Can we move past this?

[MiDW]

I’m not sure where we go from here. The last few months have been punctuated by angry outbursts which DH today has explained stems from a feeling of humiliation that he has which stems from an incident before we got married when I cheated on him. He says he’s buried it for years but it’s come to the fore because he feels he has to beg me for sex which too feels humiliating. It’s true that I’m often too tired for sex. We’ve have primary aged children and juggling work etc through the lockdown has been exhausting. I love him and our family unit. In many respects things are perfect but I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and for him our sex life is an issue. He said today he will be celibate from now on so as not to feel he’s a sex pest. Yet I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage.

Any words of wisdom?

As unromantic as it sounds, could you agree a ‘sex night’? Say you set aside Sunday evening, or whenever, then no-one has to beg?
Obviously if someone’s I’ll, or really not up for it, then it doesn’t happen, but allocating some time in your week might help.

He needs to find a way to deal with his emotions without exploding/outbursts as that’s not okay. But if you never initiate sex and often decline when he does then he’s being sensible by taking it off the table. If he means that. It’s unfair of you to expect him to be the one to suggest it if you often say no.

You need help communication. Have you talked about some marriage counselling?

Tbh it sounds like he's using the cheating incident as a stick to beat you with, in order to guilt you into sex, which is not sexy at all.

The "I'm going to be celibate now to avoid being a sex pest" is also a melodramatic, emotional blackmailing, manipulative tactic.

I would take a step back and think about how much treading on eggshells you do.

Is he thinking, "You are willing to have sex with other men, but not me?" Is that his train of thought?

It seems like he would just call it a day on your relationship if he can't cope with what you did. Instead he has decided to torment you. So, now the ball is in your court to make a decision.

This sounds so unhealthy

Yes, you cheated on him, but he decided to forgive you and stay in the relationship. He doesn’t get to hold it against you forever. It would be the same situation if it was a woman who got cheated on - either you move past it, or you can’t and so you leave. I’m guessing this wasn’t recent and happened at least 5 years ago?

This definitely sounds like him trying to guilt you into sex. It’s an ultimatum but dressed up in him being a “nice guy”, really he wants to force your hand.

Realistically sex should just be spontaneous and not scheduled in, especially if at the time of the “meeting” you don’t want to.

Thanks for replying. An agreed ‘sex night’ could work despite the fact that the scheduling makes it seem a bit like a chore. I think I’m worried it’s too late for that. Today’s conversation and the bringing up of things that happened more than a decade ago (and which I can’t change) makes me think it’s more than just the sex. He says he feels I hold the power in the relationship and have the final say on decisions (not just around sex but other stuff, holidays etc) and is emasculated by this. I don’t think that’s quite fair as consciously or unconsciously he often sets the parameters around what we as a family do, don’t do etc. I certainly don’t feel I just do what I want all the time, and when I push on things it’s usually within a set of constraints that he’s imposed.

Not sure about marriage counseling. We do talk and perhaps both have a tendency to over analyse things so I’m not sure further talking, together would help really.

Sorry cross posted with a couple of messages there. Thanks again. It’s helpful to hear outside views.

It sounds like the dynamic has become toxic and that's incredibly hard to come back from. I think it might be best to accept that you've both tried to make it work but unfortunately it isn't working and it's time to call it a day. Or this sounds like it has the potential to get even more toxic and when sex becomes a battleground it's really hard to move past because it's an area in a relationship where compromise often feels like coercion in a sense, as both parties should always be enthusiastic about wanting to have sex with each other.

Do you think he's projecting? If he controls much of the relationship, perhaps he's kicking off because this is one aspect of the relationship that he doesn't control, yet. If this is true, then agreeing a sex night is just kicking the can along the road.

Best believe he would hold it against you if you don’t want sex on sex night!

Ah I think my comment about constraints has been misread. He’s not controlling but has a set of likes and dislikes that I try to work within. I think this year things may have come to a head as it’s brought to light the different attitudes to risk and so some things I pushed for us to do as a family were beyond his comfort zone. Plus we’ve both been wfh so spending that much more time together...

What would he say if you told him you felt that in that case you felt the marriage was over.

That throwing things in your face from a decade ago and deciding to punish you with no sex ever means that you think it best if you go your separate ways?

Is this what he wants? Why does he get to unilaterally decide how your marriage is going to work?

