock takes constant effort but when you are in a place where you are not questioning yourself any more, that's a good sign.

GreenlandTheMovie · 07/12/2020 15:03

To impress his new girlfriend.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2020 15:15

Its to impress the girlfriend along with an attempt at regaining his control over you as he has lost it by you having no contact with him. Do block all his ways of being able to contact you.

Abusers as well can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.
She will be on the receiving end of his idolise, devalue and discard cycle soon enough.

LindaEllen · 07/12/2020 15:19

Ignore him. I assume he knows your address, so if he has anything that you need to know (i.e. he's dying or has a genetic condition that you need to be aware of) he can write you a letter.

I would also consider changing your phone number if you can.

Original poster

Whycallnow · 07/12/2020 15:25

But how does he think it will impress his new girlfriend? Surely he's already told her we have no contact?

Will he was being vile to me as my mother died, I was diagnosed with early breast cancer, and had several operations plus radiotherapy. At the time he didn't care, likened it to him having a polyp removed, but now seems to want an update. I was undergoing radiotherapy when I attended my mothers funeral and he said he didn't want to see me again, so obviously not concerned then. I guess his sudden concern is to get sympathy from his gf?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whycallnow · 07/12/2020 15:25

I will block him, think this will help

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2020 15:28

I doubt he has told her that you have no contact with him.

He wants to make your health issues all about him and how "concerned" he is for you. Its also being done by him to gain sympathy from his girlfriend.

LilyLongJohn · 07/12/2020 15:29

You forget that he will have fabricated an entire life story to fit an image he wants to portray to his new gf. I bet being the loving father is a staring role for him. You of course will be the ungrateful child who he's never given up on, hence him reaching out to you. To show his new gf what a wonderful human he is, still wanting contact with his abusive daughter.

Don't get dragged back into his bullshit story, block and forget.

Original poster

Whycallnow · 07/12/2020 21:59

I hadn't thought that he'd fabricate a life story, of course he will. Thanks, I can see what's in it for him now, have blocked as I realise it won't change.

I am really struggling with moving on. Calls like this don't help obviously but I haven't had any other contact since May and it's still swirling round in my mind constantly. Are there any techniques that can help me move on, or is it a case of giving it enough time?

OP posts:

LilyLongJohn · 08/12/2020 07:38

Have you thought about talking it all through with a councillor? Might help out it all to bed inside your head.

Pippin2028 · 08/12/2020 10:21

Also in the run up to Christmas people do come out and get in touch, usually when they want an invite or to invite you to theirs to show Happy families or make up the numbers.

Bunnymumy · 08/12/2020 10:31

I would bet mostly because christmas is coming and narcissists can't bare the thought of us thinking about anything apart from them. He wants you to be feeling lonely and abandoned by him so that you cant enjoy your Christmas. He cant bare the idea that this year, you might not spare him a second thought.

Secondly as pp said, he may currently need a scapegoat as he is currently having to play nice with his gf.

And thirdly, although he told you he was done with you, he expected you to not be ok with that. He expected you to chase after him. And now it's clear you won't, he is attempting to hoover you back.

If I were you I would block him on everything asap.

52andblue · 08/12/2020 10:39

OP,

he wants to appear to be a 'good parent' in front of new girlfriend.
He wants her sympathy when 'it all goes wrong' (which he will ensure it does.
He needs someone to poke at.

Sparklfairy · 08/12/2020 10:42

As someone with a narc dad too, I can assure you that he is ONLY contacting you because it in some way directly benefits him.

It could be he wants something, or possibly wants to look good in front of his girlfriend, but I can say with absolute certainty that he wouldn't bother if there wasn't something in it for him i.e. the goodness of his heart or wanting to build bridges.

Mine plays stupid games like this all the time. Only one of his five children are regularly in touch with him, speaks volumes really.

Original poster

Whycallnow · 08/12/2020 11:10

I find it so hard to decipher as I just don't think like that, I just couldn't see what was in it for him, can now though. I have blocked him. Poor gf, hope she realises what he's like quickly, when you're in your mid 70s you don't want to be wasting time on a relationship like that!

OP posts:

ChonkyLamp · 08/12/2020 11:26

My bet would be that she has heard about your health problems (not necessarily from him). He will obviously have lied to her about why you're not in contact. However, whatever lies he has told probably don't seem sufficient reason to her for not contacting a daughter who is ill. Therefore he has to go through the motions of trying to contact you, in order not to seem like the heartless shitbag he is.

That's just a guess. And in the end, it doesn't actually matter why it is. The story always ends the same way, no matter what his twisted motivation. Keep on blocking (and block any flying monkeys as well). You deserve a life free from this crap.

tribpot · 08/12/2020 11:42

I agree, it will be some variation on:

wanting to look like he can maintain normal human relationships in front of his new victim
a dramatic backstory with him as the victim, struggling to deal with the fact you've cut him out of your life since your mum died, making heroic efforts to reach out to you, bewildered by your callous lack of response, blah blah blah
to trap you into being the Greek chorus in some drama involving him or her or both

I second the suggestion about counselling. None of this has anything to do with you, it's purely about what he's decided he's wanted. The reason is irrelevant. And that's why I find it so hard to decipher is a waste of your time and energy.

Rainbowshine · 08/12/2020 11:48

Watch out for your brother and the new partner being roped in as flying monkeys to assist his efforts to hoover you in to the vortex of narcissism and his awful game-playing nonsense. Maybe limit contact with your brother too.

tobedtoMNandfart · 08/12/2020 16:36

Wanted to express my sympathy. My F similar.
You have nothing to gain by allowing contact again.

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