Cheating in past relationships, trust issues

[Sandals19]

Long one, apologies.

I'm been seeing a man for the better part of a year now and am having increasing issues trusting him.

Background; I'm a single mum to teenagers, mid 30s. He's a couple of years younger, no kids. We live about 40mins apart, see each other a couple of times a week.

He's attractive, decent job, own home, pretty easy to get on with, good socially (most recent ex was the loud, laddy, boisterous type out socially; not my cup of tea, whereas he is friendly but quiet and not attention drawing). He gets on fine with kids. Ww didn't rush into (full) sex and it was worth it. We talked about what we were looking for from a relationship and he said he's looking for a serious relationship, to build towards marriage and hopefully children. I likewise said I wanted a serious relationship, would like to remarry and am open to having more kids (presuming I can). We've both said we're in love and he's done some really thoughtful, romantic things on occasions like birthday and Valentine's Day.

Early-ish in the relationship, there was a bit of a weird "revelation" when he said he needed to tell me something and then said he was feeling uncomfortable because I'd assumed he'd never been married and had made reference to it a couple of times; whereas he had actually been married for a short time when he was 24/25.
(It was to a foreign girlfriend whose visa status in the UK had been shaky. Their intention was to apply for spousal residence/leave to remain or whatever the right term is …. but for various reasons they didn't follow through on that and she found an alternative route to residence. She now lives in another part of the UK).
He said he pursued the divorce, with her cooperation, a while later because he was buying first home and didn't want complications from still being married.
I found the whole situation a little bit odd but it didn't put me off seeing him so the relationship continued.

Some time after that I found out (well he was quite upfront about it) that he'd cheated in that relationship. The cheating didn't seem to include sex (if he's been honest) but did involve sexual contact.
I was surprised (thought he was better than that) & uncomfortable, especially because he seemed to find it funny (!) when he was describing one situation. When I pointed that out; he said it was shit/not right, but just that that situation was farcical (his gf/wife arrived unannounced at his family home where the "ow" had visited him while he was dog sitting; ow realised, jumped out a (ground floor) window and left through a garden to avoid being seen).

I was very uncomfortable about the cheating and still got the impression he wasn't really very regretful or ashamed; but continued the relationship (probably against my better instincts) because I figured that it was a long time ago, he was young, the relationship was quite short (although they made it more significant by getting married), the marriage was not a "real" one, the ow was not exactly an angel or kept in the dark (she was another housemate of both of theirs) etc. etc.

I have since discovered that not only did he cheat in that relationship, but also in his previous relationship to ours (a six year one that ended about 9 months before we started seeing each other). It was some sort of flirtation/emotional affair, maybe sexting. He actually ended the relationship to get involved with the "ow" but it didn't work out after a couple of months, and then he and his ex got back together for a couple of years.
This now isn't a one-off when young and foolish; it's another example, only a couple of years ago; and I'm really wondering whether should I be trusting this guy and continuing this relationship. What's to stop him from doing the same to me.

When I told him I'm a bit freaked out by it, and that he seems to cheat/get involved with other people before he finishes relationships (recently as well as in his 20s), he said he had learned from it and he hadn't been involved with anyone when he and his ex finished a couple of years ago.

But I'm still left with a sense of unease/lack of trust. Leopards and all that …
He often goes out with friends etc on nights we're not seeing each other; I don't want to be sat at home, worrying about what he's getting up to. He also has a couple of female friends and is in contact with a couple of exes and I wonder about the potential there too.

(Should also add that I ended two previous relationships (of under a year) because I found out they had cheated on their spouses (well, one was behaviour around alcohol as well as the cheating) so I'd be lowering my standards to stay in this relationship).

He's got form for cheating and he cheated in his relationship before you?

Personally, I'd end it.

