Help please in the early hours

[crappyyear]

Planning to ask my husband to leave tomorrow.
Long story, but DH is a long term depressive and I fell out of love with him many years ago.
I don't hate him but I don't love him. He's not a bad person, more of a bear with a bad head constantly.

My eldest daughter attempted suicide 4 weeks ago and it's probably the catalyst for things to change. She hates and is frightened of him. Part of it is teenage 'I hate my parents but part of it is more than that . I need to put my girls first and deep
down I know he has to go.

I'm asking as I just don't know how to do it. He doesn't have anywhere obvious to go. What happens if he doesn't leave?
Any help welcome

To add to the problem, he keeps threatening suicide. It is a strong idea possibility that he may follow through on it when I ask him to leave. I've known this a long time but when confronted with my daughter committing suicide over my husband, I have to put my children first.

Any help or advice welcome at this hour of the morning

You can do it OP, for yourself and your DD. You deserve to be happy. You're so brave!

And advice how to do to it?
I'm sure that I will, so looking for practical ideas

I don't have magic answers but wanted to send you a virtual hug at this early hour. Xx I hope your daughter is getting some professional support as well as from you. Alarmed to read how she feels about your husband/ her dad. That's not right and you are being a wonderful mother in taking this course of action and asking him to leave. Stay strong and don't let him manipulate you into changing your decision. I will be thinking of you today.xxx

Oh OP this sounds awful and I am so sorry you are going through this.

I wanted to post because there aren't many people up at this time and want you to have support. I am sending hugs. It sounds like you are dealing with a ton of stuff.

It also sounds like you are doing the absolute right thing - for your daughter and yourself. All I can hope is your DH will surprise you. Perhaps when he has to stand on his own two feet he will manage to do that. But ultimately his well-being is not your job, and you mustn't sacrifice your daughter's or yours for it - and it sounds like you have been doing this for years already.

If you say she is frightened of him, it sounds like he gets aggressive? Are you afraid of him too? If so, do you have somebody who can come be with you to support you and make sure you are fine?

I am sending all my best.

Does he have family or friends nearby?

Does he work? Can he afford to rest somewhere/ book an Air B&B (depending on what tier you’re in- I know that T3 hotels are closed). This obviously isn’t your problem but it might help get him out of the door!

What about you- do you have ducks in a row if you’re planning to initiate divorce proceedings? Finances sorted etc?

I guess the potential issue is that he might refuse to leave a home he legally owns- do you think he’s likely to do this?

Hi OP.
That sounds like a really hard situation. I'm not an expert but my friend has wanted her H to move out for years due to the toxicity of their relationship and the impact on their DCs.
It seems like in order to enforce him moving out there needs to be some sort of DV situation. If there isn't but it's still intolerable then check which solicitors (make sure you go to a family one) do a free 30 or 60 min free consultation and draw up a long list of questions / scenarios to ask them. If none do them paying foe an hour if you can is definitely worth spending that money.

There is a real comfort and power in having some facts and knowledge about your situation speaking from my own experience and that comes from taking legal advice. He doesn't have to know you have done it . It helps to know you are moving forward and have a bit of a plan rather than feeling stuck in your situation forever. Good luck.

I’m sorry your daughter is struggling.
Practically, do you both have equal rights to the property you live in? If you own you should talk to a solicitor before you do anything! If he refuses to leave then you have the right to separate whilst living in the same house, he will may be go when he sees how serious you are. The alternative is to do what I did with my kids and go myself. Have never regretted it though it was scary that first morning doing it. We needed a new beginning. Again, take legal advice first! Also, if your daughter has a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse etc maybe run this by them too.

I just saw your thread about your daughter and now this. You must feel as though your head is going to explode.

How do you think your daughter will feel if her dad leaves? Do you think she will immediately feel better? You say she's frightened of him - I hate to ask this but do you think there's been any abuse towards her?

I think the atmosphere in the home is a large part of her problems and she doesn't get on with him. He can be shouty and is always on her case about things and has moments when he can lose his temper, but he is not violent towards people (more likely to break things) and there's no physical or more serious abuse.

He's just very unhappy person who makes everybody else feel the same and I just can't carry him any more. I need to put my girls and me first over trying to look after him. And anyway, I clearly haven't made him any better in the 15 years i've been with him so its not likely to change.

I have told him now although he hasn't really believed it. I'm going to take the advice from above and contact a solicitor and get everything sorted first before next steps.

I would be clear when you discuss this with your DD that your decision to end this has nothing to do with her - if he did then end his life she had no feelings of guilt.

You say he’s not violent but breaking things is a form of violence. You are doing the right thing.

I agree with poster above.
If he leaves & commits suicide, she may think it's her fault.
You haven't said if you have joint ownership of your house. So quite how you make him leave depends on what he has left. anywhere to go? money & lucidity

Yes we have joint ownership of the house and at a push he could go to his parents for a short time.

He has quite a good job too

It sounds like you're definitely making the right decision, for you and also for your daughter. Your poor girl, she needs you and it's great you're stepping up

I would contact his parents and have a frank talk about all this with them. They need to take him on now, get him to go there whilst you sort this out. So sorry this is just the worst situation for you.