Feeling bad and want to change

[ashamedbutwanttochange]

Not making excuses but I had a dreadful childhood which damaged me. I’ll just put that out there first and it’s no excuse but emotional and physical abuse really really changed me. I was either trying to avoid it or trying desperately to escape or when I couldnt escape trying to do everything I was told to avoid being subjected to it it was awful.

Anyway this has led me to be an awful partner. Probably considered ‘abusive’ but it’s because of fear.
Fear of being abandoned
Fear of being rejected
Fear of being alone
Fear of being cheated on
So although I would never physically hurt my dh I think my behaviour and jealousy and how I am in general is actually some kind of emotional abuse or coercive control ? I’m not sure but I don’t want to be that person.
Can I change ?
How can I change ? CBT? Psychiatrist?

Of course you can fix the issues, and trauma.
That isn't changing that is improving.

It's not easy but it's definitely worth it for you and others around you. This behaviour effects dc's too, they can get affected by it or copy the pattern.

My eldest copied my OCD habits.

What has happened to get you to this point now?

I think my fear of being abandoned is the driving force because of how I was treated until I left home. It’s just lately my jealousy is worse dvd I don’t like how I am I don’t want to be controlling

dvd-and

You could try engaging with Respect www.respect.uk.net/ to work on your behaviours.

EMDR is supposed to be good for trauma and PTSD but very confronting and hard. You need to find someone whose experienced in working with people who have been traumatised by childhood abuse. Can you afford to see someone privately? Maybe your GP can point you in the right direction. I haven't found cbt very useful for trauma from DV. I haven't tried EMDR, there's also Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which I have just started and feels like a better fit personally.

Yes I believe you can reduce those behaviours, but It's important to find the right support and it will take time. In the short term reach out to DV organisations and see if you can get some immediate help to reduce the behaviours. Some emotional regulation techniques might help you step away in the moment too, lots of information online. These techniques need to be practiced regularly when calm otherwise to hard to do in the moment. As you say none of this is an excuse for controlling, coercive behaviour. Your brain is used to reacting in specific ways so you need to commit to working on this for the long term. It takes time to change neural pathways but it can be done.

Doctors finally sent me to get assessed and they said I had bpd, and referred me to 20 weeks program.
I only attended for 6 sessions but it was such an eye opener.

Around that time I realised a lot of my behaviour wasn't me being nasty or crazy but was reaction abuse from my narcissistic ex.
Who I separated a few weeks later ( had to get things in place first)

It's been a year and I haven't hit boiling point since. I couldn't see how bad he was, a lot was that he was seemed supportive and caring but it was game play.

I'm not saying it's your dp at all, but working on yourself and getting into a group, even online where you can see other people's experience and learn different BPD traits will help you see your own like clearer

So although I would never physically hurt my dh I think my behaviour and jealousy and how I am in general is actually some kind of emotional abuse or coercive control?

Can you identify some of the behaviours you are worried about?

As the level / type of behaviour you're concerned about can help people signpost you to appropriate sources and supports.

It's good you can see it's unhealthy and unreasonable behaviour, that's the first step.