Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How to support a DP with depression

17 replies

Tropicana218 · 05/12/2020 10:40

He says he's had it for years before I got with him and not to take it personally.

I know it's not to do with me and not my fault but I admit sometimes I do wonder if it's that i'm just not the one for him.

However I'm sure that's irrational on my part.

He's taking medication and is in talks for CBT, I try my best to be supportive and to just be there.

He's worried it will drag me down too, and it won't, I just feel a bit helpless sometimes.

I try to encourage him to eat well, exercise and give him a lot of support and encouragement to try boost his confidence.
Any other advice ? Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Tropicana218 · 05/12/2020 10:43

I think sometimes you hear those stories of 'I was down for ages but meeting X person changed my life' or 'I've never been happier' etc.
He says I have been a fantastic support to him.

OP posts:

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 05/12/2020 10:46

Ime beware of becoming his dm /carer /doormat.
My exh struggled with both depression and being a twat.
Fine line sometimes.

Original poster

Tropicana218 · 05/12/2020 10:47

I'm more than happy to listen to him and support him, he does to me too and I think that's what a relationship is for, but indeed I am not his therapist or anything of the sort.
He can be a bit irritable sometimes I admit, but is great otherwise.

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 10:54

Is he really ready to be in a relationship until he can get a proper handle on his depression? It's good that he is taking responsibility and engaging with professional help, but you seem to be in mummy mode;

I try to encourage him to eat well, exercise and give him a lot of support and encouragement to try boost his confidence.

This can become very draining over time. As grown man, he should know these things help counter depression himself (eating well, exercise). As for boosting his confidence - fine, but don't lose sight of your wants and needs in a relationship.

A relationship cannot be equal if one partner is the designated fixer of the other partner.

FippertyGibbett · 05/12/2020 10:57

My advice, as someone who has been through this, would be to walk away now and absolutely do not have children with him.

user1274245 · 05/12/2020 10:58

How new is this relationship?

I think sometimes you hear those stories of 'I was down for ages but meeting X person changed my life' or 'I've never been happier' etc.

I think that is a dangerous basis for you to be continuing a potentially problematic relationship that is already positioning you as rescuer/carer rather than partner.

Getting involved with someone because you want the validation and emotional high of rescuing them is unhealthy.

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 10:58

My exh struggled with both depression and being a twat.
Fine line sometimes.

Absolutely! I've seen this both in a former work role (MH support worker) and with friends with depressed partners who were also twats but with a get out card.

Original poster

Tropicana218 · 05/12/2020 10:58

You are right. He supports me too though, i've had bouts of low confidence and he has given me lots of support.
We had a chat about it and I admit I had started to take it personally, but I know it's not to do with me and not my fault.
I will be wary of doing too much, and make sure my needs are not neglected.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tropicana218 · 05/12/2020 11:01

I'm not with him because I want some high or validity.
I said that hearing things like that made me take it personally as I wondered if he may be happier with somebody else.
I will continue to be there but no, I can't fix him, there's no such thing.
He needs to keep going with the professional help he's seeking.
But no, it's not me or my fault.

OP posts:

category12 · 05/12/2020 11:10

@user1274245

How new is this relationship?

I think sometimes you hear those stories of 'I was down for ages but meeting X person changed my life' or 'I've never been happier' etc.

I think that is a dangerous basis for you to be continuing a potentially problematic relationship that is already positioning you as rescuer/carer rather than partner.

Getting involved with someone because you want the validation and emotional high of rescuing them is unhealthy.

This ^.

It feels like you want to be this miracle in his life, but that's not real life. "Being down" is not the same as clinical depression.

This is likely a lifelong MH condition for him, as you say he has already had it for many years.

You really need to stop and consider if living with his depression is the future you want for yourself. (Also, not sure what lifestage you're at, but if you would want children, you have to consider the implications of having dc with a depressed partner.)

Original poster

Tropicana218 · 05/12/2020 11:13

I don't, and I know I can't be some 'miracle', as I said.
I just wrongly thought that maybe he would be much happier if he had met the right person, so it made me question myself, but I know that it isn't my fault.

It's not his fault either and I want to support him. It may well be a lifelong condition for him. It's hard sometimes, but I don't want to give up what we have because of it. I just need to remember it isn't personal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tropicana218 · 05/12/2020 11:17

I feel like it's insinuating that people with lifelong MH conditions like depression shouldn't have a partner. I have seen other threads on here where they tell people to leave their depressed partner.

OP posts:

category12 · 05/12/2020 11:26

I'm not insinuating that people with MH conditions shouldn't have partners.

I'm saying that you need to consider whether living with someone with a lifelong MH condition is the row you want to hoe.

It's not an easy thing, and you do need to look after your own mental health and wellbeing as well. Being in a carer-type role for a partner is hard.

It's always a mistake to get into a relationship thinking that if one fundamental thing about the other person were to change, you'd be happy together. You need to be happy with them as they are, not how they could be.

Mostly I think people are advised to leave depressed partners when their behaviour has become such that it's breaking the other person and they're not seeking help.

Nordman · 05/12/2020 11:28

@Tropicana218

I think sometimes you hear those stories of 'I was down for ages but meeting X person changed my life' or 'I've never been happier' etc. He says I have been a fantastic support to him.

But there is a key difference here in being down or unhappy, and suffering from clinical depression. One you can snap out of or change through circumstance, the other requires treatment and support, it's an illness. You wouldn't say "I had diabetes then I met my soulmate and I was cured". Don't measure the strength or validity of your relationship against their experiencing an illness.

Sideorderofchips · 05/12/2020 11:32

My ex husband has had depression for years. I supported him through all of it until he went off and had an affair with my ex friend because he decided that I didn't care that he was depressed and suicidal and she backed that up (even though I had been nothing but supportive and I cared a great deal!)

In my advice I wouldn't get too involved as you end up getting hurt.

litterbird · 05/12/2020 17:43

As long as you know what you are getting yourself into then make a go of it. It will be very hard I can promise you. I assume the medication he is on is working for him? CBT can help a lot but it will need to be a lifelong commitment to manage his depression. You don't say what depression he has...is it clinical or caused by outside factors? You have said he has had it for years so I assume he has had CBT already or is he just exploring that now? Has he been on medication before and is still on it? The reason people say to not get into a relationship with someone with depression is that it can take the supporter down with them. You have to look at the relationship as a triangle, there is you, your partner and the depression. As long as you are happy to share your relationship with the depression, be a constant support, be happy to be that support, many times being the parent in the relationship and keep your sanity as well then go ahead and be in that relationship. It can work for many people but be prepared for the journey with him.

DonaldTrumpsChopper · 05/12/2020 17:51

In my experience, the most important thing is to look after yourself. You need to make sure you have a good life, have plenty of freedom to be yourself, and a life away from your relationship (work, hobbies etc).

If you have children, expect to be the strong parent who can hold it all together and have fun with thrm.

My DH is amazing, and most people have no idea that he has clinical depression as he is so fun and outgoing, but I have found this year hard, as he has been working from home and was furloughed for part of it.

I have no space, other than when I am at work, and I am finding it tough. I encouraged him back to CBT as I just can't be his counsellor. He ended up having 18 weeks, which got us over the worst of it.

I'm over 20 years into this now, rarely regret it, but you have to get out of the saviour mindset.

Flip