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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do..

20 replies

endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 14:01

...if you found your dh drunk in charge of your 1 year old at 11am in the morning? And then he fell down the stairs top to bottom and went to bed for 4 hours, on waking he didn't know he'd fallen and has no idea why you're so angry

I know this is really really bad but I need to hear it from someone else because
'You're making a mountain out of a molehill' 'this is your issue not mine' ' everything would be fine if you hadn't started on me ' god you're blowing it all out of proportion, nothing bad happened , no one died'

After much protest he has gone to stay at his mothers .

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 06/12/2020 14:12

Get your ducks in a row and seek the advice of a family/divorce lawyer.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 06/12/2020 14:14

Be very glad it was dh and not your dh falling...
I also had dealings with alcohol +dh. I reported him for drink driving once and filed for divorce the same week..
Yanbu to prioritise the safety of your dc.

grassisjeweled · 06/12/2020 14:14

You need to leave him.

Original poster
endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 14:17

@grassisjeweled agreed. Only he needs to do the leaving which he is being very stubborn about

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2020 14:24

I would tell him our marriage was over

I would tell him he is not welcome back at the house, tell his mum exactly why and tell her if she wishes to have a good relationship with her grandchild she needs to put him up and be on your side when it comes to him moving out

I would file for divorce formally as soon as possible

I would have no hesitation reporting him for anything he does like drink driving or harassment over the coming months

And I would have a massive cry of relief that it was him and not the little one who fell down the stairs

He sounds terrible, I'm glad he's not around today at least so you can get a plan together Thanks

Original poster
endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 14:49

He just rang very apologetic
Says this time has really shook him up and he's determined to sort himself out
I said I've heard this all before
Ringing the AA at least is something he has never tried before , they are meant to be giving him a call back today

OP posts:
user1274245 · 06/12/2020 14:53

Well, he can stay gone and sort himself out for his own benefit.

Somebody who he is only promising to change as a way to continue a relationship won't succeed.

NewNameNewJob · 06/12/2020 15:10

He can stay away until he's actually doing something constructive consistently - just ringing them isn't enough

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 06/12/2020 15:13

He needs to stay with his dm until you deem him safe to be around your dc.
AA isn't a quick fix cure.

NovemberR · 06/12/2020 15:16

I would make him leave. If he's so addicted to drink he can get that plastered whilst in charge of a baby then he needs serious and professional help.

And he needs to seek it away from his wife and child. What if he'd dropped the baby down the stairs instead of falling on his own? He put your child in serious danger, by being utterly incapable of saving them if they'd choked, if there had been a fire or some other emergency that required a sober adult to deal with it. And he could have cost them their life.

I'd be done.

Original poster
endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 15:27

@NovemberR that's what I just said to him
And I also said if I let that happen knowing he can't be trusted I'd be complicit

OP posts:
mycatlovesmenotyou · 06/12/2020 15:29

He has done the right thing in leaving, as your child's safety needs to be the number one priority.

The marriage doesn't have to be over, if he can acknowledge the problem and get counselling, but he has to want to stop drinking, nobody can do that for him.

He needs to stay at his parents for as long as it takes to sort himself out.

Aminuts23 · 06/12/2020 15:32

You’re right OP. You can’t allow him unsupervised around your DC now. That could have potentially been fatal!! Someone I knew fell down the stairs drunk and died. Your DC was in such danger. He needs to stay away and start addressing his problem

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2020 15:35

If he's really shaken up and really determined and really loves his child above anything else, he will move out while he seeks help and works hard on conquering his alcohol addiction. Nothing else is good enough and if he's serious he will agree with that.

And yes keep reminding yourself that from today forward, leaving your child with this man or having him live under the same roof with an addiction would make you complicit in damaging your child's welfare. And at worst, complicit in neglecting his needs.

I'm so sorry he's done this and in doing so made you have to be default 24/7 sole parent. Get his mum on side too, tell her EVERYTHING. Again, if he genuinely wants to seek help he will be happy for you to do that to show he is serious about changing.

Does she know what happened?

Original poster
endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 15:40

@youvegottenminuteslynn she does as I did something id never done before and I rang her and told her everything after he'd gone to bed

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2020 16:00

[quote endoftether51]@youvegottenminuteslynn she does as I did something id never done before and I rang her and told her everything after he'd gone to bed [/quote]
Good, that's brilliant and hopefully if she adores her grandchild she will understand that your absolute priority is that child. Your husband needs to do all of the work to get better away from home, IME it is almost impossible for addicts to recover while in their usual, comfortable surroundings with the same people who have been (usually with best intentions) enabling them or tolerating their bad behaviour. You must not let him back while he is battling this and AA / any decent treatment is a many months and typically years long process to get genuinely healthy again. I would be trying to think of yourself as a single parent from now on, to make this process a little less difficult for you (I appreciate that's not saying much) as you cannot be his rock / support/ cheerleader through this time. He needs to do this by himself and the good thing is he has his mother so can't play the blackmail card with you. Your child is your priority. I'm sorry this is happening. Also if you think he is driving while over the limit I would flag this to his mum and if you know when it's occurring I would report him. It's a terrible thing to do that could hurt innocent people Thanks

Shayisgreat · 06/12/2020 16:08

Fair play to you OP! I don't mean to sound patronising but in my line of work (social work) there are too many parents who minimise shitty parenting and you (imo) are behaving like a reasonable and responsible parent. A child should never be placed at risk because of his/her parent's alcohol use. If he doesn't even remember falling he was in no position to be able to calculate any potential risk to your child. Anything could have happened.

Original poster
endoftether51 · 06/12/2020 16:11

I honestly don't know how he's still alive
3 bottles of wine would put me in hospital

OP posts:
Badwill · 06/12/2020 16:59

That's so scary. Imagine your one yo was in his arms when he fell?! I would be ensuring he doesn't get unsupervised access to your child.

Audreyseyebrows · 06/12/2020 17:03

You’ve absolutely done the right thing.

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