How do you manage living together for a while after separation?

[MotherForker]

We agreed to separate about a month ago, at my instigation. We haven't told dc yet, because we want to sort out living arrangements etc first.

The plan had been that I would remortgage current house and buy him out. He could then buy somewhere. Everything was progressing, but now my mortgage lender has down valued our house which may make this impossible.

If we have to sell this house we will have to live together a lot longer, I'm thinking up to 6 months. I'm already finding it a strain, I'm trying really hard to be "nice" and civil, but it's exhausting. I'm really not enthralled with having to extend this time.

How have other people managed without losing the amicable relationship?

Watching with interest as I’m in a similar position. No children fortunately, but we decided to split at the start of September ( he was cheating ) and house was up for sale within a few weeks but no interest so far. I can afford to buy him out and pay the bills on my own but the mortgage company won’t let me be the only person named so selling is our only option. I hope you’re ok @MotherForker. It’s not very pleasant and can only imagine how difficult it’s made by having DC involved. I’d love some tips on how to navigate this, he seems to think we can be “best friends” but I can barely tolerate him

My stbxh seems to think it's all fine and we can be the same as before for as long as it takes. I'd happily move out and rent, but there are so few rental properties around here at the moment, I assume because of covid.

We both work from home too, so have essentially spent 24 hrs a day together since March. I am ready to kill him.

I'm in the same position and it is AWFUL. Even when we are civil there is still tension and we could descend into bickering at any time. I'm also trying to buy him out but I don't know if I can yet and if not, we will have to sell which could be MONTHS. It has already been months whilst we decided what to do and I feel at breaking point. We've both independently been advised not to move out and rent but boy do I feel tempted. Very few rentals here too.

I did about 5 months with my ex. We would just avoid being around each other as much as possible: he would get up early for work and I would get up after he left, then I would get home early and stay until he got home about 6 then I would go out to the farm come back and go to bed. It was awkward but manageable I thought at the time -We argued like mad over me buying him out and he eventually agreed as he had no other option. The relief and sense of calm the day after he moved out was one of the best days ever. It sucks OP you have my sympathies.

I've been living with my ex for almost two years now. It's been very difficult. He left me, but didn't physically leave. Our house is big enough for us to have separate bedrooms. We have a schedule for childcare and whoever is 'on duty' gets the main living space. We generally keep out of each other's way. The on duty parent cooks enough for everyone so that we don't both have to cook every evening as that would mean being in the same space. The off duty parent tends to stay in their bedroom. Pre-covid we would both go out quite a bit to keep out of each other's way. Although that in itself can be difficult. It's not easy knowing your ex has stayed out overnight or comes in at 2 am regularly.

To begin with, he wanted us to still watch TV together in the evenings. I simply found it too distressing to play at being friends when he'd hurt me very, very deeply, but you could have an evening a week together if you're amicable.

Our current schedule came about quite gradually. First we just did every other weekend with the kids and the weekdays were exactly the same (i.e. I did all childcare). We had some meals as a family. It's evolved over time.

I've got used to it now, but it's pretty miserable. I have massive sympathy for anyone in the same situation.

My advice would be to agree on some rules and a general schedule. We aren't really amicable, but we don't have blazing arguments either.

@ForgottenWhyImHere oh god, I couldn't do 2 years, you must be a Saint! Are you at least close to resolving everything?

Another one who did 2 years. He used to bring the OW round and shag her in the room above mine. How my head did not explode I have no idea. You do it because you have to I guess. I moved out in the end, lived like a pauper while the OW lived in my house until it was sold, but better that than the alternative!!

@MotherForker My family have been trying to help financially and finally managed to buy him out very recently. He should be gone by the time we actually reach the two-year mark. Still need to finalise the divorce. So I'm getting there. But it's been grim at times. I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone!

On the other hand, the children have had time to adjust to a different routine and the idea of divorce, new house for dad etc.

I think it depends a lot on the general situation. My ex ended the marriage to 'explore his sexuality'. Which seemed to mean going out a lot until all hours, at least at first. That really didn't help. It's been like living with a teenager. I felt like he was rubbing my face in his new-found 'freedom'. I thought he should move out if he wanted to stay out all night partying.

