Advice for couples counselling

[Probablynotthebestidea]

Looking for some advice on how to approach couples counselling. Have our first session next week. I have organised it and am surprised he wants to go but he has said he will.

I want to make it work but am feeling very nervous as one of the issues in the relationship is that I get blamed for everything.

His latest thing is that all issues are the result of me struggling with lockdown (obviously lockdown isn’t great but I’m as ok). I’m worried he will start with that and then it’ll all be about that which I don’t think is true (or at the very least isn’t the whole story).

Basically worried he will use it as another way to put me down, blame me...

I’m not against addressing my behaviour and what I can change but I’m worried he will be able to make that the only focus.

Any advice please?

Basically worried he will use it as another way to put me down, blame me...

There is no point having joint therapy with someone like that. That's what he'll do.

What are the issues that led you to wanting to try counselling? What else does he do besides blaming you for his behaviour?

So from my point of view, I would say the issues are his consistently putting himself first, lack of effort, the blaming, him never apologising.

I guess I was hoping he might listen to me if someone else was there, rather than just saying its me being tired/stressed/not coping with lockdown/generally a horrible person. I have been trying hard to fix things, but I can’t fix it by myself.

I hoped maybe a counsellor would see through things...

The trouble with someone who behaves that way is that joint therapy is just another opportunity to manipulate a third party into validating that everything is your fault.

If you've been trying to fix things alone all this time and this is how he's behaving it's not really indicative of a fixable situation.

By trying to fix things, do you mean trying to contort yourself to avoid triggering the blame and accusations? Or something else?

It is never recommended that you do joint therapy with an abuser for this very reason (you may not want to think of him as abusive but be aware, blaming you for everything is common abuser begaviour). They will only use it as a further tool to make you feel like shit.

I'd cancel the joint therapy and get individual therapy. Hopefully it will bring you strength and clarity about what treatment you should not be tolerating from anyone let alone a partner who hs supposed to love you.

As pp said, couples counciling is pointless if one never cannot admit any fault.

*if one cannot

Hi op, we're in couples counselling right now and it's really helped us. The counselling has taken us through our family/personal history to help us both see why we act /react to things the way we do. It shouldn't be possible for him to take over and make the counselling about whatever his point of view is, so don't worry about that.
Wishing you luck, I hope it helps. It has really helped us.

I disagree with the pp. I don’t think there’s no point. Sometimes just having an outside perspective, or even onlooker, can change things, it’s worth a try.

I think it’s very helpful to focus on how the behaviour makes you feel rather than whether it is right or wrong. So “when you do x I feel y”. That is harder to argue with than “when you do x it’s wrong” , which can just end up with a battle of wits (even if you are right!)

No other advice sorry but I hope it goes well.

To be honest I’d give the counselling a go as they’re trained to manage both people in the room and share the time and the space equally. They’re not allowed to work with abuse itself but some behaviour like you’re describing CAN become abusive but are not in themselves abusive in all scenarios. The counsellor should ask you both what you’re looking to gain through the work and just be open and honest. Good luck.

Pretty much... trying to avoid disagreeing with him on anything, trying to support him more. More recently trying to have conversations about the issues.

I used to get quite angry (mainly after not being listened to/being blamed/the silent treatment) and he would always say the issue was my temper. I have had counselling on my own and really tried to address that.

But now he just says other things, like I’m not coping with lockdown to deflect instead.

Oops, disagree with the first reply, xposted sorry

I do feel i have to try it. We have kids and i we separate I need to have done everything I can to make it work

But op do you really think its healthy to raise kids in an environment where their mother cant disagree with their father about anything without being shat on?

If anything 'for the kids' is the reason you should walk away.

Hopefully the councillor will be able to take you aside and tell you his behaviour isnt on and that will give you the push you need to say enough is enough.

What you’ve described in your most recent comment is the sunken costs fallacy and that causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. If counselling is further needed here then you should do that on your own. You are not emotionally safe enough to embark on any joint sessions and besides which it’s not your issue anyway but his. It’s his behaviour towards you that has caused you to become angry, not your own self. He still has the vast amount of power and control in this relationship as well and he will not want to relinquish any of that. I do not feel these sessions will go at all well for you because he will dominate them and further manipulate the counsellor just like you have been manipulated by him.

Staying really and solely for the sake of the children never works out all that well because it teaches the children that your relationship is based on a lie. It also places a terribly heavy burden upon them and one they will not thank you for.

For an abuser too, it’s always the other persons fault and never theirs. He is still refusing to take any responsibility for his actions.

Have you read the book by Lundy called

"Why does he do that?"

I really think it would open your eyes a lot.

Thanks for all your thoughts. I have ordered the Lundy book so thanks for the recommendation.

To be honest I think i know counselling probably wont work and im putting off the inevitable.

I think more than anything I’m strugging with coming to terms with no being able to see my kids everyday. Some sort of shared residence will be best for them but it still breaks my heart.