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Original poster

What does he mean?!

25 replies

Sothisischristmas1 · 06/12/2020 15:17

Hello

I know it is impossible to know what someone is thinking but I'm a little confused and wanted to get your advice so I know what Tuesday will bring.

So me and my partner split up 6 weeks ago. I had a recent health scare (all okay thankfully) and it brought us closer. He was there for me and we both got quite emotional about what was going on. I asked him if we could think about giving us another go and he said he didn't know.

To give some background: there's quite an age difference and I have found it hard to let him fully in my life. I thought to begin with, we were just a bit of fun and nothing would come of it. Fast forward three years and I do love him. I've really hurt him in the past by not letting him in my life whereas he let me in his.

We met yesterday to just spend time together as the last two weeks with my health scare has been pretty intense and he said it would be nice to just relax together and talk about us a little bit but not to decide anything.

We did speak, tears were had and we agreed to leave it there and speak again Tuesday. He said we should both take this time to reflect on what was discussed as whatever we decide (ie to give things another go, to not get back together) he doesn't want to rush a decision. When leaving, I asked if Tuesday was make or break and he said it definitely wasn't that for him but he thinks we should just reflect over what we have discussed over the next few days.

What does this sound like to you?
I'm not expecting us to get back together on Tuesday but I don't know what to think.

Sorry for the long message.

Any advice will be appreciated.

OP posts:
MaelyssQ · 06/12/2020 15:21

What's the age difference? Are you older or is he?

From what you've said it does sound as if he is still considering a future with you and your recent health scare (glad the outcome was a good one btw) has cemented that.

Original poster
Sothisischristmas1 · 06/12/2020 15:23

He's older.
Age difference is quite big... 20 years!!
Thanks, I did ask for another chance when we first split and it was a definite no. After my health scare he said he feels closer to me and doesn't want regret in the future for not giving us another go.

OP posts:
MaelyssQ · 06/12/2020 15:46

20 years is nothing if you love each other. I know lots of couples with a similar age gap. Give it another go if you can, life is too short to miss out on a good relationship.

MacbookHo · 06/12/2020 15:50

Don’t allow your current panic to make you forget why you split up. Why did you split up? Did he Chuck you for not letting him into your life..? If so, what did he mean by that exactly?

user1274245 · 06/12/2020 15:55

Why/how did you split up?

user1274245 · 06/12/2020 15:56

20 year gap but how old are you?

Original poster
Sothisischristmas1 · 06/12/2020 16:06

I'm 28. The first 2 years I thought we were casual. He didn't (I didnt see other people), he wanted to spend lots of time with me, I was more interested in socialising with friends etc. I also just graduated and trying to find my feet in my job and build a career. This year I said it would be different and lockdown happened. We argued quite a bit over silly things and when I returned from a work trip I decided to go home and not see him (I was tired, had health concern on my but didn't say), we argued and he said we were over as he needed more. I hate how I've treated him. I really love him and hope its not too late, which it probably is

OP posts:
Original poster
Sothisischristmas1 · 06/12/2020 16:08

I don't want health scare to be a reason to forget everything. We spoke about everything yesterday and now we are reflecting. If Tuesday isn't make or break then what is it? That's what I don't get

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 16:14

Woah there. He wanted to spend lots of time with you? More than you wanted as a young woman, as you wanted to live and socialise as a young woman should?

Be wary OP. He may have targeted you as a much younger woman with a view to taking control of your life.

I can't see any good reason a man in his 40s wants a woman in her 20s.

MacbookHo · 06/12/2020 16:58

I can't see any good reason a man in his 40s wants a woman in her 20s.

Statistically, research has found that men of every age want a woman in her 20s, The most attractive/desirable age for a woman is 21. (I know, I know. But research bears it out.)

rosabug · 06/12/2020 17:04

@MacbookHo

I can't see any good reason a man in his 40s wants a woman in her 20s.

