Why am I like this?!

[FuckThisBullshit]

I've been in love three times in my life, the first two treated me absolutely abysmally towards the end and the third was good to me but just wouldn't give me enough priority so although it broke me I put self respect first and ended it. So all three men are in the past. The thing is, when I go through a break up... it absolutely and completely fucking destroys me. I'm not talking grab a tub of ice cream and get the girls round to listen to Adele. I'm not talking cry a bit then throw myself on Tinder to jump on the first cock available. I'm talking absolutely kills me. It's just pathetic. Out goes the food, in comes the fags, drinking a bit too much, I don't see anyone, I shut myself away, my weight hits rock bottom, night terrors, walking around looking like a crackhead for months on end. My parents go out of their minds with worry. It's just off the scale. Even when that part is finally over and I'm "normal" again it affects me for years afterwards as if it's PTSD or something. I'm unable to visit anywhere that I went with them, there are certain songs I can't hear without feeling terrible, I shake if I bump into them. The last one went tits up in February and I'm still totally heartbroken though thankfully past the aforementioned crackhead phase.

I don't do casual dating (can you tell?!) But I also don't jump into relationships head first like some desperate singleton. Three men in 36 years... it's very rare for me to get involved with anyone at all so when I do it's huge for me. I take it slowly with anyone, it's always been friendship first and build a foundation etc. But once I love that's it, they are like family to me and when I lose them... fuck me! Even though I know they're not worth it and I'm always thinking "fuck sake it's only a bastard man get a grip!" The thing is I don't even ask for that much when I'm in a relationship, I don't need to see them every day and I don't need loads of this or that. I don't make it my main thing in life. I'm not clingy or draining or possessive. I've always loved my own company and space, I'm independent. I'm usually pretty level headed, I'm the one friends come to for advice. I have my own house, job, friends, life. I know I'm not defined by being in a relationship and that a man isn't the centre of my world. For the record I've retired now and am staying on my own as I just can't put myself through any more of it.

But why am I so incapable of dealing with break ups and able to just heal in six months like everyone else?

Have you ever had any therapy? Maybe you should look into it.

I don't think that reaction is all that unusual. My beak up before DH absolutely destroyed me. I lost three stone, competitively under ate, cried all the time, for months on end. Don't feel too bad, break ups are horrible!

Therapy therapy therapy.

You poor thing, it sounds like you've experienced huge trauma around break ups so I would invest in some therapy around this issue before you are open to dating again.

First of all..... You sound brilliant. Funny charming and articulate.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I think a lot of people can relate to parts of what you said. Breakups are fucking awful. I've never felt so low in my life than when I've been dumped!

There was another time I've never told anyone about in real life as it was so utterly pathetic. I went on ONE FUCKING DATE with someone, he really wanted to see me again but I wasn't into him so I said thanks but no thanks, but we swapped numbers as we got on so well. Over a two week period he lovebombed me and I ended up realising I really wanted a second date but by the time I said anything it was too late and he ghosted me. I was absolutely gutted and although it wasn't Crackhead Time I kicked myself for the rest of the year thinking what if I chucked away the love of my life? Then EIGHT MONTHS later I looked him up on Facebook and saw a picture of him with his beautiful new girlfriend. You guessed it... Crackhead Time for a good month or two. I mean... what the fuck was that about?

How old are you and do you have children?
I like the book by John Gray.
How to get what you want and want what you have.
He talks about having different things to fulfil.
It sounds as if for some reason you have low self esteem. Did something happen in Yr child hood?

What was your childhood like? In terms of relationship models and attachments?

And what does "abysmally" mean re the two relationships ?

Over a two week period he lovebombed me and I ended up realising I really wanted a second date but by the time I said anything it was too late and he ghosted me. I was absolutely gutted

The bit that puzzles me about this is that you recognise you were lovebombed but don't seem to recognise that the only reason you wanted another date or felt "gutted" was because you'd been emotionally manipulated? It was a lucky escape.

36, no kids or desire to have them. Know my worth and don't take any shit (after Dickhead 1 and Dickhead 2) but at the same time never feel good enough for anyone. My childhood was extremely loving and secure, I can only presume when romantic relationships don't provide the same security it absolutely kicks the living shit out of me.

@user1274245 I call it love bombing now looking back. At the time I just thought he was really sweet

Look up CPTSD and toxic relationships.