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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner slept with my friend, I need advice/support

20 replies

tonileosmum · 07/12/2020 01:53

Hi.
I was with my partner for ten years and we have a five year old son. I recently found out that he slept with one of my "friends" - I don't know when it happened neither of them will say only that it happened ages ago (we went through a rocky break last year for 6 months) and he's saying it happened when we weren't together. We patched things back up this year but I'm finding it really heard to deal with a double betrayal - I know people have been cheated on before but just wondered if anyone has any advice with it happening with a friend as I feel it makes everything seem ten times more depressing. I lost my sister in March this year so my mental health isn't great to start with this year but this has just topped it all off. When I challenged my partner he walked out. I don't know what to do,

OP posts:

CuppaZa · 07/12/2020 01:57

Sorry to hear about your sister

They’re both scum. I’d get rid of them both. It is a betrayal.

Worriedandabitscared · 07/12/2020 02:00

I'm sorry that you lost your sister

He didn't really give you the full information when you patched things up so you have every right to be angry and the fact it happened with a "friend" is so much worse, like you say it's a double betrayal and you don't need either of them in your life. You say you don't know what to do but what do you want to do? What's your first thought?

AurorasGingerbreadHouse · 07/12/2020 02:01

I would never speak to her again, and would only deal with him in the interests of our children otherwise the same for him. I could never trust somebody who did that again (both of them!) and it would effect me ever trusting anybody again tbh (it would definitely take time!) . It is a massive betrayal and it would be beyond me to forgive. We are all different, but don't let anyone minimise this

user1481840227 · 07/12/2020 02:01

I'm so sorry OP. That's such a lot to deal with.

Personally I could never forget that even if I could forgive...it would completely torment me so the relationship would have to be over.

I would assume the worst due to the fact that they won't tell you when it happened...and the fact that your partner walked out when you challenged him is awful too.

How did you find out? were they in contact?

NovemberR · 07/12/2020 02:02

The fact that he walked out when you challenged him and the way they are cagey with info doesn't suggest your partner's remorseful and desperate to save the relationship relationship.

I'd be expecting massive efforts from him whilst I decided whether I was prepared to give him a second your not. Based on your post I would not. I'd dump.

NovemberR · 07/12/2020 02:03

second chance or not

jimmyjammy001 · 07/12/2020 02:16

I would dump the both of them, everybody knows it's unacceptable to sleep with your friends partner after being with each other for so long, your friend is horrible and you definitely never talk to her ever again, then she might realise that she has done wrong and change her behaviour if her friends stop being friends with her.

Einszwei · 07/12/2020 02:51

I would feel very betrayed that he chose to sleep with a friend, but surely it isn't cheating if you were on a break? Unless you specifically agreed not to see anyone in that time. Morally wrong but not cheating.

Sunflower1970 · 07/12/2020 02:55

It’s such a massive betrayal that I would have to end it with both of them. He has zero respect for you and neither has she. Hard as it is I would pack his bags and enlist family support. Trust is so important and I can’t seen how it can be rebuilt. Sorry this is happening it’s terrible

Palatka · 07/12/2020 03:31

@Einszwei

Assuming he was telling the truth when he said they weren't together. Given that neither he nor the friend will actually confirm when it happened, I wouldn't be inclined to believe it's while they were on a break.

user1481840227 · 07/12/2020 03:57

@Einszwei

It depends really. Sometimes a break is just a break from living together and trying to work through things, often with break ups when there are kids involved they can be long and drawn out with lots of attempts at coming back together.... if it's not a full break up then I would consider it to be just as bad as cheating... if the 2 people involved are hoping on work out their issues and getting back together then sleeping with someone else means you've taken a massive risk in ruining what you had and it never being the same!

Also to sleep with her friend is despicable....

and the friend should never have done it no matter what.

Notapheasantplucker · 07/12/2020 04:04

No.1, your friend isn't your friend. Get rid of her asap, weather you were on a break or not, I'd expect my friend to have more respect for me than to sleep with my long term partner/ex.
No.2, he's a knob and has got zero respect for you. He wouldn't even let you talk, he walked out, how pathetic of him. Get rid of him too. They deserve each other and you deserve better.

Sorry for your loss and having to deal with this shit as well.

