Why does nobody love me

[Melanogaster]

I'm low, and it feels like it's getting darker.

My relationship with my wife is breaking apart. I don't think she loves me, but she finds me useful. I dont go out much unlike her so I do the majority of the work around the house. She says I dont do enough and she doesnt want to have sex with me because when she does the housework she doesnt feel sexy. I know behind my back she tells her family I'm lazy.

My parents never bonded with me. I was left to fend for myself at an earlier age. I'm battling depression and breaking down and they rang today to ask for help with something. I'm just there to sort their issues. I tried changing the conversation but I could tell they weren't interested. I'm just there to fix things or bail them out. Sometimes I ring and I can tell something is up... turns out there is something on tv they want to watch so I just say nevermind and I will ring them back later.

My sister is even worse. She emotionally manipulates everyone in the family for money, has never once asked how I am after I told her I wasnt in a good place. My siblings all have massive families so all my parents energy goes into them.

I try and make friends, but it's never replicated. And then I just push more and more to try and be wanted. I buy presents for everyone in my family year after year.

One reason I dont leave my marriage is that will leave me with nothing and I am worried that I will have nothing left worth living for. I'm dreading Christmas, my wife wants to spend it with her family but my parents will be alone if I don't go. My siblings would never make the effort to visit.

I'm am seeing a therapist. When I told my parents I had depression they asked me not to end up in a mental institute and my wife just told me to 'deal with it'.

Other than starting my life over again what do I do. I'm Male and mid 30s no kids... kids, ha we havent had sex for years.

You poor thing. Hopefully the counselling/therapy is helping? Have you considered going non contact with your parents?

I should add, perhaps its up to your siblings to go to your parents this time. You don't have to do this every year.

LTB

You need a different wife. I’m sorry but you do. You need somebody warm and secure and open who adores you and wants to give you a big family. You are replicating your parents relationship with you by chasing this cold loveless marriage. You are only 30s. Do it now. Move maybe to a seaside town. Somewhere fun with lots of 30 year old singles. You can do this. You just have to be brave. But a dog for company and to get you out into the community. You are wasting your life with this woman

Sounds like you're going through a really tough time atm. I think you and your wife should sit down and have a proper conversation about your relationship, if you're both unhappy it might be time to think about ending it, you never know it could be the start of a much happier life for both of you. Have you seen your gp about the depression? Maybe think about some medication if you're not already on any. Maybe look into some new hobbies (I know its difficult with covid atm) to meet new people, website or apps where you can make new friends? Hope things start to look up for you soon

Oh and time is on your side because you can father kids into your 50s! But you have to end the marriage and find your right person. She’s out there for you

I'm non confrontational. (Perhaps because I want to feel wanted no matter what). I know telling my siblings would cause endless pain. They are both separated with step families etc, so would never spend Christmas away from their home cities. My sister has visited my folks once in five years and it was for 12 hours and it was a drama.

Because they're separated with huge families, I have to buy around 25 presents. I do well if I get two or three myself. One year I said I would stop buying and my mum and sister started crying and said I had ruined Christmas for them. So I just carry on. One year my sister said that "had I started buying her presents from a service station"...

My wife has now told me that shes been told in private from the couple counsellor that we are seeing that she says I'm abusive. I thought things couldn't get any lower but obviously they can.

Oh this is such a sad situation. Your self esteem has been eroded so much that you are willing to accept such an empty marriage. You so deserve better. Please leave your wife and after some healing time and therapy, look for a new relationship. This woman does not love you but you absolutely are loveable. Please believe in yourself and learn to love yourself. The rest will follow. But your current set up will not improve, it will only get worse. No wonder you feel down.
Best of luck OP. Be strong. You can do it!

It wouldn't cause your siblings endless pain, it would just be you stepping away and them stepping up.It doesn't need to be elaborate, you just say this year Im going with my wife. With regards to presents, likewise. Tell them that this year you have decided yo give the money to charity ;) They cant argue with that. I very much doubt the counsellor has told your wife you are abusive. usually they dont make direct comments like that. However, if its a couples counsellor, I would challenge that at the next session. I also agree with a previous poster about getting a dog and thinking about getting out of this relationship.Good luck.

