Partner has just been arrested for drink driving

[Namechangegardens]

I am writing on here as don't want to wake my family at this ungodly hour but need to get this out somehow.

Partner of 8 years, mature nursing student, has multiple underlying mental health problems. We very very rarely drink, partly due to his unpredictable/risky behaviour when he drinks (though he has never got behind the wheel after a drink before).

Thought he was at his uni all day today working on an essay. Started to worry as time went on, his phone was off, knew something bad was coming then his mum phoned me at 1.30am to say he was in police custody. In all honesty this was a relief compared to the other scenarios I had cooked up in my 2 hour panic.

I dont know any details re. How intoxicated he is, how much he had (we are in Scotland so the limit is low, not that that is any excuse, I genuinely have no idea how much he might have had). He is clearly more unwell than he is letting on as we have spoken multiple times about how careless it is to drink drive.

He has an appointment with a psychologist this week after months on a waiting list, hoping this helps him. Not sure if his nursing career has gone to pot or whether they will make allowances.

Glad I got this out, I am dreading speaking to my family about it.

He knows his behaviour is risky when he drinks, yet he chose to do so when he had a car with him.

He’s lucky he didn’t kill or injure someone. I’m glad he’s okay, but I don’t think it’s right to blame his actions on poor MH. Plenty of people have MH difficulties and it doesn’t make them drink drivers.

I lost a close family member to a drink driver, it causes devastation in families.

no mental health difficulty makes you dive a car drunk!

Very strange he call his mum and not you. Also selfish as he’d know you are worried sick about him! And probably just needed to hear his voice.

Thank you for all the replies. Currently waiting for him to come home.

A few people were concerned he had phoned his mum instead of me - it wasn't him that phoned her, it was the police officer that had interviewed him. I don't know if he was allowed to make any calls, but my "MIL" didn't speak to him. The reason he chose his mum is more complex than I can explain in a message on this but essentially he knew that it was better for me to receive a call from his mum, and not from the police (when I saw his mums name on the phone, I knew he surely couldn't have died as how would she have the capacity to phone me). I have a tendency to jump to the worst conclusion when someone is late/havent heard from them etc, he knows that very well.

Yes I had thought about concerns re. him continuing nursing, I thought I had maybe mentioned that in my original post. We will discuss today, but I know he will contact NMC and uni on Monday. NMC declare on their website that it isn't a referrable offence
www.nmc.org.uk/ftp-library/understanding-fitness-to-practise/fitness-to-practise-allegations/criminal-convictions-and-cautions/criminal-offences-we-dont-investigate/
To be completely honest I am incredibly surprised that this is the case as I completely agree that it calls his professionalism into question and was such a dangerous thing to do.

As for it being a deal breaker for our relationship, life isn't that black and white for me (though I probably would have said the same about myself 24 hours ago).

An e-quaintance of mine was banned for 18 months for driving. She was worried she would loose her job. She didn,t but it made it quite difficult for her. She is driving now. So many people are over the limit and don,t realise or just risk it thinking, I,m fine.

There’s a lot of minimising going on here. Mental health issues don’t make you drink drive as others have said. I’d be more concerned about the fact that he could have killed or injured someone or himself rather than if he’s going to get away with it regarding nursing training. Talking about allowances possIbly being made. It all seems a bit entitled and arrogant. I think drink driving should be punished more harshly than it is and that if you’re in certain positions including nursing, you should lose your job.
A relative of mine was killed by a drink driver, I wouldn’t want to be treated by a medical professional who had been convicted of it. They should be saving lives not endangering them.

Well that’s good it’s no longer a referrable nmc offence, it used to be. But yes, he must still tell the university. For one thing when he’s banned it could cause trouble with getting to placement.

Well that’s good it’s no longer a referrable nmc offence

It’s really not. More standards being lowered.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze
I can only agree with you.

The relationship would be over for me too. Through my work, I’ve seen the consequences of drunk driving far too many times - injuries, death, devastated families. Driving whilst drunk is despicable and unbelievably selfish, not something excused by mental health really.

It always amazes me that it’s something people are still so willing to minimise and make excuses for. At least he will be guaranteed a driving ban.

That midwife got to keep her job after hitting a 17 year old and almost killing him. Hopefully his career will be fine.

Best of luck OP

Drink driving is not a symptom of a mental illness.

Symptom of being an irresponsible drink driving arsehole though.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

Well that’s good it’s no longer a referrable nmc offence

It’s really not. More standards being lowered.

Well quite. When I said good I meant for the OP and her partner on a personal level.

The midwife who was in the paper recently for hitting the 17yo in the car did not keep her job. She had her registration suspended so she can’t work as a midwife during this period. She has lost her job. She can apply for jobs once her suspension is up.

Just posting an update. I really appreciate the support and also 100% understand the other responses too, I feel the same and will be very measured in my next paragraph, as I in no way condone what happened.

He was very drunk after joining some friends at the union and does not remember making the decision to get behind the wheel of the car, his plan was to get a bus home and he doesn't know where that plan went wrong. Thankfully he didn't make it far before he was stopped. It doesn't bare thinking what could have happened otherwise and I am by no means trivialising it. Nor is he, he is absolutely distraught and extremely ashamed of his actions.

I am not even remotely expecting sympathy towards him, he made a stupid and wreckless decision and will pay the consequences. I am just so glad that no one was hurt.

Thanks again.

I do feel for you OP. I just have zero sympathy for anyone that drinks and drives. I never believe when people say they don’t remember getting behind the wheel, it’s a way of getting out of any responsibility.
Anyway, this is a very emotive subject for me so it’s probably not helpful for me or you for me to comment further. He needs to take responsibility for this. You have done nothing wrong so I’m sorry that his actions have affected you. Just don’t help him minimise what he has done. Very best wishes.

Thanks @BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze
I'm sorry I glanced over the posts earlier but didn't take them all in, I am really sad to hear that happened to your relative, that is something no one should have to go through. Best wishes to you too.

He is absolutely distraught and extremely ashamed of his actions

They very often are, once caught; I wonder if he'd have been quite so distraught if he'd got away with it?

I've every sympathy for you, OP, but for me the "don't know where the plan to get a bus went wrong" simply wouldn't be good enough ... unless his MH issues mean he really doesn't have capacity, in which case what's he doing on a nursing course?

The relationship would absolutely be over for me. Do you feel you want to stay with him OP? He could have killed someone, or himself, or injured someone, or himself. If he was that out of it I'm sure he would have given someone a lift had they asked. Had he then crashed the car (a very likely outcome for someone that out of it they have no recollection) causing serious injury or death and he would be going to prison for a long time. I just couldn't be with someone so selfish.

What was the alcohol reading I wonder, if he was that pissed he doesn’t remember.

Your DP isn't alone in accident getting behind when utterly pissed and forgetting the were going to get a cab/bus instead. They also had been so pissed they didn't remember.

As you say it's a huge relief he was caught so quickly before any incidence had happened.

Tough times ahead for you