One of my children doesn’t want to see his Dad

[Grittlelayrabbit]

3 kids, all primary age, their Dad left the marital home a few months ago and is sharing with a relative until he buys/rents. The children don’t like going to his current place, but one of them is very allergic to cats and there are cats at the house. Whenever he has been his skin and asthma flares up and he also is very unsettled, so now he’s decided he isn’t going. I spoke to my ex and asked could they do something else other than go back to his current house, which is an hours’ drive away. I suggested open air museum, trampoline park, country park, seaside. All “no.” And he said if he doesn’t want to come then he won’t see him.
Ex is much closer to one of my other children and will focus on him anyway, which I loathe, so leaving this one at home, just exacerbated this.
I’m disappointed but not surprised about my ex’s inflexible attitude. But I’m also sad for my little boy. And from a selfish point of view I wouldn’t mind a break! Ex only has them for the afternoon every other weekend, and they don’t do over nights.

Should I force my son to go? How do I handle this legally? My thoughts are to formalise EVERYTHING as my ex is such a slippery arse but I’m not sure what to say to the solicitor.

No, I wouldn't make your ds go, it's unhealthy for him and regularly triggering his allergic reaction isn't safe.

Your ex is an asshole. but that's why he's an ex, presumably.

I'm not sure what you'd hope to achieve with court?

This us not a “my child doesn’t want to go because is bored, doesn’t like xyz or wants to stay at home” he doesn’t want to go because going is making him ill.

Of course you don’t force your kid (of even the dad). Being neglected and ignored on every contact is very very damaging to your child. Of course you don’t force him to go and thank your starts you don’t have to fight the selfish dad to protect your child.

Tank your stars

Jesus! thank your stars.

By the way, I don’t know what you can say to the solicitor but I know what he/she will tell you: You cannot force dad to have contact if he doesn’t want to.

Of course do not force him to go if it makes his allergies that bad! That can’t be an option

His dad is a dick, clearly, and I want to ensure that I’m protecting myself in case he ever tries anything stupid like attempting to get them (or one or two of them) to live with him in a new house etc. I don’t want him accusing me of parental alienation- even though that’s what he has been warned about in the past. I’ve found that he doesn’t take notice of me at all, except for when it’s in black and white via his solicitor.

I think I also want some form of documentation that the only contact he was willing to have with his own child, was that which would make the child unwell. And still took his siblings.

I can assure you that every abusive neglectful parent whose kids don’t want to see them will accuse you about parental alienation. But Normally this doesn’t bear much weight in court ( proving it is not as simple as saying you are putting the kids against the ex) but if you want to protect yourself, take DS to the doctor when his asthma gets worse and make sure you mention that there are cats at dad house so it goes on the record.

And keep a record, no emotion or interpretation, just write how he comes from contact ie. “5/12/20, face puffed, needed inhaler x times over night” The court will pay attention to the record as they are trying to see if there is a pattern of neglect in his behaviour rather than isolated non serious incidents.

... and as unfair as it is, it is horrible for a kid to see a parent preferring other siblings above them, he may be better staying with you not experiencing that.

Don’t make him go , if it comes to it if the child is old enough to say I don’t want to go , he’s old enough to tell a social worker ( or whoever) that he didn’t go because the cats make him ill and his dad wouldn’t meet elsewhere .

Not only should you not make him go, you should actively be preventing it - it's really unhealthy for him. Ignore the abusive fuckwit - drop him an email outlining his options, then protect your son.

I think you should move to email/texting as forms of communication with him. That way you can keep everything and be able to back up your side.

I would email him something along the lines of "after our conversation yesterday, I just want to clarify ds2 doesn't want to visit your home as last time he had allergic reaction to the cats with resulting symptoms (x and y). I don't feel I can force him to visit your house when he gets so ill - you need to find an alternative to taking him into an environment with allergens, or work on reducing the allergens in the home so he can be safe & comfortable when you have contact. I am very happy for you to take him out and have access, but not to take him into an unsafe environment."