Leave her. There are loads of lovely single women out there in their mid-30s who are not out to use you, undermine you, or stifle you in a sexless marriage. She's taking the piss and she knows it, that's why she tries to cover her tracks by telling her family she is lazy.

Just tell your siblings you have hit hard times and are out of money. They have never paid the slightest bit of interest in your life, why would they know any better?

I would dump the wife and then batten down the hatches a bit answering demands from people. Once you have inner quiet and peace, you will most likely be able to move forward with making friends, as you will be approaching people from a position of self esteem and self worth, instead of with a gaping hole in your soul.

No one loves you because you have married someone who relates to you in a way that is familiar from your family if origin? Try Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families - massively helped me - and keep going with personal therapy.
adultchildren.org

You can value yourself and be valued..

Pleasing everyone is making you more miserable.

Before you ask yourself if you’re depressed, first check that you’re not surrounded by arseholes. Paraphrasing. Attributed to Freud.

Sounds like you are surrounded by arseholes and you will have to force yourself out of your comfort zone to make changes.

Force yourself to not buy presents this year. Say sorry, you can’t afford it.

Force yourself to leave this awful relationship. It’s just misery.

Keep going with the therapy.

Mid thirties is so young. Claim your life OP. Good luck

Thanks everyone. I had a bath and just cried out all out for 30 minutes and I feel better. I need to take steps myself and if that means ADs and being more assertive then that's a start. I will book a GP session tomorrow.

I dont blame my parents, it's just who they are. Maybe a generational thing.. they dont want to have to deal with emotional stuff. They bury their heads in the sand and have poor communication.

I stopped with the couples therapy but my wife carried on. I stopped as I felt vulnerable and it was clear the issues lied with my depression and lack of enthusiasm in the relationship. Last year my wife wanted to go see a friend abroad but I asked if she would stay as I didnt feel like I wanted to be alone as I was unhappy. Ibe never asked before and she often goes away with her friends on holiday. According to my wife and the therapist, this is an example of abuse as I stopped her doing things. I sort of know it's not true.. but its hurting hearing that.

This is sad to read. Your parents & family don't seem interested in what you're up to yet expect you to be the one visiting/helping/buying gifts.
I think for your wife to respect you more you need to act more confidently. Try to get out more, find something to do even if it's joining a walking group.
Do you have a decent job? Maybe look at that too.
Personally I would step back from my parents and siblings if I were in your position. Focus more on what you want.

Thanks everyone - I'm feeling so much better. Loads of good advice.

Unfortunately I've already done presents this year (I do them in the summer as I hate the pressure of it all). And unfortunately my siblings know I've got loads of money. I'm a saver and invest my money so I have a few houses etc. I work in a lucrative industry and they know that.

I'm coming to despise my sister. She cant even be bothered to send a text to say thanks when I get her stuff. And now her kids dont ever say thanks either. She has taught them such poor values and I hate it.

I know my parents wont be around for ever and I'd not be upset about not speaking to my sister again. Some days I see a glimmer of hope because I see myself with my own family. I will love my kids so much!! I want to give them everything I have

OP, believe it or not you are in a great position. You are young and wealthy. You have no strings tying you somewhere you don’t want to be.

Here’s what I would do if I was you.

• Get therapy. Sort out your issues with needing approval and the damage from your parents lack of love. Start loving yourself.

• Get divorced. Your wife sounds awful. You have no kids. Quick and clean. Get a good lawyer.

• Move. Pick a town with a good singles scene, as mentioned above. Get out there and meet people. Don’t worry about your family, clearly you won’t be missing much.

• Spend some money on yourself. Don’t go crazy, but you say you earn well and invest well. Find some hobbies that you love. Invest in your body and your mind. Build yourself up. Be your own best friend. This time next year, you could be living a completely different life.

Good luck OP. I truly wish you well. Don’t forget what a good position you are in, and start seeing everything currently causes you pain as a great starting point. Letting go of people who don’t support you is so freeing, and I really think the more you learn to love and rely on yourself, the better you’ll be.

You need to stop thinking that anything is better than nothing. It isn't; much better to be peaceful and contented on your own than living with someone unkind. You're young, you don't have to put up with this. You can distance yourself from your family - don't invest too much emotional effort in them - and if it 'spoils' their grabby Christmas because they don't get presents from you, well, so what!
I know people always recommend walking/running groups and volunteering - but they're great for widening your circle if you're feeling fragile. You do sound as if you need to get out more; issues with siblings and parents won't loom so large if you don't have time to brood on them.

