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Original poster

Is this man taking advantage?

26 replies

HoppityHolly · 04/12/2020 23:44

Ive been dating a man for a year. It hasn't been plain sailing, we both have kids, divorced, jobs etc

I understand that in our life situations our relationship is not top priority, work, kids etc come first. He says he loves me and I love him. I'm a bit worried though that its all very convenient for him.

Recently he started a new job and so for the past month has pretty much said he wants me to make all the effort to travel to see him. We used to see each other two nights a week, one at each of our houses. Now its one night a week at his unless I'm willing to travel to him on both. We live 40 miles from each other, about 40 minutes drive each way. When I go to him he makes dinner, makes me welcome, says I can stay the day after to wfh at his if I would like to.

His job requires him to be on conference calls in his office very early sometimes (7am) which is his reason for me having to do all the travel, he leaves me sleeping. Would you be willing to do all the travel? I'm not sure if I'm being fussy about this, we rarely go out anywhere, I enjoy his company but would prefer to see more effort from him. Am I being a doormat or is it no big deal for one person to do all the driving?

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 04/12/2020 23:50

It sounds like he needs to be in his office very early, so if he stayed at yours this wouldn't be possible, but I certainly wouldn't want to do an 80 mile trip twice a week.

alexdgr8 · 04/12/2020 23:52

so is this a friends with benefits situation.
don't sell yourself short.
find someone more suitable.

Original poster
HoppityHolly · 05/12/2020 00:02

@alexdgr8 no its meant to be a relationship!

@Alexandernevermind that's what I'm not keen on, 160 miles a week of driving for me.

I get that work is important, but I seem to be the one making the sacrifices.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 05/12/2020 00:02

Do you never get a day at the weekend free? Just thinking that he won't be working 7days a week, so there would usually be an occasional weekend where you could meet up. It also depends how your life is, is your work more flexible? Do you always start later than he does.
I think when you start seeing someone as a working parent, it's best to consider how far away they live and how practical it will be before embarking on anything. I've got on with people OLD but have agreed that the distance would be unworkable, so we've gone no further.

Original poster
HoppityHolly · 05/12/2020 00:07

@Opentooffers both of us have kids at the weekend, so until/unless we meet kids we are stuck with this pattern. It was fine until he took the new job, we used to have one journey a week each. My work is more flexible as I can bring my laptop and work at his, he has a whole office he uses.

OP posts:
Sakurami · 05/12/2020 00:08

How come you don't spend every other weekend together? Only week nights? I can understand him not wanting to get up super early to work but it is unfair on you.

StrippedFridge · 05/12/2020 00:10

Why can't he bring a laptop to yours?

Slimerecipehell · 05/12/2020 00:13

I did 90% of the travelling for 5yrs (not quite as much as you, 40 mile round trip). It took me a long time to realise it was all a bit one sided with effort. His reasoning was he owned his business, he had to be there early but I always felt he thought my job and commitments weren’t as important. Have you told him how you feel?
I got the the point where I wasn’t getting mundane bits like housework and paperwork done, constantly living out of a bag so I started saying ‘sorry I’m going to stay at mine tonight’ He did take this on board and started coming to mine a bit more but in the end we split over other issues.
I think if he wants do to be with you and knows the travelling is taking its toll on you, he needs to put in more effort, even if that means doing the travelling but getting up earlier?

Original poster
HoppityHolly · 05/12/2020 00:15

@Sakurami we both have our kids every weekend

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 05/12/2020 00:18

If you met online, this is exactly the reason you should narrow the catchment area on filters. If neither of you ever have a child free weekend, or are unable to use babysitters ( when covid restrictions allow) the only way to progress this is for you to meet each others children. After a year, it's about time you assessed whether progressing is what you want, otherwise it's unworkable.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/12/2020 00:20

Well it’s certainly not showing him in a good light
For me it depends. It’s a new job so he wants to impress. If her had said to you would you mind doing all the driving for a while until I settle in and work out the lay of the land, I’d be ok with it. It sounds like he does all the cooking etc and is happy for you to work from his place, not get up and drive straight back in time for work. Does he show appreciation for what you are doing?
The alternative is that he puts his needs first and doesn’t think about or care how that impacts on you.

I’d listen very carefully to what he says and pay attention to his actions

Amerimoon · 05/12/2020 00:23

7am start with a 40 minute commute back to his house from yours? Hardly really early - I did similar to work for ages!!

Original poster
HoppityHolly · 05/12/2020 00:24

@Slimerecipehell sorry to hear you had this too. I feel that way too, that my life is having to accommodate his job. We have talked about meeting kids, which would make things a bit easier but not massively. I know what you mean about living out if a bag and feeling tired!

@StrippedFridge he has two screens, other equipment etc so I think a laptop is not enough. My job does 'fit in' with the routine but reading the responses I can see I'm not alone in feeling me doing 160 miles a week isn't ideal.

I may stick with one trip a week for the moment and see how things go.

OP posts:
2020parrot · 05/12/2020 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HoppityHolly · 05/12/2020 00:27

@Amerimoon he would probably need to set off at 6ish, the calls are usually about 7. I stay in bed until I need to start work at 830. It kind of works, other than he's got no travel and I have loads!

OP posts:
2020parrot · 05/12/2020 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HoppityHolly · 05/12/2020 00:31

@2020parrot thanks. I hadn't been sure if I was being a bit petty about me doing all the travel, as he is welcoming, suggests I stay as long as I like etc. I'm sure he's not happy I'm having to travel so much, but yes the future needs to be considered as I can't keep this up indefinitely.

OP posts:
Amerimoon · 05/12/2020 00:31

But is setting off at 6 once a week such a big issue?!

OldAndWornOut · 05/12/2020 00:34

I don't think it sounds too unreasonable within the context of a committed relationship.

At different times one or other has to take priority for a while, and hopefully, it's reciprocal.

Original poster
HoppityHolly · 05/12/2020 00:35

@Amerimoon that's a good point. I haven't pushed him on it as its only been a few weeks, so if I'm tired on the night he would previously have travelled we just chat on the phone. It is true though that a 6am start sometimes would show some commitment from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoppityHolly · 05/12/2020 00:38

@OldAndWornOut thanks, I guess I just need to make clear it is tiring (he knows that!) and see how realistic it is that things may change in the future, meeting kids etc

OP posts:
DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 05/12/2020 00:41

My brother gets up at 5am to leave for work at 6am every weekday. It's tough, but not impossible, and your guy would only be doing it once a week. If I were you, I'd feel that this guy just isnt into me, sorry OP.

thosetalesofunexpected · 05/12/2020 01:37

Hi Op
Is it, could it be possible to stay the day/night in a guest house or low budget hotel like Traveloge, or higher end hotel sometimes both of you bringing your laptops , be like a change of scenery, couple time bit of fun staying somewhere like that..
(Also some hotels have holistic therapy/health spa pamper session so you could have a holistic therapy session...

Just a random thought..
What do you think Op

thosetalesofunexpected · 05/12/2020 01:45

Hi Op
I too agree with the Poster @Amerimoon comment
That your Partner could travel early in morn and stay at your place sometime, like a routine of one week you travel to his place then following week he travels to your place,to establish a routine like this idea ..
Plus sometimes staying if you can afford or save up as a treat to stay at a low budget hotel or a guest house/posher upmarket hotel with maybe a healthspa session thrown in...(its a bit of romantic bit of fun idea as a couple..

RantyAnty · 05/12/2020 04:15

It sounds pretty dull tbh. Each of you go over for dinner and a shag.

When was the last time you went out somewhere? Have you been on a holiday together?