Original poster

tonileosmum · 07/12/2020 04:07

Thank you for your kind words and advice. Like I say if we weren’t together and he slept with someone else then as much as it hurts we weren’t together. It just hurts because it was someone I knew. Not a best friend, but someone I talked to, confided in. She’s apologised and tried to explain herself but yeah like you said he’s walked out which doesn’t suggest he’s remorseful or desperate to save the relationship which hurts all over again because it’s made me feel like I’m not worthy of an explanation from him nor an apology and that he would rather bury his head in the sand than man up and face consequences. He’s chosen the easy way out because he thinks that because I love him I’ll try and do the patching up as I have done in the past with other arguments especially because we have a son. It’s not right it was with a ‘friend’ however close but the fact he’s made this mistake and not taking responsibility for it hurts even more so. I found out through a partner of another friend saying not to trust the said friend. I said why has she been talking about me behind my back? He said more than that and I instantly knew. I just replied why has she slept with him. And he said he’s I overheard them talking about it and I wanted to tell you then but my partner told me not to so I was in a lose lose situation as I would have caused arguments somewhere but their relationship didn’t work out and so he told me. X

OP posts:

Crustmasiscoming · 07/12/2020 04:17

You need to cut them both out of your life as much as possible. Easy enough with the friend, but obviously with your partner you will need to co-parent so there will have to be contact. Limit the contact to dealing with child related things and don't have any other contact with him.

I'm sorry this has happened, it sounds like you were hav i ng a rough time anyway and now this bombshell has been dropped. You don't need to be with someone who makes you unhappy.

strangertimes · 07/12/2020 05:43

Well the patching up was dishonest. You patched up but didn’t know the full story. He’s not trustworthy. Don’t chase after him, let him stay gone. He’s probably still mucking around with her

Original poster

tonileosmum · 07/12/2020 09:04

I know everyone is saying better off without and so on but has anyone been through this? Who can just tell me it’s gonna be okay? I just can’t stop crying x

OP posts:

wimhoffbreather · 07/12/2020 09:14

Why do you want to stay with him? he doesn’t even think you’re worth a proper apology?

He hasn’t technically cheated but I would be pissed off with this and drop them both. My ex cheated on me with a friend and it destroyed my trust in people. But both of them are out of my life now and I told our mutual friends why - not in a dramatic way, but just so they know where I stood.

You’ll be ok, but not if you stay with this man, sorry. Cut the ‘friend’ off too. You don’t have to put up with this if you don’t want to

GOODCAT · 07/12/2020 09:17

It will be okay but only if you get rid of them both. You won't ever feel the same and you deserve to be cherished, not cheated on. I say this not as the person affected but someone who someone close to them go through something similar. Ten years later she is splitting up but it took that long and a huge erosion in confidence has followed.

Possibly you can make it work if he was remorseful and trying to make it up to you. However, you deserve a good life not just free of people who hurt you, but with people who enhance your life. Don't ever settle for this.

category12 · 07/12/2020 09:18

I'd like to tell you that it'll be OK, but I only think that's true if you get rid of him.

The fact he stormed off and wasn't prepared to disclose information or engage with you while you're in pain, means he's just expecting you to swallow it and shut up.

You already had a rocky relationship and this is likely the deathblow. I don't see how you can ever trust him again.

If you go through the short term pain of splitting up now, you'll be on the up and happy again in time. Sticking with it is long drawn out pain and potentially more of the same.

lazylump72 · 07/12/2020 09:33

I had the same years ago OP. My bf slept with my best friend. It is a kick in the teeth like no other,You put your faith and trust in these people and they let you down so badly.Mine happened 30 years ago and I still can visualise that day I found them.No amount of discussion could make me unsee what I saw and I was young back then but told them both to sod off. Its different if you have kids but could you ever really forgive and trust either again? I couldnt . You dont need this stress not now not ever.You are worth far more than that. If you cannot trust those closest to you you have nothing. Respect yourself more, They chose to do this both of them ..knowing how much you cared for them both,it didnt accidently happen. I am so so sorry you are in this position. I dont know what you will do or what you want but I promise while you and he are intimate you will never have a minutes peace mentally knowing what
you know. Deep breath dry your tears and work out what you can and cant accept.If you do choose to stay with him though you have to let it go totally and not bring it up ever more and thats a hard thing to do. I couldnt do that and really neither should y ou...you deserve far more much more respect and loyalty.There will be someone out there who is decent and waiting for you.....I wish you well x

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