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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex contact please help

23 replies

Buzlightyear1 · 07/12/2020 13:46

Hi so it’s a bit of a long story but will try and make short .

I spilt up from ex almost 2 years ago our son will be 4 in January. Ex was a nasty person who put us all in danger. He used to use drugs herion in front of our son and would lock us in the car whilst doing drugs the. Drive very crazy. He also used to threaten to take little one away and never let me see him again. He said as I have epilepsy ss would not let me have my son.

I was scared of him I spent years begging him and shouting crying for him to leave it came to ahead when I called the police in him to get him leave. Ss got involved helped me sort my safety net out and make house safe then discharged us. They said and I have the report that ex is to have supervised visits and in a public places to avoid arguments.

Ex lives in a probation house as he went on to mug a poor lady and lick the man who tried to help her. This year he’s not seen our son much as I don’t want him in my home. It’s been hard with public transport to. I’ve never ever stopped him seeing our son although I hate him . Ex is now getting nasty saying I should let him come to
My home for dinner it’s to cold outside.which I understand and I feel bad about . At the same time I don’t want him in my home telling me what to do .

I really don’t no what to do I take my son to the park most days we wrap up warm son loves it. I suggest meeting us but ex starts on about cold and wet which makes me feel guilty. What would you do am I being horrible am I right. I would rather have the truth I feel horrible whatever I do. Ex is a nasty person who only does what suites him but I also don’t want to hurt my son.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2020 14:01

Keep both yourself and your son well away from this dangerous and abusive individual. He may be your son's father but he is no decent example at all of a male role model to your child. He does not want to see his son at all, he is merely using him as a tool to further punish you with. Do not ever let this man into your home!.

Please contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women here; both organisations can help you further. Talk to them further about the previous involvement by Social Services.

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 07/12/2020 14:07

Thank you I really appreciate the message. I will contact them. It has taken me a while to realise just how horrible and manipulative he is. I just don’t want to hurt my son. At the same time he’s horrible he has no care for our son really he even stopped me taking our son to a dr before. I fed so stupid for allowing him to do those things.

I won’t let him in my home I am really glad you have said that because I felt like a bitch for not letting him come. I no I need to protect my son though. I can’t let him down.

OP posts:

Ilovecoffeeandcake · 08/12/2020 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovecoffeeandcake · 08/12/2020 20:04

Not self isolating sorry, meant social distancing. And he's a player so always has at least 2 women on the go x

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 20:05

The longer you keep this up the less he will feel inclined to bother you and will move on to someone else.
Stay strong and safe. Your child deserves better than this, and so do you for that matter

Ilovecoffeeandcake · 08/12/2020 20:08

Anordinary mum- maybe not. My solicitor told me that 6 years ago, that he'd get bored, and that hasn't happened. He's only seeing DD as a way to still control me so OP's ex might be the same 😔

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 08/12/2020 22:13

Yeah I always hold out hope he will get fed up, but it really doesn't seam to be happening. I try hard not to react to hin as in know that makes him enjoy it. It's horrible way to be held just enjoys making things horrible. I won't allow him to hurt my son it's horrible even tryst it to on him. Some people are just horrid😣

OP posts:

Ilovecoffeeandcake · 09/12/2020 14:17

OP, what are your plans for Christmas?x

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 09/12/2020 14:59

I’m going to my mums and sisters so I am no where near ex. As he keeps saying he’s coming over and sleeping. He acts like I have no say in it. So I’m making sure my son has a good time and away from any drama. X

OP posts:

Ilovecoffeeandcake · 09/12/2020 15:18

Good. Mine tells me he's coming over. I'm worried sick about this year.

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 09/12/2020 15:26

It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m glad I’m able to go to my mums or he would just do as he pleases and make life horrible. Are you going to be seeing anyone on Xmas ? I hope he doesn’t turn up for you and your able to have a good time. Last year my ex came and was just miserable I was counting the mins till he left

OP posts:

normalmumandwife · 09/12/2020 15:34

Trying to see him at your house is hi. Being manipulative. Frankly with his history of drugs and violence, and being currently in a probation hostel I don't think any court will rush to give him access if you refuse.

