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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if its abuse

9 replies

Littlesparrow0 · 04/12/2020 23:19

I question things a lot in my day to day life if I'm going to annoy him by doing this/saying this etc?

He doesn't actually tell me I cant do things but makes me feel uncomfortable enough not to do it because there will always be an atmosphere afterwards. Or ill get the silent treatment or he'll just respond to me with one word answers in an ignorant response when I try to go on as normal.

I've told myself for years this is abuse but recently he made a comment to me and its made me question if he is controlling.

My sister has recently moved quite close to us (she lived about a 2hr drive from me for a number of yrs) so I'm delighted to have her a 15 min drive away now and to have some company and help with the kids. Im a sahm with a 2 & 3yr old and I never go anywhere as I always find myself asking "would it annoy him if me& the kids go here" especially now with covid being his excuse for a lot.
Anyway shes been home about 2 weeks now and I still haven't went to visit. I suggested the other night when kids were in bed that I was going to see her and I never really got a response there was just a atmosphere. Then when he picked up I was upset about it there was an argument and he told me "I don't tell you what you can't do" when I told him I feel uncomfortable doing certain things incase it annoys him. He made it out that its all in my head. Yet i know afterwards ill get the silent treatment etc or he'll cause a row over something unrelated and then drag crap up from the past over and over again until I'm deflated. I feel really uncomfortable a lot of the time. Just want to feel normal And free to do whatever I like without being punished for it. Yet

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 04/12/2020 23:36

You're going to have to turn this around on him so you can do what you like. If you want to visit someone or go out with the DC somewhere, just do it. When he behaves differently after just say "well you didn't say I couldn't go". You see, avoiding doing stuff in an attempt to prevent an atmosphere, does still create an atmosphere, so either way there's bad feeling, so you might as well do what you want. Also, the more you ignore his behaviour and do as you please, the more likely it is that his control side may become more obvious to you. Then you'll realise where you stand and how controlling he is. At that point you may feel you want to do something about it.

LouiseTrees · 04/12/2020 23:37

Then don’t react to his silent treatment, act like you don’t care he’s not talking to you and just go about living your life.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/12/2020 00:19

Yes OP, you are right, this is abuse. Longstanding abuse.Sad Can you leave him?

Wearywithteens · 05/12/2020 00:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

tenlittlecygnets · 05/12/2020 00:38

Of course it's abusive! He wants you to shut up about what you don't like...

Making you feel like you're walking on eggshells is normal for an abusive man. Try to get out of it.

alexdgr8 · 05/12/2020 00:40

yes, just do what you like.
it sounds rather muddled. as if you want him to behave differently, be more emotionally engaged, interested, responsive.
perhaps you are just dissatisfied with him, and your life with him. he doesn't sound too happy either.
but you don't have to tip-toe around, that is your choice. it may have become a habit. i think you need to take more responsibility for how you live. you seem to cast yourself as the lesser person, a if you want his approval.
you have to decide for yourself how you want to live.
have you asked this question so that if we say it is abuse, then you will have a reason to leave. you don't need such a reason. and on the face of it, i would not call that abuse.
but the underlying result is the same. you are responsible for how you live. and you can change it. you have to decide.
good luck.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/12/2020 01:08

I never go anywhere as I always find myself asking "would it annoy him if me& the kids go here"

This^^ is the result of his abuse of you. This is not how women in healthy relationships think OP. The reason that you have not visited your sister, is because you fear his reaction. He, of course, did not allay your fears when you raised them. Instead, he has made you think that your conflict/confusion is your own fault.

It's not, it's the result he wants and further abuse of you.Sad

Can you leave him @Littlesparrow0?

Sakurami · 05/12/2020 01:28

Yes, he is controlling and abusive. Noone would think twice about going over to see their sibling. It is very chilling that you have been scared of going to see your sister for two weeks and that if you go and see her there will be repercussions.

OldAndWornOut · 05/12/2020 01:32

It's coersive control.

All mind games, and blowing hot and cold, and blaming you, until in the end you're too exhausted and confused to know if it's you or him.

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