How to handle this?

[flowersrain]

My ex recently broke up with me and, whilst I am having therapy to process the break up etc I am back online dating because I would like to meet someone to settle down with. I now understand why my ex was totally wrong for me, why I put up with bad behaviour, and what I want out of a future relationship.

So far all my dates have been absolutely DIRE and I am already tired of the guys who can't hold a conversation or only want sex. For a few weeks I have been talking to a guy every day from an app. He made it clear early on in the conversation that he recently came out of a 14 year relationship (he is 29) and so is really only the app to talk to girls/for friendship. Ordinarily in this situation I wouldn't have wasted my time continuing the conversation, but for some reason (lockdown boredom? Enjoying the conversation? A bit of both?) I continued to engage with him. We have both been very honest about our past relationships, where things went wrong and where we're at now. We have had in depth conversations and know a lot about each other.

So I was enjoying chatting to him. He suggested meeting for dinner (as friends) last night as the pubs around us are now open again and neither of us has anyone else to go with as all our friends are coupled up, so i agreed - if nothing else, I could make a new friend, right?

It went really well - we were there for 5 hours and I had a lovely time with him, and he wants to meet again. The conversation flowed and we already have 'in jokes' from the conversations we've had over message. He is clearly not over his ex though and harbours a lot of guilt around ending the relationship, although he has a had a rebound. He feels terrible for hurting her and the impact it has had on her family etc and is scared of hurting someone in that way again, hence not being ready to date yet.

He is very physically attractive, as well as a lovely person, and I am worried that I may end up falling for him. He text me later in the evening to say thank you and he put a kiss at the end of the message which he hasn't done before and already I can hear my stupid brain going 'ooh what does that mean? Is there potential here?'

How do I stop my brain from going down this route??? I will only end up sad that nothing happens seeing as he's not in the right place to be dating.

Youll be his rebound. Quite clearly as you know so much about his ex and their relationship. Why waste your own time?

@DianeChambers I don’t think I will be as he has already had a rebound and he ended it because it reminded him too much of his ex. I think he genuinely wants to be friends and that I will be the one wanting more

You can have more than one rebound.

Guys don't go on dating sites for friends.
You will end up as his therapist with sex.
By all means continue but be careful and keep dating others (which is ok until exclusive) so not all your energy is put on him.

Yeah no, this isn't going to work. You're not friends. You don't really want to be friends.

If he's "not ready to date", he shouldn't be trawling dating apps. But clearly that's not stopping him. He's after all the benefits of a girlfriend with the ability to hold his head dramatically and say "I'm just sooo damaged by my last breakup, you can't expect anything from me!!"

Do the sensible thing, op, and tell him to get in touch when he's ready to date.

Stop seeing him. He's being an arsehole, meeting women from dating sites with offering 'friendship' which I guarantee will turn into sex and dates whilst he continues dating other women because 'you're only friends'
Come on - he's looking for a replacement girlfriend without the commitment. He wants dates and in jokes and sex. You'll end up hurt.

You need to be independent, emotionally and financially.
A partner should enhance your life, you shouldn’t ‘need’ one.
And be careful that you’re not being used for sex by these men.

I don't know if I'm going to give you false hope here, but when I broke up with my ex (wasn't together 15 years but multiple years, childhood sweetheart etc) and started talking to someone I was very clear I wasn't ready for a relationship, was only open to friendship etc etc before we met. 10 years later we're happily married and have a DS... He did have to be a little patient with me at first, and it was slightly driven by him, but things just clicked that they never had with anyone else. I couldn't ever imagine a better life with anyone else now. I adore my husband and meeting him was the best thing that ever happened to me.

You handle it by sending him a polite message saying that further contact at the moment isn’t a good idea for several reasons, and wish him well for the future in getting over his ex. Then you block and put him out of your head. Otherwise I worry you will be talking to your therapist about 2 men instead of 1.

If the dating sites you are going on are free ones you will get a lot of men wanting just sex.

If you go on the ones you have to pay for the men on there are more likely to want a relationship because they have paid a lot to go on there. I met my husband to be on eharmony

These online men are clever aren't they? He's worked out that not only does he have your support and sympathy, he can do exactly what he likes. He wants the benefit of sex, companionship and a girlfriend basically but no commitment. However, the minute he meets someone he really likes all of that will be out of the window and he will be able to date properly, I learnt this the hard way. Dont be his 'for now' girl, either you're dating properly or you're not and move on.

Surely he's got friends already? You don't go on dating sites to meet friends.

You can't...you need to stop contact as it will only end with you getting hurt....he's one of those guys that's likes the idea of some perks of a relationship, i.e. someone to talk to to, go out for meals, spend time together etc but doesn't want an actual relationship, which he has been quite clear about...you will become attached to this guy and it well end in you being hurt...been there done that got the t-shirt...he didn't give two shits And I was heart broken

PPs are right. You'll be his therapist with sex thrown in. I doubt you'll be the only one, either. Throw this one back.

Avoid. He'll sleep with you or string you along till you develop feelings (for his ego) and then ditch you with 'well I told you I only wanted friends'. If he treated his ex like shit and tells you then he is telling you exactly who he still is. Even if he feels guilty, so what? He has had no time to go from the wanker that hurt her to a decent person.

Drop op. And run, fast.

Read up on narcissists and how to spot them as it sounds like various sorts of them may be gravitating your way.

@Aerial2020

Guys don't go on dating sites for friends. You will end up as his therapist with sex. By all means continue but be careful and keep dating others (which is ok until exclusive) so not all your energy is put on him.

This would be my ideal but it's so hard to find anyone to date!

@FippertyGibbett

You need to be independent, emotionally and financially. A partner should enhance your life, you shouldn’t ‘need’ one. And be careful that you’re not being used for sex by these men.

Do you have any idea how to do this? I am feeling quite needy at the moment as all my friends are in relationships and I'm not able to create a new, enjoyable life by going out and meeting people etc because of covid

@Littlepaws18

If the dating sites you are going on are free ones you will get a lot of men wanting just sex.

If you go on the ones you have to pay for the men on there are more likely to want a relationship because they have paid a lot to go on there. I met my husband to be on eharmony

I am planning on joining eHarmony but it seems like a bit of a waste of money at the moment as we can't really go on proper dates because of tier restrictions - I am thinking that fewer people will be on it right now because of this. What do you think?

@Aerial2020 @category12 @CodenameVillanelle @DeciduousPerennial @Mermaidwaves @amy85 @TwentyViginti @Bunnymumy thank you for the wake up call

@Dinosauraddict what a lovely story! Unfortunately I think that would only happen for me in my wildest dreams but I'm glad you found happiness

I don't agree that you just find men looking for sex on free dating sites. You just need to be very discerning about who you date and any sign of bullshit bin them off.
Eharmony has its fair share of wankers I'm sure.

@CodenameVillanelle ugh I literally despair. I have had so much bullshit and binned so many off already, it all seems hopeless.