I certainly would refuse to protect your son

MrsMoastyToasty · 09/12/2020 15:44

Tell him that he can see DC at a contact centre and if he wants it any differently he can go through the courts (he probably won't).

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 09/12/2020 16:04

That’s what I would like to do I think the contact center. I’m so worried about how he’s going to react I no it sounds silly. But he’s so awful and even though our son is young he slags me off to him. I don’t do that with our son I don’t want him affected. My little one now ask is daddy nice daddy or mean daddy it breaks my heart. I was so hoping he would just leave us alone once he couldn’t get money from me anymore. Do you know how contact centres work do I have to pay if I go down that route ?

OP posts:

Ilovecoffeeandcake · 09/12/2020 20:06

I do go to my mums but she lives very close to me so its not somewhere that I can make an excuse that I'm going to stay at her house for Christmas. I don't know wether he's just delusional and can't see it or just enjoys the fact that he makes everyone miserable. Its a pain because he comes over so early Christmas morning I've no time to go and get ready for the day beforehand. I try not to go upstairs or leave the room because when I have done in the past hes gone through my drawers and cupboards. Hes clever, he's never abusive by text, its to my face or a phonecall, so i dont have proof. But after he's done it he will message with absolute bullshit saying lies about what happened and it was all me, my 'reaction' and how much he loves DD and misses her, making him look like the victim. Its all very calculated. Im seriously thinking about moving away.

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 09/12/2020 21:08

I really feel for you I’m so relieved this year being able to get away. I no exactly what you mean my ex is the same I actually brought a cheap voice recorder to record phone calls. I really thought I was going mental as he tries so hard to convince me otherwise. And text he’s always very different would never ever say those things in text or email. I actually think my ex enjoys it seriously, I do t think he could not realise the hurt he’s caused. I don’t know about your ex but he probably does know what he’s doing especially since they make the effort nicer text emails not to do that. I wouldn’t blame you if you did move away but would you still have the support close by. My family live an hour away but I can’t afford to move I wish I could though.

OP posts:

Ilovecoffeeandcake · 09/12/2020 21:13

My sister lives about 5/6 hours away bit we're not particularly close. DD would be heartbroken to leave my parents and her friends etc, she's so happy and doing well in school. What are your plans for the future?

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 09/12/2020 21:43

I think I’m pre much stuck where I’m to as couldn’t move. I think I’m going to try and go through a child center arrangement. The thought scares me a bit though as I worry he may trick them and somehow get unsupervised visits. I just feel so uncertain 🤨. It’s hard to know what’s best isn’t it. Thank you though i feel a lot better after talking to you .🙂

OP posts:

category12 · 09/12/2020 22:11

Is there no chance of moving? If you're in social housing, you could look for a mutual exchange?

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 10/12/2020 10:53

I dont think so I am in social housing but I’m worried about exchanging as I’m on old benefits system. I was hit by a car and get benifits to help as I’m unable to work full time. It says any change in circumstances I would be switched which would mean a time where I would not receive any money. It’s frustrating as I would love to just move close to mum , she has been amazing throughout everything.

OP posts:

category12 · 10/12/2020 14:04

I'd get advice from your housing officer, there may be grants available or ways round it. They've got a duty of care towards you as a vulnerable person, at risk of domestic violence. Helping you move closer to family support might be something they could do.

slipperywhensparticus · 10/12/2020 14:08

@Buzlightyear1

You take the advance an pay your rent etc with it yes you have to pay it back but its flexible

Original poster

Buzlightyear1 · 10/12/2020 14:43

I will looking into that thank you. I never thought to ask them. It would be brilliant if I could move closer. It would make our lives so much easier and happier. Thank you. 🙂

OP posts:

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