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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ghosted by two friends- so upset!

22 replies

moita · 05/12/2020 16:11

Long story short: moved to a new area 2.5 years ago. Met two fellow SAHMS through toddler groups and built up good friendships (I thought).

Since Covid hit the contact has been on and off. I thought it was understandable as we are all struggling to adjust, plus some are being more careful than others.

However I found out recently they have been meeting up (following rules) together with their kids...just not with me!

I feel quite hurt. Not sure what I've done wrong and meet up suggestions go ignored.

How do people deal with this? I know I need to be a grown up and move on but these friendships meant a lot and both my kids ask why we don't see the other children.

Man, this hurts!

OP posts:

MaelyssQ · 05/12/2020 16:18

Christ that's not nice at all. I would confront them (virtually) and ask what the heck you have done wrong.

Original poster

moita · 05/12/2020 16:23

Thank you. Feels good to rent!

OP posts:

mcmooberry · 05/12/2020 16:33

I would feel awful about this too so don't blame you.
I wouldn't advise asking them what you have done wrong as you haven't done anything wrong although I might not be able to stop myself saying something about it now you have found out. There will be other and hopefully stronger friendships made when your children go to school. You will feel better about this in a few days I promise you.

Buzzer3555 · 05/12/2020 16:39

Yes that would hurt me too. I am not sure I would say anything to them. I would probably do so in my head but not dare approach them. Sorry not much help but sending you a hug

OhDearMuriel · 05/12/2020 16:41

This is what people do I'm afraid it really isn't that uncommon.

Don't ask them why as it will achieve absolutely nothing.

As horrible as it is, concentrate on finding new nicer genuine friends.

Original poster

moita · 06/12/2020 20:11

Thank you all. I'm leaving it for now.....we're possibly going into tier 3 and cases here are rising so not interested in meeting up even outside right now! Do feel sad.

OP posts:

HolyBuckets · 06/12/2020 20:14

Are they closer friends than you are with them? Or do their kids get in better?

FestiveChristmasLights · 06/12/2020 20:16

We’re you genuinely ghosted or is it a case that two adults could only meet up during lockdown and they did that and then made plans each time they met up for another meet up, which couldn’t include you due to the restrictions?

If you message do they reply or just blank you? And do their children get on better or is yours more energetic?

strangertimes · 06/12/2020 22:14

I had this happen to me. I still have no idea what I did wrong. There’s nothing you can do. I said something and they turned on me viciously. Don’t say anything. Be bright and breezy. Invest in other friendships. I’m only starting to find my feet as I was so upset by it. I think some people just don’t care and find it easy to make friends.

Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 03:36

This happened to me as well. They did me a favour actually as we had nothing in common apart from having children the same age. They were gossips and bitchy about other mums, and I found their conversation tedious, but I did not expect them to turn on me. At the time I was upset, but not for long.

Wiredforsound · 07/12/2020 04:05

Friendships made because of your kids rather than any real common interests can be very fickle and they ebb and flow as kids move through their education. It’s likely that they’re not deliberately snubbing you; they just live closer/have more in common with each other/have other kids of similar ages...there could be any number of reasons. As others have suggested, be friendly, bright and breezy, and invest in new friendships. Once your kids are at school, doing after school activities, and developing their own friendships, your circle would probably have changed anyway. It sucks, but it’s not unusual.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2020 04:19

I have dog walking friends, who are now more friends with each other than with me. They met through me. They are more alike and obviously recognise this. They enjoy very everyday conversation about the kids and the weather when I like brain expansion conversations and to discuss politics etc. I found out by chance when bumping into them they were meeting when only 2 people were allowed to walk together. To add to the complexity I am often too ill to walk or to walk far at all so it does hurt they never chose me. They haven’t bothered about me much since my last surgery, which stings so they’ve taken a big step back from me since the friendship grew during lockdown.

I would try not to take this personally. Your friends are probably more alike and were adhering to the rule of 6 by the sound of it. You can still be friends though. You will also meet other friends along the way. Friendships wax and wane. And they are often for a specific purpose. Not many last a lifetime.

Gifgif · 07/12/2020 04:32

That's disappointing for you when you thought they were nice.

I'd be ultra breezy when you see them. Apologise for not being in touch - you've been so busy but you'll give them a call - and then disappear and leave them wondering what you're busy with.

Girlzroolz · 07/12/2020 04:54

Have there been clashes between your kids and theirs at all? Do you have any quite different child-rearing policies to them, like ‘no sugar’ or stricter discipline ideas?

That sort of thing can certainly be a factor with group meetups. It needn’t be very serious or obvious clashes for it to just feel easier to avoid. It’s hard enough chatting in full sentences while supervising little ones. It’s possible it’s the dynamic that they are excluding, rather than you personally.

Especially with the complication of Covid, I’m finding lots of people shrugging and taking the easier/self-interest route which is quite rude. They just don’t seem to have the energy for complex scenarios or conversations.

Whatever is at the root of it, I feel for you OP. It can be very hurtful to find yourself on the outer like this.

Friendsoftheearth · 07/12/2020 06:16

Make some new friends in the new year.

That is very hurtful and unnecessary, they could have invited you. Three never works with friendships, even adult ones. Two will always be closer and the third one will feel left out.

I would let them get in touch with you, and let them go in time probably, it does not sound like it is worth the grief.

shesellsseashells99 · 07/12/2020 06:24

How many of them are there all together? Are they a 6 and they have just enjoyed some walks together? Do you ever suggest meeting up with them?

shesellsseashells99 · 07/12/2020 06:26

@shesellsseashells99

How many of them are there all together? Are they a 6 and they have just enjoyed some walks together? Do you ever suggest meeting up with them?

Sorry, just read your meet up suggestions go ignored. Didn't read that bit!

footprintsintheslow · 07/12/2020 06:35

Did you ever get a sense they had more in common with each other?

Would you feel able to say "can I hang out next time too?"

Or you quietly walk away?

pilates · 07/12/2020 06:46

Sad as it is I would take the hint. You can’t force people to meet up with you.

KatherineJaneway · 07/12/2020 06:53

I have had this happen to me and it really hurts. Hurt even more as I introduced them!

There is nothing you can do. They have clearly bonded more closely and nothing you can do will change that

Itsnotagazebo · 07/12/2020 08:11

Have they actually ghosted you or have they reduced their social bubble in accordance with rules?

I think in some tiers you can meet with 1 other adult. If that's what they are doing it doesn't mean you are ghosted. They may have been close friends prior to you meeting them. It's not nice being the 'third part'. It hurts but it doesn't mean you are ghosted. Have you been in contact with them much or has it been a complete cut off?

Cantspeakpublic · 07/12/2020 22:43

Had the same. Met a friend in a baby group met up throughout and for next child. Friends all through me moving away for 2 years she visited i thought we were true friends. Over 10 years then nothing!
I’m still so hurt and don’t understand why. I have send messages and even posted thinking of you card through her door..
My kids are so upset they were so close to the kids.
It’s horrible isn’t it

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