PS Just because you've already bought presents doesn't mean you have to hand them over to rude, unappreciative relatives. Friends' kids - charity shop - food bank/church - return to shop - leave them to clutter your cupboards - doesn't matter, just take charge and say's enough is enough!
It's true what @ladyfoxtrot says. You sound like a very eligible bachelor in the making! Don't go rushing into anything - but this time next year, life could look very different.

You sound like a really nice person . From what you have told us you deserve more, so much more, from the selfish people around you and it seems you are never going to get it. Take a deep breath and move on. As a previous poster said, this time next year there's no telling where you could be !
When you give out the presents this year tell everyone that this will be the last.

Honestly like everyone else, my advice is to tell them all to go fuck themselves. They’re a bunch of selfish grabby arseholes and they don’t deserve your thoughtfulness.

If your wife is convinced you’re abusive, tell her you’re doing her a favour by leaving her. I’m sure your depression must be at least partly linked to your awful family members, starting again from scratch could give you a whole new life.

Don’t worry about who’s spending time with your parents when they’d rather be watching TV than talking to you. Maybe if you stop being so accommodating they’ll start appreciating you more?

Give all their gifts to charity this year. Tell them that other families have struggled this year due to COVID and you want to help them out by donating some gifts - their reaction will tell you all you need to know about how entitled they are.

At your age you have your whole life ahead of you - for men mid 30s is nothing. Plenty of women your age will be looking for a man with no children and no ties to start a family, you’ll have your pick. Get your head straight, start to value yourself as the prize and make sure you can give enough of yourself to a new partner without losing yourself to her.

Good luck, you can do it.

You sound nice. Your wife sounds awful. You're young and financially secure without dependants. Get divorced. Buy some new clothes, and get a decent haircut. Fix your teeth if you need to. Buy a nice car. Go low contact with your family because it's not as if they are suddenly going to turn into warm, supportive people. Get a dog for some unconditional loyalty and it's easy to meet lots of people keen on dogs when you are walking it. There are any number of thirty something women who are attractive, nice and keen on children who'd practically kill to date you.

I have been in the same place as you depression wise and I wouldn't wish it on anyone . I still battle with it now and I havnt had the best few days as its flaring up again . The only thing I can say to you is stop allowing people to take you for granted . Make sure you get up early in the mornings , shower and go for a short work if you work before you start and it you don't then go for an even longer one . Find a hobby your interested in . You will get talking to people there and make friendships as for your wife once you get your self in a better place where your self esteem is better too I would think about leaving her . It's mad how people can bring out issues in people with out you even realising it's actually then who have caused it in the 1st place . X

I feel for you and agree with previous PP, youve married someone who treats you the way youve been accustomed by your family. Its hard but once you take the steps you need to free yourself from this marriage you will start to move forward. I was in a relationship for 28 years and felt unloved and eventually ended things and now am much happier. I am single but happy, I also agree with getting a dog, my DS has 2 whippets who adore him and give him so much happiness.

You are still young enough to start again and meet someone who appreciates and loves you. I did meet someone else at the age of 47 and although that ended to after 7 years when he moved away, it shows you can meet someone at any age and find the happiness you deserve.

I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do to get control of your life and future

What @MarkRuffaloCrumble said!

OP, you might want to check out the work of Jonice Webb, an American psychologist who specialises in childhood emotional neglect and the problems it can cause in adulthood. Her writings might resonate with you.

On a lighter but no less useful note, please watch the Seinfeld episode "The Opposite", in which George, fed up with his lacklustre life, decides to deliberately go against his usual behaviour. He flourishes.

Ask yourself if your behaviour with your family and wife has helped you. What if you did the opposite of what you've always done?

Dump the wife, laugh heartily at the siblings, give those lovely gifts to charity, and if you don't want to spend Xmas watching your parents watch TV you can arrange to catch up with a friend in the afternoon. When the Covid crisis eases, hiking and backpacking will be good ways to meet lots of new people, and you are young enough to enjoy the lifestyle. The world is full of women who'd be delighted to meet you.