Is your ex reasonable? If he is and you can agree some ground rules, like housemates, then that will help make it more bearable.

Honestly, I find it easier if I just avoid him. It is emotionally draining being nice and civil all the time. Especially if you're putting on an act for the DC. I really feel for you. I'm much less stressed now there's an end date.

@Takethewinefromtheswine OMG! No! That's shocking! I thought my ex was inconsiderate, but that's a whole other level of awful.

I did this when splitting from exH. I agreed to give him 6 months to save enough to move into rental, although I suspect he had started saving earlier and used that time to save more.

We were also amicable but as time went on we had a few arguments which was unlike us. I kept out of the way, either staying in the bedroom or going out. He seemed to think we could still both sit in the front room together in the evenings. He had never even slept in the bedroom anyway but I had to put my foot down about him coming in when I was in there. He seemed to think he could just walk in because his clothes were in there and was not happy when I said it was inappropriate. He suddenly wanted a cleaning rota etc too as I got fed up and stopped doing it all. He had barely ever bothered about cleaning before but suddenly when I couldn't be bothered either, we needed a rota. I ignored this. He also got funny when I started cooking for me and he kids for before he came home and didn't always do him some.

In the end I could see him dragging it out about renting even though we had agreed and told the DCs when it would happen, as he didn't look at much and was taking his time choosing. I had to push it in the end even though we agreed all along that the DCs and I would stay in the house.

God I don't miss those days!! Luckily that was a while ago and after the awkwardness and him ignoring any messages that he didn't like/agree with afterwards for a while, and taking his time with a couple of things in the divorce, we are ok these days and manage things well for the DCs and will do each other the odd favour.

I never hated him though and he wasn't a bad person, I had just fallen out of love with him. It was still awful living together though.

Clear boundaries are the way to go and I'd suggest having an end date on it as you could just keep going!

It was beyond awful, but the kind of awful that follows a long line of horror. It is not a period of my life I appear to be getting past easily (been 10 years, but still SO BITTER), but at least it is over!!

On the face of it he's reasonable. But there is a history of emotional abuse and its my decision to end it, so he is still hurting/angry/bitter about that.

I think he would resist any sort of timetable as he thinks things are fine as they are. And the house probably isn't big enough (we don't have a spare room so are still sharing.

I'm in this now. We're hopefully on the verge of him renting but it is really draining. In particular, we're in a place where we're rehashing why we're breaking up (I caught him camming, he's got a porn addiction) and I can't do it much longer.

We take a day each at the weekend but muddle along in the week. I might start spending more time in my room though, as this is exhausting. Not sure yet what will happen with the house.

We did it for 7 months, it was fine, the main difference is he slept in the spare room (obviously harder if you don't have a spare room). I'm actually staying with ex at the moment because I'm picking up dc and couldn't face a 400 mile round trip nor a hotel which has had unknown past guests or cleaning.

I'm in this right now. Split up in may. Divorce almost done.
Okay so at the start he was going to rent, now won't as he can't find anything which I think is utter bollocks.
Anyway as a result of his feet dragging we are putting the house for sale in Jan. I have done everything to get the house ready for sale. Decorating etc. Again no help really.
At least I have an end in sight. But it's been tough, sad, I'm fucking angry most of the time, he thinks we can pretend to still go on as we were, we can't. I can't move out as don't earn enough to rent.
We have separate bathrooms, bedrooms and living space, but it's still hard dealing with someone else's mess, not being able to move forward etc. I don't think I could do it much more than a year but I keep reminding myself I have a roof over my head, I'm safe, food in the cupboards and kids are safe and well. For now that's enough x

Yes, the mess gets me angry and I'm on the look out for the 'Oh that flat wasn't quite right'.

Ex moved in with his brother. He cheated and I was very adamant that he was leaving asap. It was a few hellish weeks and I hated it and went out the house as much as possible. He tried to stay longer but the atmosphere was unbearable. It felt like forever and I felt immense relief when he finally went.
He could rent a room or find a friend to share.

We didn't have a spare room either. He slept on the sofa but that was where he slept before the split anyway. I'd rather sleep on the sofa myself than share a bed still after splitting!