My partner is an angry drunk

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. We live together. Both in our 40s with teenage children. We are very much in love. After an emotionally abusive relationship with my children’s father, my partner is amazing. There is only one problem. He drinks every night, either falls asleep or gets angry over domestic stuff. It’s rarely aimed at me, more about the children. He gets angry because I stick up for them. Tonight his daughter was upset after his outrage and she’s an amazing girl. He will most likely forget in the morning.
I’m currently recovering from breast cancer and just want a peaceful life. I want him to get help but don’t know how to go about it. Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

You are allowing this man to abuse your children. He is abusive and drinks every night, what a catch! Set your standards higher than abusive men. I feel for your children, you are choosing this 'love' over their wellbeing

You have merely gone from one abusive relationship to yet another one and this time with a drunkard. Only HE can decide whether to address his alcoholism and he clearly does not want to. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You are merely only prolonging your own agonies for a man who is not worth it.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Are you codependent in relationships, are you confusing this state with love?. What is there to love about this man, a man whose primary relationship is with drink. You will NOT have a peaceful life as long as he at all remains within it, he will bring chaos to it. Apart from contacting Al-anon I would suggest you tell him to leave ASAP. I would also suggest you read Women who love too
much by Robin Norwood.

And what about your children here in all this,
They’ve also had five years of this shit relationship too, what are you teaching them about relationships here?. You’re not really standing up for your kids here at all because you and he are still together. You can’t merely stand up for them by sticking up for them, it’s not enough and you are also worth more than sharing your life with a drunkard

He's not amazing, he's an abusive drunk. Get him away from you and your poor kids.

Alcohol is an excuse to be awful, not the reason.

Just because he's not as bad as your previous abuser, doesn't mean it's not abusive.

And night after night, your children are exposed to the "outrage" of an alcoholic. You need to get them out of this.

You've got a history of abusive relationships; was your parents' relationship poor, or were you treated poorly as a child? It often happens that if that's the example we grew up with, poor treatment within a relationship seems normal, or even good, to us, when it's actually abusive. We have trouble listening to our gut instinct, suffer from cognitive dissonance, and try endlessly and unsuccessfully to manipulate our partners into better behaviour, because leaving was not demonstrated to us as an option.

After an emotionally abusive relationship with my children’s father, my partner is amazing

This looks a lot to me like 'My partner does not abuse me anything like as badly as my previous partner, and I don't actually know what a healthy relationship looks like.'

I'm sorry, but if your partner really was amazing, you wouldn't be feeling the need to post on an internet forum about how to deal with him being an angry drunk. That's simply not what amazing partners do. If he wants help, he has to take responsibility for seeking it out. Until he does this of his own accord, he will not be taking responsibility for his issues in any sense.

You need to look after your own health, and the welfare of your children. Set some boundaries. Work out what's acceptable to you and what is not. Tell him that if he disrespects your boundaries, you will leave. Let him decide what's more important to him: you or the bottle. Follow through if he lets you down.

I'm sorry, this can't be easy to read.

You are still in an abusive relationship. He is not amazing , wake up .

Why live with him if you don't have dc together, wouldn't your home be much happier without a drunken twat in it. Does he have any claim on the house or can he leave.

Thanks for responses. Eckhart, I had a very loving upbringing. My parents were together until they both passed away. I am a very strong woman and walked away from the relationship with my children’s father.
This partner had a strict upbringing and is strict towards his daughter. I, on the other hand, am quite easy going and my children (17 and 13) are loving and well mannered.
His daughter lives with us (my house) as her mum isn’t around. She refers to me as her mum. So it’s not as easy as asking him to leave. I think Eckhart, your advice about setting boundaries is a good way to start. He has been very supportive during my illness, doing everything for me and coming to appointments. It’s the demon drink which makes him argumentative. You are all right in that I need to change this and can’t accept it for my children’s sake too.
I’ll have a frank and open discussion when I get home from work. I’ll let you know how it goes. Thank you all for your responses.

Engage with Al-Anon for support and advice dealing with him. This level of alcohol abuse is unlikely to be something he'll be able to promise to reduce or stop and follow through with, just from a chat.

I know that you don't want to consider that alcohol is not the only problem, but it is often used as a way for the person to give themselves permission to behave badly. Something to bear in mind.

Have his children got anywhere else to go? Do they live with their mother?

They (and you and yours) need to be kept away from him

Talking to him about any of this or his drinking could be about as effective as peeing in the ocean.

You cannot help him nor can you change this. You can only help your own self here and that of your children. This is no life for your children or his daughter for that matter. What is she learning about relationship here; she calls you mum (you are not her mother), her dad is a drunkard and her own mother is in your own words "not around". Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, certainly need raising now. This man likely targeted you anyway and deliberately so as well. Ultimately this man needs to leave your home because your home at present is not anything of the sort but akin to a warzone.

@LittleLadyFooFoo

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. We live together. Both in our 40s with teenage children. We are very much in love. After an emotionally abusive relationship with my children’s father, my partner is amazing. There is only one problem. He drinks every night, either falls asleep or gets angry over domestic stuff. It’s rarely aimed at me, more about the children. He gets angry because I stick up for them. Tonight his daughter was upset after his outrage and she’s an amazing girl. He will most likely forget in the morning. I’m currently recovering from breast cancer and just want a peaceful life. I want him to get help but don’t know how to go about it. Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

He has to want to get help, otherwise he won't unfortunately There is literally nothing you can do about it. I've been there. I went mad trying to 'fix' the problem that wasn't mine to fix. Alcoholism is a progressive illness. Eventually I realised this and divorced my XH. He's been gone for about 6 weeks and my home is peaceful.