When to introduce partner to dc

[DimeBarLady]

Exdh and I separated this time last year. We have a fairly amicable relationship and he currently sees dc EOW. Dc’s are 8 and 5 and don’t seem too fussed about us splitting. Exdh would normally work away Mon-Fri and then be exhausted at the weekends so they have actually been getting more one on one time with him than they used to when we were together.

I’ve been seeing someone since end of June. He lives 1.5 hour drive away and I’ve been seeing him whenever exdh has dc and then he’s come down for a couple of days during the week every other week.

So far, whenever he’s come to visit me we’ve spent school hours at mine - we are currently both working from home but it’s nice that he can just be around. Then he’ll stay in my mums holiday let down the road and come back to mine later once dc are in bed so we can have dinner/ watch tv together.

Obviously my dm will be letting out her holiday let once CV dies down so we won’t be able to do this long term. I really like this man, we’ve talked about having a future together and I’d say it’s a commuted relationship. But I’m reluctant for him to meet dc yet in case it all falls apart.

He hasn’t pushed meeting dc. I don’t think there’s any reason dc would dislike him but it all just seems a bit soon both in terms of it being a fairly new relationship and it only being a year since exdh and I split.

Wwyd? How long would you say is normal/ recommended to wait before introducing a new partner to dc?

There’s no rush. Are you divorced now?

With young children it’s a bit risky having him over once they’re in bed if you’re not ready for them to meet. How would you/he/they feel if they woke up and saw him there?

@AnneLovesGilbert presumably OP's children understand the concept of friends? It's no riskier than a female mate being round unless they are shagging on the sofa. Chill.

It's always a bit tricky. It's pointless introducing DC to new boyfriends too early. It's always best to see if the relationship has the potential to grow legs and actually be going anywhere.

The flip side of that you could date for months/years and then introduce DC to the boyfriend only for them all to hate each other on sight.

I think it depends on the relationship and the kids. Some kids are very easy going, trust mum to guage the partners comparability with the family. Other kids are anxious or resentful. Added pressure changes the dynamic of relationships. Have you mentioned your new boyfriend to your kids at all?

When you are ready, but introduce as a friend and then it isn’t a big deal that you have to make any kind of announcement about it you split up.

I introduced my now DH to my children far earlier than Mumsnet would seem to approve of - only 6 months in.

However, we came as a package and I wasn’t going to pretend we didn’t, I actually wanted him to meet them to see how they got on, there wasn’t much point me getting into a serious relationship with a man who isn’t good with young children.

I had dated other men though and wouldn’t have dreamed of introducing them to my DC, not for a second. However I knew I could be serious about DH. I also wanted him to see the chaos of life with young children (as he didn’t have any of his own) so he had an idea of what he’d actually be getting in to!

However, if it hadn’t worked out then it wouldn’t have been a big deal to the kids, as I genuinely do have male friends who they were used to being around, so they just saw him in the same way at first.

@AnneLovesGilbert

There’s no rush. Are you divorced now?

With young children it’s a bit risky having him over once they’re in bed if you’re not ready for them to meet. How would you/he/they feel if they woke up and saw him there?

Assuming they have sex etc when the kids aren't there, they shouldn't see anything other than Mommy's friend popping round.

Op I would say when you've established that this is something serious and you've ascertained in theory what the future would look like given the distance

I don’t think it’s risky to be in the same house when dc’s are asleep - as pp’s said I’d just tell them that he’s a friend.

My post obviously wasn’t clear. I’m not suggesting he’s a danger risk. I said if you haven’t decided you’re ready for them to meet yet there’s a risk they might do so accidentally if one of them wakes up. Not sure why it’s being jumped on.

I introduce them to dc v early, but then do not have any meetings thereafter for months. If dd didn't like them, the relationship is over, so I get that out of the way quickly to check.

I'd introduce them now. I have never understood all the handwringing that goes on here about not introducing children until you have been dating for ten years.
He might hate them or vice versa. I ditched a boyfriend once pdq when he offered me advice on how my children should be raised ..saved me a lot of wasted effort. I don't mean overnights or anything like that. Just a daytrip or two.

I think it all seems very quick OP and you don't sound comfortable yourself with this man meeting the children. I would wait.

My ex and i agreed on 3 months after meeting if we want to and if the other agrees. We are on amicable terms and he has had 2 exes that he broke up with around the 3 month mark so we have figured that is usually around that time that relationships start to become more serious.

I am now in a 3 month relationship that is definitely ahowing signs of having some legs. I think i will introduce him as a friend after the end of january. We are not in the UK so have more general socialising opportunities

My DH is divorced and I initially met my DSD after six months. She was only 2.5 and we just said I was daddy’s friend. For another few months I’d spend time with them but also made sure they had time alone. She furthered this herself as she began to ask for me to come if they were going out etc. She’s 5 now and we are very close. Introduce casually then take it at the children’s pace.