Two important details people are skirting over here OP: one, as you pointed out this isn’t a case of we “we all do silly things in our youth”. He cheated just a couple of years ago. And the reason it may not have worked out after is because of trust issues his partner had following his cheating - ie. she dumped him because the trust was gone. Reconciling successfully after infidelity is rarer than many think and those that try often throw in the towel eventually. So, ironically, his cheating could well have caused it to end second time around indirectly. And you have to ask, why hadn’t he learned from the first affair?

Second, his lack of contrition doesn’t exactly shout someone who has learned from their mistake. Most cheaters cheat because they feel entitled to often during difficult times in their lives. Again, understandable in an emotionally immature youth. Again, not so understandable in a mature adult who should have already learned from his mistake.

All I can say is I was with someone who was honest about a history of cheating. They weren’t a “player” - in fact to meet them you’d think them quite sweet, quiet and a chronic people pleaser. I figured we all do things we regret, that they had learned from the experience. Had they f*! They eventually cheated on me too.

Yes he cheated on his ex wife when he was 25 or so (though it was a short marriage, mostly visa related) with their housemate (they were all house mates). He said they didn't have sex but did have sexual contact. What struck me is that he seemed to focus on the comical/farcical side of almost getting caught with the "ow" while house sitting. There really wasn't any acknowledgement of it being wrong, until I pulled him on it and he said some relatively mildly regretful things.

I don't know about his relationships between that and his longterm one previous to me, but in that it's become
clear he had some kind of emotional affair (I think there was sexting too), ended it to go out with the ow, and then got back together with his ex when it didn't work out. Ow there sounds a bit odd from what he's said; but maybe she had understandable doubts about him given he was flirting with her, having a lot of communication, maybe sexting while in a relationship. He told me she said things like "I feel like you want to slot me into the hole your ex has left", implied that she felt uncomfortable about the overlap etc. She clearly had cold feet and he said she ended it by text after only a few meetings over a couple of months (they weren't based in the same town). I don't know why his ex got back together with him in those circumstances but she did until they finished going on a couple of years ago.

The cheating years ago was one thing and I continued the relationship even though it affected my opinion of him; but the cheating in his last relationship (most people would consider an emotional affair and sexting to be cheating) is only a few years ago and he would've been about 31 or older.

*incidentally he told me ow in his last relationship actually got in touch about a year later and said she regretted finishing it; but there wasn't a chance he was going there, he'd realised they weren't suited and was grateful his (now) ex had given things another chance.

In terms of what broke them up, sounds like a combination of things. He said she tended to arrive at his home in the early hours drunk, including when he had work the next day, which caused friction; and then did it during a noise dispute with his neighbour which really pissed him off and led to a period of them not seeing each other, which extended on and on, until they both sort of let it go (neither of them wanted to reconcile).

Should add she has actually contacted him a couple of times, including turning up at his house (drunk!) in the last year.

I agree that if you can't trust them,you damage the relationship to the point where it may well collapse anyway

I think it's better to say 'if you can't trust them, the relationship is damaged to the point where it will collapse anyway.'

If you don't trust your partner, it doesn't matter if it's because you wouldn't be able to trust anybody, or because your partner has been untrustworthy in the past. Either option means the relationship needs to end. The only difference is in what needs to be done afterwards (ie either you work on the fact that you can't trust anyone, or you work on only staying in a relationship where you feel trust)

@wimhoffbreather

If you can’t accept any cheating whatsoever at any point in a partners life, then end it. It will drive you nuts and you’ll keep questioning this man all the time.

For what it’s worth, I’m a bit like him - I’ve cheated in the past and been “young and stupid” but I grew up and realised my behaviour was not ok, and when I ended my last relationship there was no one else involved. I’d be very sad that someone I was dating would judge me for something I did many years ago - that I have now learned from, but if that’s your red line then it is what it is!

You're not like him at all

Did you not read the OP that he cheated in his most recent relationship, so not "young and foolish".

I don't buy the "Young and foolish" excuse anyway. We were all young once but most of us don't use it as an excuse to lie to and deceive people we're in a relationship with. People just say this to minimise their cheating and lying behaviour.

