DH wants to relocate

[shadesofgrey25]

So here I go again. I have a DH who I've been married to for 25 years and with for 27 years! To say we have a up and down relationship would be an understatement. He is prone to bouts of heavy drinking which often (twice a year on average) result in huge personal attacks on me where he says he can't be married anymore. Every time this breaks my heart and destroys me until he comes round again! Last Christmas he pushed me off a chair and verbally abused me in front of our 18 year old son!
I forgave him after he sought therapy although Covid put an end to that!

I feel like an emotional doormat to his moods but cannot pluck up the courage to ever leave him! He smokes a lot of marijuana and his blow ups often lead to binge taking cocaine. He is frankly a bully and a "know it all" and has mentally broken me on numerous occasions over 27 years!

Latest "thing" is he wants to up sticks and move to a rural location - away from where we live in the Home Counties! As it is he hates socialising (which I enjoy), has no friends, doesn't see his family and since lockdown now refuses to see my family - although I suspect Covid has been a great excuse for him!

I feel isolated and alone as have no one at all to talk to. Just looking for some help out there. Should I placate him and follow his dream to buy a farm or stick to my guns and stay put? Which will invariably lead to divorce as he doesn't want to stay living here??? He says that if I won't move he can move and visit me 2-3 times a week! This is not a marriage is it?? Am I being unreasonable not following his dreams??

[FippertyGibbett]

You need to walk away from this guy.
Do you really want to be still stuck with him in 5, 10, 20 years time ?
Do you want him to be your NOK, the person who makes choices about your life, if you are ever unable to make those choices yourself ?

[whydoesitalwayshappentome]

I think the best thing you can do is let him move away and you stay. Without him you can get the strength to sort the financial situation out. I very much doubt he will visit 2-3 times a week once he is gone. You can do this and without this bullying, joy sucking leech in your life it will become far easier.

[LannieDuck]

How long has this been his 'dream'? It sounds more like a whim.

[Mix56]

Does he know anything at all about farming??? It sounds like a pipe dream.

[wimhoffbreather]

Why are you still married to him he sounds absolutely awful!

You are married so you would be entitled to assets if you split.

Just why why why would you stay with this man. Him wanting to move is perfect! He can move away on his own. You can stay where you are and enjoy life with him

[wimhoffbreather]

Urgh it’s supposed to say without him in the last sentence 🙄

[Opentooffers]

He's doing you a favour, take him up on the idea. You stay put, if he wants he can visit 2 or 3x a week. I'm sure after you've not had to live with him for a while, you won't be looking forward to his visits and will realise how nice life is without him, by then it will be an easier split. Sounds the perfect opportunity for your life to improve.

[2bazookas]

Perfect! Now you can sell the house, split the money and get a small place on your own. New life.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Shades

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Is this man much older than you and did you meet him when you were in a bad place yourself and or very young, say late teens?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You and in turn your now adult children have been ground down by him for years; this is all that they've known. They probably wonder why you are still with him at all given his treatment of you and in turn them.

Do indeed see a Solicitor and as soon as possible. Talk to this person at length about the business and divorcing your abuser and substance abusing husband. Do take the great advice already given to you about counselling for your own self. Abusive men like this take time, years even, to recover from.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Let him move to the back of beyond; do not under any circumstances go with him. Your life is shit enough as it is due to his abuses of you so you do not need to be further isolated and controlled by him.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You and your adult children deserve a life free from his abuses of you and in turn them.

[growinggreyer]

Tied into his business where I am a co-Director with him. I work for the business so totally dependent on him

Have you asked him what his plan is for the business? Obviously, if he goes off to be a farmer then the business will have to be wound up. What will happen to your customers etc. Is there a business to sell and is he actively looking into marketing it?

[madcatladyforever]

i can't believe you are even asking OP. Your life sounds entirely miserable and you need to dump him now so you can have a life.
Cam you imagine being stranded in some ghastly farmhouse alone with him away from everything you love.
Break free now and live your own life.

[Treacletoots]

Life does this, it intentionally hands you a lifeline to get out of shit situations, if you're prepared to take it.

This is what this is, let him go, take whats yours out of the house, whatever you do, don't carry on doing the same thing and expecting things to change. They don't. It will only get 10 times worse.

You can do this. You can live a life worth living without this abusive arsehole. You only get one life, make it a happy one.

[Jennifer2r]

I know that at the moment, looking at disentangling your life, money, living situation and emotions from him seems like a huge immovable mountain in front of you, and you can't see the top, and you can't face it, and it doesn't seem possible.

Believe me though, just set off up the mountain. One small step at a time. You can do it. You definitely can.

[Hailtomyteeth]

This is your opportunity... jump!