Partner on dating site

[RaindropDreams]

So I've been with my partner for around 20 months but we have been best friends for 20 plus years prior to getting together. We have a 6 month old baby together.

I added him to family sharing on my phone a while ago and yesterday I was just nosying about on my phone and found that all apps downloaded across devices can be seen. It would seem that 4 months after we got together he downloaded a dating app. During my pregnancy he wasn't interested in being intimate and this caused me to become very insecure. Everything turned back to normal soon after I had the baby so I gather it was due to the complications I had.

Over the last few months though I have noticed he no longer tags me in memes on Facebook which he always used to do, nor does he add anything I tag him in onto his timeline unless it's about the baby. He's also taken to putting his phone under his pillow when he always used to leave it on the bedside drawers.

Am I paranoid? He hasn't been meeting anyone physically because of lockdown so I don't think he's cheated in a physical sense but I'm gutted. I feel absolutely sick and I don't know what to do. I wouldn't ever dream of checking his phone it's just not my style and nor do I want to ask him to see his phone because again it's just not me. It's eating away at me though.

Yes, it would seem he's looking around and not invested. Only you and he can know if this is a relationship you both want. Would he be up for couples counselling?
Out of interest, how did you go from being friends to dating and having a baby? Did he say he wanted that, or did you fall into it?

He doesnt seem focused on you. He is hiding you on social media. And physically hiding his phone.

It is time to start planning for a life without him.

Getting pregnant after being together 5 months was very fast, you couldn't have known him properly as a partner.

No he definitely wouldn't go for counselling and to be honest nor would I. He wanted a relationship years before but I didn't want to ruin the friendship and so we made lives with others and then it became clear that we were in love and always had been and that's how it started.

I know it was very quick to have a baby and it wasn't planned. I had just lost my dad to cancer just 8 days after finding out he was terminal and had a period where I was just drinking a lot and was just careless I suppose.

The relationship is amazing in so many ways and he doesn't hide me on social media as such as we are in a relationship on there it's just posts that's aren't about the baby. Maybe you guys are right, I'm not enough for him and I knew I wouldn't be. I even tried to warn him.

Couple of things i noticed in your reply. You were careless after you dad died, which is understandable. But why was your partner? He didnt need to be at all.

And he only allows connection on fb to you as long as it is also connected to the baby. Seems like he might be painting your relationship as over and him only there for the baby. How many times do we hear that on here!

If not counselling, it definitely needs a conversation. And if you can’t have a conversation, the relationship is over anyway.

I'm not enough for him and I knew I wouldn't be. I even tried to warn him

That's wrong. He is not good enough for you.

I should have made it clear that I was on the pill and forgot to take it so he wouldn't have realised that he needed to be careful necessarily. I think you are right about a conversation though

Sorry about your Dad. Whatever happens with your baby's father, you are definitely enough for him.
He probably got into the habit of no strings sex and online dating. The 'quick and easy chase'. No reflection on you Lots of men appear to be stuck in that loop of not committing and running parallel lives.

Yeah maybe, I just find it strange because he's had long term relationships for as long as I've known him, he's never been the casual type and as I've said it can't possibly be physical. He's super confident which is something I seriously lack, I sometimes think that is why I'm not enough. He's done everything possible to always make me feel wanted and loved but my insecurities rule me. I do also think he would like me to be more attentive and affectionate and we are but not like we used be. I accept responsibility for that because I constantly fear rejection so I wait for him to cuddle me or initiate sex for example. I know he needs to feel wanted too because he's told me. God I need to give my head a wobble I think. I've got everything I ever wanted and more and it's my own head that ruins it for me!

“it's my own head that ruins it for me!”

Was it your own head which downloaded dating apps?

You may have worn him down somewhat with your insecurity - I used to do that waiting to be hugged thing with my DH but in that mode you become (well, I became) a bottomless pit of needs. And it’s a rather selfish approach to a relationship also. What you’re doing, in effect, is constantly testing your partner. Over time, realising all those things helped me to stop being so needy and taught me to reach out as well as be reached for. Yes - you want your partner to reach for you but you need to reach out as well.

But for all that, you may also have been feeling insecure because deep down you felt he was inclined to be unfaithful. Downloading dating apps seems like a step in that direction.

I think anyone that sleeps with their phone under their pillow is hiding something. That's random AF...