I don't buy the "Young and foolish" excuse anyway. We were all young once but most of us don't use it as an excuse to lie to and deceive people we're in a relationship with. People just say this to minimise their cheating and lying behaviour

No. I screwed up a good relationship with an affair in my 20s. It felt hideous, and I would never do it again because I learned that it felt horrible. If I was asked 'Have you ever had an affair?' I would say yes, but that wouldn't mean I was 'minimise my cheating and lying behaviour'.

Sometimes it's just the truth.

OP, don't let anyone make you feel you have trust issues. If it was me I would be running for the hills. It's a simple fact that the biggest predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. This isn't about any old annoying habit, it's about a key issue of him being faithful. Cheating is such a serious and fundamental issue in any relationship that it's not worth sticking with someone who has form in this area. Your whole post was concerning, including him finding his past cheating funny. Remember that a lot of people never find out that their "partner" is cheating on them and it's never been easier to cheat and to hide it. There's plenty of men out there who don't have a penchant for lying to and deceiving their partner in the worst possible way, who deserve your trust much more than this guy. If you stay with him, you'll almost certainly regret it, believe me.

@Rybvita well I said a bit, but according to you I’m a terrible person anyway so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just offering a point of view ☺️ You have a good day

I don't see why he would need to specifically point out that he's 'in a relationship' as these could be perfectly innocent situations and him saying 'no! I am in a relationship and that would be inappropriate' would frankly make him look like a complete twat who was a bit assumptive and up himself

Agreed, I didn't mean I necessarily expected him to shout "no, because I'm in a relationship" in response to his younger female friend offering him to share her tent, or his ex asking to stay in his house ... Just that being in a steady relationship and his partner's feelings didn't seem to factor into his reasons/thinking for not doing either.
It just seemed to be about space (in the tent) and his spare room being unavailable, like our relationship and my feelings were irrelevant. I doubt he'd be delighted if I was tent sharing with a younger male friend somewhere his family would see it, or I was having exes stay in my home overnight.

It's not necessarily about your partner thinking you would cheat; just that it would make your partner feel uncomfortable and why wouldn't you consider that.

like... my feelings were irrelevant

Do you not see that you are doing the same thing to your feelings, yourself? You are uncomfortable in this relationship, but you are trying to make that feeling not matter.

It's very uncomfortable when somebody tries to push your feelings aside, which is why you're so unsettled in a relationship with someone who is doing that. It's even more uncomfortable when you are doing it to yourself, too. Respect your feelings. A better life will follow.

I still maintain that it's off, for lack of a better word, that he didn't seem to consider how awkward/weird it would have been for my teenage kids to see a man they know as their mum's partner, who stays in their home, sometimes shares meals in their home etc. hanging around with and possibly tent sharing with a nearly ten years younger young woman (and her even younger sister) at their sport/hobby.

Sometimes I feel like he's happy to take the advantages of having a partner at the weekend (we sometimes see each other an evening mid week too) but wants to continue to act like a single man when it suits him.

His relationship with his ex, which seemed pretty on/off, shaky etc anyway, was strange to me; lots of separate nights out, separate breaks/holidays etc. even with it being 6 or more years long.

which is why you're so unsettled in a relationship with someone who is doing that.

Well he's said he regrets his behaviour in his relationship with the foreign ex, and that he ended his last relationship without anyone else involved.

He's said he didn't really consider tent sharing and was organising his own tent before abandoning the plan to attend (though still has said very little about the inappropriate-ness, just that it would have been cramped/unsuitable and she was only offering out of politeness).

He's said he wouldn't have been comfortable with ex staying at his overnight but just said about the spare room when out on the spot (when he first told me though he just mentioned the room and didn't imply he was uncomfortable).

So he's not disregarded my feelings when I raised them; but I feel like I shouldn't have had to have raised them.

Otherwise he's not usually inconsiderate, he's done some very thoughtful things and definitely has a caring side.

*when put on the spot

So you're not unsettled?