If the marriage is to continue, tell him he needs to seek counselling.

If you feel like your sex drive has dropped, it might be beneficial for you to investigate that too. Albeit that would be for a normal marriage without the context of yours!

Man takes the hump because tired mother of 2 primary DC is not up for as much sex as she was pre DC. That's basically where you are at, with the added lumping in of blame he's throwing at you, because he can - well that's a big backfire that's not going to get the result he wants, ie more sex. Neither are the outbursts helping. What does help, is, well, help really. Help with the DC. If you are more tired than he is, then that shows he's not doing enough for the family. There's no bigger turn off than being left to sort the DC out on your own, and especially when angry outbursts are hampering your ability to get on with things. Likewise, a partner who is very involved in DC's care and pulls his weight and more, becomes more attractive. So, I think it comes down to how you feel he has measured up since the DC came along, if he's fallen short, tell him that's why you are turned off.

Sorry, I’m knackered and skipped over the bit about the outbursts. That doesn’t sound like healthy communication which is what’s needed if you are to ever move forward.

Think you need couples counselling. He was pretending he was over your affair and he is clearly not

He does help around the house and with the kids, no complaints in that regard. In fact he would perhaps say he does more with regard to housework, I’m not sure. I think I just feel like what we have is not enough, we’ve lost some of the fun and all of the spontaneity. I did say last night that I thought the marriage was over and this morning that I would look in the new year to find a place for me and the children. I guess I was trying to provoke him but he pushed back and said that he would be the one to leave. Now after a shower he has apologized, but I still feel really teary. There have been things said that I’m not sure I can just move in from. It’s just made me think everything til now has been a lie. Has he ever been truly happy with me?

We move forward on the basis that we broadly understand what it is we are moving forward into.

If things aren’t turning out that way then revisiting the basis of earlier decisions is inevitable.

It seems like you’re both in this situation and your current problems are actually a fundamental incompatibility that is now being exposed by the burden / blessing of young children.

It doesn’t seem like it’s coming solely from one side and I’d doubt it’s really that much to do with anything that happened before you were married.

Your observation that you work within his unconscious parameter setting whilst exercising your final say is a very interesting way of putting things.

It’s not clear whether the suggested activities he found uncomfortable went ahead this year or not.

I would highly recommend a good couples counsellor if you can find one and you’re both prepared to engage with it fully and openly.

I wonder if he has really forgiven you for cheating.

Maybe he feels emasculated and angry with himself because he felt he couldn’t end things back then.

Maybe he feels you settled and have never really fancied him and the current lack of sex in his mind proves he was right.

Maybe he thinks you are cheating again hence why you dont want sex

Who knows. Counselling might help him help work through whatever is troubling him and couples counselling for both of you.

His narrative of 'poor man emasculated because of cheating' definitely sits better than 'angry man trying to guilt his tired wife into sex she doesn't want'. I can see why he's pushing that narrative.

Is there enough left of the good to work hard on the bad? It doesn't sound like it.

This sounds a little bit like the rewriting of history that goes along with a cheating spouse..... although I think though that you're getting a lot if responses based on a little bit of information from your point of view.... How much sex do you actually have? If I was having much less sex with my husband over an extended length of time that would make me unhappy as well. A lot of women place their relationship/sex last on the pile after work and kids and then act surprised when it all starts to disintegrate. All relationships need attention to survive.

So does he have to almost beg for sex? Do you make him feel like a sex pest for wanting a normal sex life?

He should not be bringing up bad events from the past, this is an entirely negative approach which is guaranteed to undermine your relationship. One of the hallmarks of a successful LTR is the ability to keep bad things in the past and not allow them to intrude into the present. And another hallmark of a successful LTR is a mutually satisfactory sex life. It's difficult when you have small DC but not impossible, you have to make time for it and prioritise as you would for, say, cooking or washing. I know that makes it sound like an unromantic chore but it's better than no sex. We didn't get as far as pre arranged sex nights when our DC were young but we did agree that we should not go longer than a week without. And sometimes it did seem an unromantic chore. But now, many years later, I look back on that as one of the best decisions we ever made, it kept the spark alive and sex creates an intense feeling of closeness to my DW which, for me anyway, is hard to replicate in any other way.

As others have said, you need to talk, but he needs to stop digging up the past and you need to consider how to get your sex life back on track.