It’s over - staying together for practical reasons

[Clonmel]

My H told me a few months ago that he didn’t love me and wants to remarry (he is from a culture where arranged marriages are standard and would easily find a new wife). He has since retracted this but we’ve been drifting apart for years and that was the final straw. I was absolutely gutted, we have 2 children the youngest is 5, I was close to an emotional breakdown and he treated me like absolute shit during this period. Told me lots of horrible things (said I was pathetic and like a child for crying, said that I am lucky that he hasn’t gone as no-one else would have me). Since then, I have come to terms with the fact that it is over (although I am still angry/upset) but feel like I can’t move on because of the practicalities. We still live together and share childcare duties 50/50 as we both work full time and do opposite shift work.My eldest is really settled at school, they are both too young to be left alone etc. I don’t have any family where we live and we have always done our own childcare. H does look after DC well.

Realistically, it will be at least 5 years until my children can be left alone for a couple of hours or walk home from school on their own. Ideally I would love to move away from this town, H would not move away so I know that I have to remain for childcare reasons and my eldest would be distraught at changing schools. I just feel completely trapped.

You might feel trapped, and your eldest may be distraught - for a time - but these are not insurmountable difficulties. Your brain is just throwing up difficulties to keep you in the "uncomfortable comfort zone".

If you move to where you have family support, your eldest will get over it. You should also look at what benefits you will get - entitledto.co.uk will show that.

whatever the hardships of splitting, are they really worse than those of staying??

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?

Do not further do your bit here to teach your children that a loveless marriage could become their norm too.

Whose sake are you staying for, theirs or more likely your own because it’s somehow easier. Staying together for the reasons you state I.e practical ones for the children are no basis for staying with your husband. He is also not a good father to his children if he has treated you like described in your post. There is nothing to rescue and or save here, it’s over.

Divorce is not failure, living in such unhappiness is and your children will pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between their dad and you. Teach them better lessons on relationships. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

He told you he doesnt love you and is going to leave you and marry someone else. He treated you like "absolute shit" when you were down.

It's pretty much impossible to see a way back from that, you can't wait five years, five months or even five weeks, you need to make plans now. Many men in his position would have been told to pack their bags without further ado, are you sure that "practicalities" prevent you from telling him to go? At the very least you should seek advice from a solicitor or CAB so you can get out of this dysfunctional relationship as soon as you can.