Statistically, research has found that men of every age want a woman in her 20s, The most attractive/desirable age for a woman is 21. (I know, I know. But research bears it out.)

What research? quote it, don't just bandy remarks like that about. - They may want to sleep with a woman of 21 in their dreams, having a relationship is something else.

I don't have a huge amount of sympathy with the writer. Older women struggle to get a look in with men their own age - no wonder.

But for what it's worth - he's trying to be nice, but I think you should accept it's over.

Original poster
Sothisischristmas1 · 06/12/2020 17:46

Just an update. I just called him and asked. He said he doesn't want us to just get back together for nothing to be solved. He said Tuesday will us both deciding what's best.

Also, he isn't controlling in the slightest. He just wants us, as I do now, to spend more quality time as a couple.

Also, when we both met (online) we were both looking for some fun. It was all a bit exciting. Seeing someone much older, the experience etc. He developed feelings quicker than me and I have realised that I really want him in my life.

OP posts:
MaelyssQ · 06/12/2020 17:59

If you really want him in your life, then grab hold of him and don't let go. Life really is short. Do what makes your heart sing.

Shetoshe · 06/12/2020 18:01

You're 28! Don't be daft. He'll be an old man and then what? Do you want DC in the future?

Consider it a lucky escape and move on and find someone closer to your own age.

lemonsquashie · 06/12/2020 18:05

@Shetoshe

You're 28! Don't be daft. He'll be an old man and then what? Do you want DC in the future?

Consider it a lucky escape and move on and find someone closer to your own age.

He provably thinks this too and is afraid of getting hurt: he doesn't want to wind up single in a few years because you have met somebody your own age
user1274245 · 06/12/2020 18:06

Why do you want him in your life?

Attachment? Familiarity? Validation? Security?

You broke up because what you each need from life is poles apart.

Just because grief is uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong for something to end. Life is a series of endings as we move forward.

I fail to see what you're basing this "I hate how I've treated him" bollocks on. You haven't done anything wrong and it's worrying if he's convinced you that you have.

providentglue · 06/12/2020 18:07

Cut the string he is dangling you from. You will be much happier. He had you second guessing - exactly where he wants you. He is a prick and you do not need him.

lostintheday · 06/12/2020 18:09

He's 48. He is going to age really rapidly over the next ten years, and that is going to continue thereon. Personally I would think really carefully not just about what you want now, but what you want in the future. When you are his age he will be nearly 70.

MrsRogerLima · 06/12/2020 18:13

Your 28 op. You seriously do not need to be dating a guy who is old enough to be your dad 🤮

Life is too short. He will very soon be an old man. Do you really want to be 48 and with a 70 year old?

lifestooshort123 · 06/12/2020 18:29

I think the meeting on Tuesday is to 'move the talks forward'. Think about what went wrong and how it could be different as he's said there's no point carrying on if the original problems aren't resolved and I agree with him. On a separate issue, have a good think about whether you see him as 'the one' - do you both agree on children, living together, which way your careers would go? If the answer to any of these is no, you don't agree, then let him go as it wouldn't be fair to either of you to look on this as a bit of fun - he sounds as though he wants to settle down. Spend some time thinking properly about the future.

Original poster
Sothisischristmas1 · 06/12/2020 19:40

I hate how I've treated him because we have spent 2 nights together in 6 months! He has told me that he has been unhappy and I've just continually ignored him and went about my own life. I don't know what will happen on Tuesday but I do love him and I am willing to work out any issues we have.

The future is something I will talk about. He is established in his career, I am just starting out. We both want to live together one day... who knows, we just need to chat more. Thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:
lifestooshort123 · 06/12/2020 19:51

❤️

user1274245 · 06/12/2020 20:20

God, you're too young to put your life in the bin.

FestiveChristmasLights · 06/12/2020 20:27

So for the two years you were together you weren’t overly interested and now he has dumped you, you’ve changed your mind. Can’t you see it?

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