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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling with friendships

6 replies

OhWhatALonelyGirl · 05/12/2020 01:30

Name changed for this just in case.

Hardly know where to start really.

I used to be good at making and being a friend. These days not so much.

I fear I’ve driven my friend away. We were very good friends at one point, life and circumstances and physical distance (opposite ends of country now) mean we haven’t been able to see each other for several years but we kept in touch. Very often at first but it’s gradually been waning and now I feel like I am a duty to her.

We used to be able to talk for hours about anything but I have been suffering from depression so not the most fun conversations I’ll admit.

She hasn’t said anything bad but is just much less chatty and is often not free to talk or even message.

I sent an upbeat message and I know she’s read it but I’ve had no reply. It’s been a while now which is really not like her.

On the other hand I am aware that she has a life and responsibilities and worries too and I am always available to listen to her and help if I can and I’m also worried if there’s something she’s dealing with that she is maybe not sure how to tell me but I can’t think of anything that she could tell me that would be a problem.

We’ve been there for each other through a lot and I’m scared the friendship is over but she’s too polite to say so.

I’ve read on here threads more from her side of things and I know a lot of women will avoid any kind of direct or confrontational so will simply be less available less chatty and let the friendship go that way.

I really don’t want to lose her as a friend but I know I can’t force her to stay in contact if she isn’t interested if I’m too much trouble for her.

I know friendships come and go over our lives and I’ve dealt with that before but I really don’t want to lose hers.

OP posts:
OhWhatALonelyGirl · 05/12/2020 21:37

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
Sssloou · 05/12/2020 22:01

You both need more than this - opposite ends of the country and only seeing each other every few years - you need friends who you see physically weekly / monthly or quarterly at least. We all need human connections. Start not by looking for deep friendships with others - just aim to build numerous acquaintances and see which ones naturally evolve over time to something deeper if you want mutual support. Do you have other relationships in your life that can bring you some light relief?

OhWhatALonelyGirl · 05/12/2020 23:00

Sorry if I’ve mislead. She’s not my only friend but she’s one of the main ones and I really really don’t want to lose this friendship.

She has other friends too who are not mutual friends it’s hard to explain.

She’s the one I can be totally honest with and I really don’t want to lose that.

I am finding it harder to make friends as I get older and I really value the ones I already have and I’m afraid I’ve messed this one up. I really hope I’m wrong but I have no idea how to figure out if I have or how to rescue this situation.

OP posts:
sunsalutations · 06/12/2020 07:14

Due to the physical distance, it will be inevitable the friendship wanes a bit. My oldest and very best friend lives 400 miles away. We both have families and busy lives and catch up when we can. We have lived that far apart for 20+ years now. Over time, we reached a happy place of catching up every few months or so, more over COVID times. WhatsApp is great for little keeping in touch messages in between. You just have to find a good frequency of catch up where no one feels obliged or it is a burden. I've never found another friend as wonderful as her

category12 · 06/12/2020 07:21

I think you should message her again in a bit. If she does respond and you resume regular contact, try to keep things light and fun for a while, as maybe she's burnt out from supporting you?

Hawtain86 · 06/12/2020 08:46

I’m sorry your having a hard time atm. I don’t think you can force anything right now. You say you can be totally honest with her but you’ve opened up about the way your feeling atm and she’s disappeared. I think real friends would be there for you through your ups and downs.

Obviously she means a lot to you so keep the door open and leave the ball in her court. Let her make the next move.

I think you need to put some effort in meeting some new people. Maybe when things are back to normal join some groups depending on what things you enjoy and maybe concentrate on your other friends?

I’m sure she’ll be in touch eventually. Good luck

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