Asked to be godmother

[GenerallyCoping]

A friend has asked me to be godmother for their baby girl who was born a few weeks ago. We have only been friends a matter of 18 months, and we’re not especially close, so I’m a little surprised to be asked.

What’s your view about godparents and what do you think makes a suitable gift? Would really appreciate people’s thoughts.

Are you religious? That might explain why you've been chosen despite not being very close? My Godparents were from my mum's church and they were involved with things like my first holy communion. They bought me a children's Bible when I was little.

@InDubiousBattle This is the strange thing. They aren’t religious or church-goers. Neither am I. I guess a lot of parents want their babies christened and she says that she was christened so wants the same for her children...

It might help to think of it as being there as a support network for their child as they grow. My DH and I are not religious in the slightest but were asked by good friends to be their child's godparents. One of my goddaughter's parents is religious and goes to church, while the other couldn't give two hoots. For me, religion doesn't come into it - it's more about being there, providing support where necessary and helping them make good choices as they grow.

We didn't have our DC christened as it seemed a bit pointless; neither of us is christened and we don't go to church.

Thank you. Yes that makes sense. @theruffles It sounds as though your friends are ‘good friends’. Do you think it is a bit strange that someone I’ve only known for 18 months would ask?

Did you buy a gift for your godchild?

I think you need to establish what she means by “godmother” first, and whether it aligns with what you’d be prepared to do. To some parents it’s little more than showing up for the Christening ceremony and giving a nice gift; to others, the godparents are the people who they would ultimately look to include in their wills as guardians for their child if they were to die when the child was young.

Perhaps your friend simply doesn’t have many close friends to ask. Or you’re one of the few who have children (assuming you have DC) and would take an interest in hers. Or she thinks you have similar values and would appreciate you supporting her child as they grow up.

I bought my goddaughter premium bonds for her Christening which she can cash in for something useful when she’s an adult. I’m a very practical godmother, though - which I know is exactly why my friend chose me! We all need a practical, useful, no-nonsense adult in our lives!

Both godparents of my kids are people I’ve known 20+ years and see weekly. I’m also godmum
To their kids. I buy them Christmas and birthday presents, if their parents die they will come and live with me.

I wouldn’t ask someone I’ve known for 18 months.

@GenerallyCoping maybe she sees you as a good friend/influence so would like that in her DC's life? It may be a bit strange if you don't feel very close to her though!

I made them an embroidered sampler with their DC's name/DOB on but as you said, they are good friends. I didn't want to get them the usual silver gifts because they didn't seem very useful to me beyond decorations!

Thanks all. That helps clarify things for me.

Had it been a friend I have known for years I would understand it but I thought it was a bit strange having only known her for a short period of time, and not being that close (maybe see her once every couple of months).

Premium bonds is a very good idea @ComtesseDeSpair . There’s always a chance of winning something on them without too much of an initial outlay. I too am a practical type.

An embroidered sampler is a lovely gift too @theruffles

I guess my concern is whether she has chosen me because she doesn’t have many friends or because she thinks I will babysit / give money. I’m really not sure.... I wouldn’t ask someone to be a godparent in any shape or form unless I knew them exceptionally well. But that’s me!

I read your post and I was a bit cynical too. I thought maybe she was after money?
I would also feel very surprised as you know her for such a short time and you aren't really close. I would decline nicely. You already have reservations so that's no way to enter into something like this. And tbh its just too weird for my liking.

I would decline politely...

I also have one eyebrow raised. I was asked to and agreed to be a godmother by a uni friend (not very close). I have felt obliged to buy a Christmas and birthday present for the child, every single year, even though I don't see them ever/often (different countries). That's what you are supposed to do, isn't it? I now wonder whether I was asked in part because I am a childfree woman with a career. Somebody with forethought would realise that I was going to end up with lots of cash, etc., no children as heirs and would be likely to leave a small bequest to my grandchild. I'm 50 years old now and have a house, big savings, etc.
Are you childless? Do you have money or are you likely to accumulate a lot over the years? Do you want to feel that you should send annual presents for the next eighteen years, even when you are no longer in real touch (house move, shift in friendship circle)?

Are you wealthy? Are you a SAHM who could provide her with a lot of childcare?

Maybe I’m cynical but I would ask her what being godmother would entail for you...though tbh if you are uncomfortable just refuse.

I’m not even a practicing Christian anymore but I would find it mega weird if someone is known for less than two years asked me to be godparent!

One of my friends, who I had only known a few years at the time, put me down as her next of kin on some form or other 🙈. She only told me about it afterwards. I don't even know what it was for but I was very embarrassed and a bit 🤷‍♀️. She has living parents and other family!!!

Frankly @GenerallyCoping I would decline and say you are very flattered but feel that they should pick people who have a longer connection to the family. 18 months is farcical especially if you took the responsibility seriously

@JillofTrades I’m glad it’s not just me who is cynical! I know I have a tendency towards cynicism which is why I am checking it out on here. I know she isn’t close to her family and her partner’s brothers will probably also be godparents too. I expect she needs a female godparent in the mix. I know she has a very limited circle of friends (moved to area two years ago) which may explain it but still...

@WordOfTheDay @wimhoffbreather You have it in a nutshell. I wonder whether she believes I am wealthy and thinks that I will give them money / leave money? Strange thing is she’s definitely wealthier than me (large inheritance and doesn’t have to work as a result).

That’s it really @Sunflowergirl1 I take it seriously. Some people wouldn’t. If she were religious I would see it as having more meaning but she isn’t at all!

@catwithflowers That’s really odd behaviour isn’t it? Your next of kin are your next of kin whether you like it or not!

They aren’t religious or church-goers. Neither am I.
The answer is No.

I would decline, my first thought was that she thinks you will be a very generous godmother. Apart from that I couldn’t stand in a church and become a godparent when I have no belief in god.

I agree with you @MikeUniformMike and @Thesearmsofmine .

I don’t like the idea of christenings for the sake of an ‘event’ rather than as an expression of / commitment to faith.

I do understand that some people see godparent roles as fulfilling some kind of supportive (not necessarily religious) role which is fine for them but not for me. I still don’t know why they asked me though. That makes me feel odd.

Thank you for confirming this.

I wouldn't want to go into without both parties being very clear about what was expected, and possibly have it in writing too. I would definitely decline personally, regardless of what anyone said was 'expected'. You'd be basically agreeing to be mother to this child if anything happened to the parents. Or financially supportive at least. I find it a bit strange you're thinking about the gift for the Christening... that pales in comparison the lifetime of commitment and responsibilities! And you'd be buying birthday and Christmas gifts for the next 18 years!

I know people who are godparents but claim to be non-believers or even atheists. They are godparents to children of siblings or close long-standing friends. The godparent who claims to be atheist is the sort of person who loves attention.

As a person who is a lapsed churchgoer but with some faith, I'm not comfortable with the idea of someone making a promise they won't keep.

In your case, you don't know the parents well enough and aren't sure of their motives.

They probably asked you because you seem a well-balanced, kind and pleasant person, so it's an honour to be asked, but you can decline.

Yes @MikeUniformMike I’m certainly querying motives here but only because I wouldn’t be asking someone I have only known for 18 months to be godparent to my child. For me a godparent is still someone who supports the child with their faith, perhaps accompanying them to church or just being available, as someone outside the family but who has known the child from birth, to talk things through as they get older. I guess that might be an outdated view these days for many people.

It is interesting to hear the range of views on this and whether people still regard it as a religious role or as more of a ‘support to the family’ role. And I wonder whether ministers ever question the choice of godparents when it is clear the family and godparents do not attend church.

Thank you.