Is my dad an alcoholic

[Froggles1]

Hi everyone,

I've been struggling a lot this last year with some of my parents actions but mainly my dad.

He has always prioritised having a social life over family but since having my own children it's really bothering me.

Pre lock down, if we went to their house for a Sunday lunch, he would go out as soon as we arrived. It hurts me that he'd rather do that than see his family.

He also drinks at home & usually every night. When he drinks a lot he becomes really silly & makes silly comments or acts carelessly.

He has some health problems and I can't work out whether he drinks out of habit or whether he is dependent on it.

I feel really sad as it's to a point I don't really like leaving my child there 😭I feel torn as I love my dad but he's never really been an affectionate,doting dad although I know he loves us.

I just feel so angry with him but he clams up with any serious convo. On top of this, my mum seems miserable a lot and they don't seem that happy.

Heavy drinker & alcoholic aren't always the same thing.

You may not be able to figure out your parents.

Have you asked your mum as she is the one being made miserable by his behaviour? He's been using you coming round as an excuse to get away from his wife without leaving her alone.

He may well be an alcoholic - it's a depressant so if he is depressed it will likely be making him feel worse.

I'm sure your mum isn't very happy. Happiness is hard to find with someone who is emotionally unavailable. If I were you, I would tell him exactly how I feel and how I want things to be better.

Regardless of whether or not your dad is an alcoholic, any words or actions from you are unlikely to make a difference to their drinking unfortunately.

Is your relationship with your mum good? I'd be putting your energy and effort into being a listening ear for her, and being there on a more consistent basis as a sounding board.

Quite a lot of men are like this, OP. If they're not using "social life" down the pub to escape their family, they're taking up long-distance cycling or mountaineering or "training" for something or other. It sounds like your DM could do with a hand-hold. If she's stuck in a parallel marriage and can't leave for financial reasons, perhaps encourage her to develop new interests away from the home. Is she still working?

Hi everyone thanks for the replies.

My mum is still Working; my dad retired due to I'll health years ago. She doesn't earn a huge amount but she's always been independent so don't think she stays for financial reasons. She has her own friends and interests and used to go out with him on Saturdays.

It's just all weird. My mum used to get really annoyed at his behaviour when I was younger & sometimes she would even threaten to leave and pack her bags. He would usually keep a low profile & be nice to her & she would eventually just go back to normal.

My relationship with my mum has always been good but the last few years I have noticed how negative she is and it can be difficult with her on occasions as she's very fiery & I don't always agree with her decisions. She has point blank called my dad an alcoholic to his face but then if she really thinks that I don't understand why she doesn't leave :( I guess she feels stuck now.

They both had difficult childhoods which has affected them but neither will seek help either. They're very stuck in their ways. I have anxiety/ocd and whilst I don't see the point in blaming them, I do feel my issues stem from childhood. I just dont know what to do. I feel like my dad just doesn't appreciate us but because he's a nice person generally then maybe I should let it go. There are other things going on too but I'm finding myself awake & worrying about them at night.

His drinking is causing problems. Check out Al Anon, its for when a loved one has problem drinking. It's for you and how to cope, like the idea of 'detach with love'.

Unfortunately, the first thing you need to realise is that it is out of your control and there is nothing you can do for them to change. The only thing you can control is what you do and what your children do. If this means changing your routines to avoid being there when they are behaving like this then so be it.

I had this with both parents. Both alcoholic and prone to bickering/arguing/negativity whenever i visited with my children after lunchtime. I eventually had to stop going after lunch and only did morning visits. It also got to the point where I stopped them from looking after my children as I didn’t want them exposed to their problems.

My dad died of alcohol related causes at the age of 59 and my mum is heading the same way although she is in her 70’s. It’s tragic to watch and it can get you down so I have to avoid thinking about it and trying to solve it now as the behaviour won’t change whatever I do.

Good luck with it. You have my sympathy. It’s horrible when you realise your own parents will prioritise this over you and your family.