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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating after a long time

25 replies

mummybug355 · 04/12/2020 17:29

I said yes to a date from a guy from work during lockdown. I do like him. we've now set a date for next week. I'm now bricking it. He's cooking a meal. I haven't dated in almost 7 years and my last relationship was emotionally abusive and he put my off dating for along time ex is no contact for over 5 years. I have no idea what to do as in
do as in do I dress up? or wear makeup? as I don't wear it to work. Do I need to bring anything? What do I say when I'm there? I'm so nervous. My mum's looking after my daughter and she's not being told about it. It's been so long I have no idea what to do. I feel so lost

OP posts:

DDIJ · 04/12/2020 19:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Manxiety · 04/12/2020 19:18

@DDIJ

Sorry I've never been on a date so my advice is probably rubbish but I don't think you should go to his house. You would be safer meeting somewhere public.

Yes, this.

You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position OP. I don't mean he will rape you but you are likely to sleep with him despite your resolve not to.

This isn't appropriate - he should be taking you out. You are worth more. There are a lot of posts on here where people do this. They sleep with the guy, regret it, get dumped, and their mental health and self esteem suffers as a result.

Go for a meal after a month/3-4 dates or so. Not straight away.

DianaT1969 · 04/12/2020 19:25

Back out of the meal at his house OP.
If you like him and he respects you, it will be easy to do that and comfortable to meet for dates outside.

category12 · 04/12/2020 19:38

I don't think a meal at his place is a good idea. Or are you intending to shag him?

Windmillwhirl · 04/12/2020 19:43

Listen to your yourself: you don't feel comfortable. Start as you mean to go by factoring in what you would like to do and feel comfortable doing. I'd suggest a meal or drink out. Far less pressure that way.

Plastichearts · 04/12/2020 19:43

Hmm first date in his home? No I don’t think you should do that yet.

Aminuts23 · 04/12/2020 19:52

I agree with everyone else. Meet somewhere public

category12 · 04/12/2020 19:56

Really recommend you pull out of the date in his home unless you're keenly planning on shagging him and are sure you won't be upset if it doesn't go anywhere after that. It's really not safe, even if you think you know him, and it's a bit dodgy that you won't be telling your mum where you are. Do you have a safe call?

Otherwise, you need to say "sorry, I think I'd prefer we went out, how about [x] place for dinner instead" assuming you're tier 2 (or a walk somewhere nice if you're tier 3).

Original poster

mummybug355 · 04/12/2020 20:03

@category12 I wouldn't be telling my daughter where I am sorry if that come across wrong.
I'll message him and arrange a meal out somewhere but I'm not disinclined to shag him

OP posts:

popsydoodle4444 · 04/12/2020 20:10

The dinner at his house is usually a we've been dating a couple of weeks and we're taking it to the next level;you're having wine and not driving home kind of date.

How about a coffee and cake date?,then maybe dinner date;then a walk and a picnic/country pub type date etc

category12 · 04/12/2020 20:13

I'll message him and arrange a meal out somewhere but I'm not disinclined to shag him

That's cool, you can go back to his after the meal if you fancy it - but it's far easier to just ditch if it turns out you're not feeling it than it would be the other way round.

Plus it's good to have proper dates and not go straight to netflix & chill. Being "low maintenance" often backfires.

DianaT1969 · 04/12/2020 21:29

Do you feel confident about sleeping with him and continuing to see him at work if it turns out to be one night?
As long as you go into it with your eyes open. But your OP doesn't sound like a woman who wants friends with benefits or a one night stand.

Plastichearts · 04/12/2020 21:40

Is your daughter staying with your mum for the night or do you have to get back home?

anditgoeson · 04/12/2020 21:43

Dont eat at home, its setting low standards and itll be harder to leave if you dont like it/him. It's too intimate for a first date, you need to go out.

Dont drink before you go out, one for the nerves can make you tipsy so keep a clear head.

Just wear something nice but not too dressy. Nice Jean's and shirt with make up but not too heavy. Do it in a way that makes you feel nice and whatever is appropriate for you. It will give you a confidence boost.

Dont worry about what to talk about , dont over think it. Try to relax and go with the flow. Good luck, hope it goes well.

WouldBeGood · 04/12/2020 21:48

Meet him out somewhere.

Get a bit dressed up so you feel confident. I always wear makeup so strongly advise it 😃

TokenGinger · 04/12/2020 22:31

Do what you feel comfortable with, OP. I'd be advising not to meet at his house if he was a stranger, but if he's somebody you already know through work then I'd think you're okay. Maybe that's poor advice but I'm basing that on how well I know my work colleagues.

I had my first "date" with DP at my house. We already knew each other and I felt fine him being there. We didn't sleep together until a few dates in, certainly not on the first night but I wouldn't judge somebody for doing that. I'm just saying it doesn't have to happen just because you're in a house.

category12 · 04/12/2020 23:24

No, it doesn't, but it's lot harder to get out of the situation gracefully, and it does put you in a vulnerable position to be in his house.

Workmates are not "safe".

Bunnymumy · 04/12/2020 23:46

I'd assume anyone that invited me to their home for a 'first date' was only after sex. Not that that's a bad thing on its own but I wouldn't want to work with someone I'd had a fling with.

HollowTalk · 04/12/2020 23:49

Oh come on, OP. If you shag him there's a million to one chance you won't see him again. Don't risk it. See him outside of his house and take it easy - see him a few times before you sleep with him.

Sakurami · 05/12/2020 03:30

She knows him from work and because of covid it isn't so weird that he's asked her to his house. But I think that changing it to a restaurant is better. And wear something that makes you feel good and enjoy yourself.

Original poster

mummybug355 · 05/12/2020 06:56

I will be meeting for a meal but in his defence he's been walking me to work for the last year as he found out I've been walking in on my own and his words to other colleagues (they told me as they are tattle tales and wanted us together) it's not safe for her to walk on her her own
bless him ive been doing it for years

OP posts:

category12 · 05/12/2020 08:10

because of covid it isn't so weird that he's asked her to his house. It doesn't change the risks, tho, they're the same as in non-covid times.

Pros of eating out =

you can leave more easily & gracefully if you're not enjoying yourself
it starts with a higher expectation of dating. If you're straight to home-dates, that's what you get stuck with
if short of conversational material, you can talk about the menu, the food, the view, the service, you can people-watch together - you can see how he treats waiting staff.
going to bed together is less of an assumption, and is more likely to be a thought out decision.

Personally if I had gossipy workmates, I'd prefer the gossip going round was we went out on a date to x-place, than I went round to his house.

Manxiety · 05/12/2020 15:46

I'm not disinclined to shag him

If you do, at his house, just imagine the awkwardness of after. The next morning or the next time you walk to work. Build a relationship with him first. And don't give the tittle-tattlers something more to gossip about.

it's not safe for her to walk on her her own

Why is it not safe OP? You clearly don't think that. Why is he assuming you need rescuing? 🚩

Original poster

mummybug355 · 05/12/2020 16:13

@Manxiety why would it be awkward if I did have sex with. He's a really nice guy and we are meeting elsewhere.
Walking to work because I don't live in the best of areas not the worst but as we start work at 2 am

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 05/12/2020 18:38

Your last update is very different from your first OP. You asked what you should talk about on your date. If you've been walking to work with him for nearly a year, surely you talk a lot and know him well??

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